June 17, 2004
Dear Average American Citizen,
Well, the cards of grief have been shuffled. Which one is it today? Denial? Anger? Bargaining? Depression? Acceptance?
Today I'm angry.
Today it is about my losses. Not my son's. Funny how this part of the process always seems to run into more barriers than any other.
One, because few people like being around an angry person. Least of all myself. But, wherever I go, there I am!
Two, because I'm a woman and we are not supposed to get too up close and personal with this emotion. Especially not the arm of anger that elicits motivation and power, rather than just liquid anger and tantrums.
Three, because it just plain feels awful to be angry. It's hard to be happy when your pissed.
And four, because it's the last great act of defiance prior to acceptance.
What am I angry about?
The two by four that hit me upside the head and sent me reeling in the first place.
The ignorant audacity of others who still expect me to function as if my life is still as it once was.
The plans I had for myself that seem to shrivel up into all the 'not nows' and 'laters' and 'maybe somedays'.
My own personal inadequacies of never measuring up to all those people who seem to be able to accomplish so much more than I in spite of even more drastic difficulties than I am dealing with.
Truth be told, I'm running on full speed ahead, with full barrels flaming. When is enough......... enough for me?
I try to remember what it is like to spend my time interacting with others, and not have to sort through their delusional beliefs to find the hidden reality. I miss flowing conversations and effortless connectedness.
Then there is the beloved task of sorting through the twisted language, both verbal and written, of government agencies assigned the matter of 'helping' the disabled and balancing the budget at the same time. Oh! What FUN!!!! Not exactly what I had planned spending my golden years on.
Frustrated? I'm beyond frustrated! I'm fed up and want to run away and live on an island; a very small isand!!!!
It's the continual onslaught of crap on top of crap that is gripping me by the ovaries and hurling me into this thing we call anger!!!
There was a time when the advice of others, when taken and applied led to a reprieve, an awareness or a solution. An experimentation in what will work and what won't emerged. Now, I just feel stuck! It's been a long time since any one's suggestions actually made a difference. Cuz, already been there, did that. Used to work. Not working now.
I can't even follow my therapists advice in putting myself first without running into yet another totally bizarre calamity.
On the advice of my therapist, I went to get my hair done. The hair dresser actually yelled at me. The woman sitting next to me said "I felt so sorry for you!" Now what a wonderful excursion that turned out to be in pampering myself!
Tried to take a trip up north with hubby. A time out, again on the advice of my therapist! Our hot water heater up there died. We spent two days of the four day trip getting it back up and running. One day taking care of a tenant problem. One day trying to calm down. What a time out it was!
Had an overnight trip planned with two friends to go to Shipshewana, Indiana and see the Amish village there. One friend had to have last minute emergency surgery. Meanwhile, the other friend who has a mentally ill son was dealing with her own crisis. A freak thunderstorm rolled through, lasting only several minutes, and toppled a tree onto his bran new parked car, totaling it! Me? I was at the mall, actually buying something to wear for the trip. I heard nothing. I drove home through the tree carnage, and darkened traffic lights, to find I wouldn't be going after all. Instead we would be holding the DTE candle light vigil, and getting through the night without power.
And yes, at least I can afford a therapist, and at least I can get my hair done, and at least we have a place to get away to, and at least no one was in the car when the tree fell, and at least we had candles to light when we had no power and ................................... but COME ON! Even the queen of denial can see the utter ridiculousness of my efforts here!
I'm just trying to do something nice for myself!
I have an appointment with my therapist tonight.
If she gives me another assignment to do something nice for myself, I'm going to tell her to shut up!
Posted by Doe at June 17, 2004 08:18 PM
D.A.B.D.A. - I am right there with you my friend. Moments of "want to"s have given way
to a life of "have to"s. Acceptance - never, this life waxes and wanes to much to accept, as soon as we are close to reaching acceptance, the other shoe drops.
Just when one thinks they have the array of goverment servcies figured out, after you have dug you way out of forms and survived the brutality of "service" agents - it is all in vain, time to be certified or you discover that inclusion in one service only cancels participation in another.
If as much effort was spent on helping the disabled and it must be spend by the government figuring out to keep from giving them a dollar more than they absoluetly have to - this population would not be so prone to proverty.
I offer no advise, no words of wisdom - the more I play in this arena, the less I know about the game.
...so you see that I am in a rage of work, though for the moment it does not produce very brilliant results. But I hope these thorns will bear their white blossoms in due time, and that this apparently sterile struggle is no other that the labour of childbirth. First the pain, than the joy.
Vincent van Gogh June, 1880
We bear the pain - we are human, we thirst for the joy.
Posted by: Sandi at June 17, 2004 09:42 PM
how about getting blissfully, wonderfully silly drunk, once a week- medicinal pot or something! red wine workss well for me~ girl, you have to lighten up! this isn't the end of the world. alot of time is passing which you could be enjoying. you won't get it back. maybe pop in a monty python movie or two, just unwind, your problems are going to be there whether you are unhappy or not. so it's time to be happy. surely your son wouldn't want you to be so unhappy. am sorry if this post is 'rude', not meant to be. throw a book at the screen, or scream epicats at me. it's just some advice from a fellow mum.
Posted by: whatsitallaboutalfia at June 30, 2004 02:44 AM
I know your my therapist, but please, the readers!
Posted by: doe at July 1, 2004 04:25 AM
Dear Doe, certainly not your therapist! but just someone who is coping, somewhat, with a son who is schizophrenic: paranoid, stays at home, no motivation and no job. I'm not much of an expert, in fact, probably did alot of things wrong according to the caseworker. But, surviving- and playing it by the seat of my pants! love, alfia.
Posted by: whatsitallaboutalfia at July 8, 2004 10:27 PM
Doe, here's to you, my dear! Remember times of old? Johnny Carson and the guy, who was a comic who got ddrunk and slurred his words alot? Forrest something.... well, it is my tuurn! and I drink a toast to you, my dear.... to a wonderful person, who needs a hats-off. i have read your posts and marvel at the length and breath of them. whew! so, here's to you, Ms Doe! ahhh.... it is good stuff. Gallo, and a cig. take care, don't be so hard on ye self!! my mind is slowly doing a backstroke or is it the sidestroke? going round and round. the sun is setting and casts a golden hue upon my jasmine and geranium. smells wonderfully of the Phloridian coast. i am missing the mold. but i blackened some shrimp in the pan, hot and sweet, so, I have truly a feast. Gof id hoof. now figure that one out!!!!!!
Posted by: whatsitallaboutalfia at July 9, 2004 02:08 AM
I know you're not my therapist.:-) Uh...that was tongue in cheek? A little hard to convey on the ol' puter! Thank you for your complimentary critique. I just wish I had more time. I'm glad you found it interesting. On an R&R/work trip. Life is one big oxymoron sometimes!
Posted by: doe at July 14, 2004 03:33 AM
how is life an oxymoron? and why do you wish for more time, when it is so badly spent? until now, i had not realized this. why do we want more time, when we have not used what we have better..... when we come to the end, what will we wish for? more time, of course. i sometimes look forward to death actually. to get me out of tiring situations wherein i am no help... or cannot change anything. ce la vie. lots of wisdom gains nothing if there is no peace.
Posted by: whatsitallaboutalfia at July 15, 2004 05:08 AM
well doe, thanks for the link! it is extremely good, in that it is a real wake up call. i don't know what went through his mind, why he chose that poor victim. we may never know. it is all so sad. the stories on that site are so awful. he had nothing to look forward to. i feel bad for the new parents coming to this site. it must be really disturbing. of course it is really disturbing. i can see why so few parents come to the group meetings who have success stories about paranoid schizs. I think that particular group of schizophrenics should have a mandatory hospitalization time, min of six months. to protect themselves and others. gosh, what a world.......!
Posted by: chaiteacity at September 1, 2004 04:31 AM
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