A Day in the Life
I would just like to introduce you all to me and my mother. My mother is the sick one. I am just unemployed and living with her and my grandfather who is getting very old and senile. It is a difficult situation indeed as we are living well under the poverty line as a family. I am financially dependent on the social security of my mother among other things.
It's not that I am not looking for work. I have been looking for a decent job for ages. But as we all know the market is tough and lots of people are feeling it. I was almost able to escape the misery of this particular living situation only to be crushed by the demon. I was to have my own room in a house with another family in exchange for help with the children- an au pair type deal.
The demon came out of my mother when she found out that I would be living under the same roof as a married woman with three little children. She proceeded to accuse this poor woman of sexual misconduct and setting up a kind of sexual trap with me. I realized that I had not planned the move as air tight as I should have.
Needless to say, the whole thing ended up with the woman and her three children crying in humiliation. I was crushed.
This is typical behavior of my mother who has been this way for quite sometime. She has quite literally destroyed this family which has gone through an ugly divorce, bankrupcy, domestic violence, and random run ins with the law. Now I am stuck with her again and paying for it dearly.
Daily life is difficult. I find myself choosing to hate my mother without remorse- even when I feel conflicted. In a sense, I feel justified because she has done a lot of damage. In another sense, I feel sorry for her. Not a day goes by without me cursing her with contempt; I withhold judgement upon myself. She can just be so wicked and evil sometimes, I curse the day I was born.
I can't say that I have ever been able to establish independence. There just seems like a lot for me to work out. I should have lost faith in God a long time ago but I always seem to hang on by a thread.
I find consolation in small things right now. I read books and listen to and play music. I have some good friends too. It really helps. However, there is no substitute for a healthy family. It will remain a scar for the rest of my life. I also love to write, and hope that people who read my story will connect and not feel so alone. God bless.
Posted by at March 23, 2004 04:57 AM
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Hey Dan,
don't be disappointed.never say i will be a scar for the rest of your life.I have gone thru similar situation where my wife was dignosed SZ, I was in ruins b4 I could understand that she is ill. I also hated her, cursed everybody why it is with me.even if I had divorced her, where should se had gone.......it is not her mistake also....it can be with anybody with me, U or anybody else. U say urself that no subsitute for healthy life. so we should help the ill one. atleast our near & dear.I also ost everything, money, job, friends, even parents stopped to speak to me. but od helped me and I realized that only I had to take this fight, I am already looser, have nothing to loose. Let me take another chance to revive the things. she was taken to P-doc, things started slightlly better.I had to take some harsh decisions.first my family got better. then I started a very small job, which I couldn't dream to work, but to get high I had to start it. in a span of eight month her situation got more better, and after another four months, she was able to work also. she is still on medicine but working Ok and I also got two promotions, changed better job, I have another miles to go.....but my life is totally changed, now I am more mature person and try to help people....who are in similar position where I was................and I am.........
Posted by: nick at March 24, 2004 08:34 AM
Hi Dan,
I understand some of your pain. My mother also suffers from schizophrenia, but fortunately has been stabilized on Mellaril. I hated her at one time when she was severely ill. I think understanding the illness helps, but it's so much easier to love someone that isn't acting psychotic. My parents also divorced as a result of her illness.
I have my own blog where I talk a little bit about my experiences with my mom's illness if you are interested in reading it. Yes, the damage to families caused by mental illness is a wound that never seems to heal.
I hope you don't mind me suggesting that you need to put some distance between you and you mother, even if it's just moving down the street. The burden of caring for a mentally ill person, especially when they won't take meds, is too much for one person. If she won't take care of herself, there's nothing you can do unless she gets really bad. So why torture yourself by putting that burden on yourself?
Meds are not a cure-all, but they can help. My mom leads an almost normal life now. She's a part-time teacher's aide. She can't work at jobs that are high stress and require learning a lot of things at once and e.g. cashier. But at least she's not in the hospital anymore and can take of herself.
I hope things improve for you. Don't give up.
Posted by: Fly Killa at March 30, 2004 03:52 PM
Dan,
My father-in-law was diagnosed with this disease before I met my spouse, and he has lived with us since the day we got married(15 years ago). Along with his very opinionated ways, he seems to hate our children ( ages 11 and 13), and me in paticular. I try to be very good to him, almost like petting him, but he still tries to tear our marriage apart with lies and manipulations.God has taught me to be strong, so even though sometimes I don't understand, I go on, hoping one day he will recover, but for right now, no end is in sight. The doctors in our area don't understand, because he seems to be able to switch his sickness on and off, to suit himself. Alot of people just think he is mean, but his elated self-esteem and delusions tell us different. No one in our area will even change his medication, which he has been on for 25 years. And it is only 5 mg. a day. This is almost a joke, to us. I hope things get better for you, but I do understand where you are coming from.
Posted by: ami at April 11, 2004 08:05 AM
Never give up. Here's a poem my friend wrote:
You think you are down now
But just look around and see how
God has put his hand on you
Made you the person you are
Gave you the life you love
You may not see it at times
But you should know
That he's telling you this:
"I love you, and I'm always there for you
No matter what happens,
No matter what you do,
That fact is there, pure and simple,
My hand will cover you"
God bless you.
Posted by: someone in the universe at April 11, 2004 10:06 AM
I have a mother and baby brother. I hate being me right now and .....
Posted by: Judy at April 13, 2004 05:32 PM
Oh my is all I can say to myself as I read this and realize that all the times I said my mother was driving me crazy, she was ill. She used to talk about people who were schizophrenic and how terrible it was and when I was going through tough times growing up and tried to lean on her, she'd always yell at me and say I needed to learn how to deal with life. Then she'd accuse me of being mentally ill. After 25 years of this, she finally convinced me I was. I began researching all types of mental illness and drove myself crazy trying to figure out what was wrong. I then went into a major depression because I felt like nothing would ever get better and I'd rather die than live like that. While in this depressed state my memories of my whole life began to come back, at first in flashes, and then in vivid detail. These were memories long suppressed. As a matter of fact, it was a running joke in my family that I couldn't remember the way home. I guess it was my way of coping. My memory is pretty good now, although I get down now and then when I have a bad memory I haven't dealt with. At any rate, as all of this finally surfaced, I got a clear view of who really had the problem. As I pointed the finger back at mom when she tried to jab at me (firmly without attacking most of the time), she finally came to see how neurotic she really was. She went through a depression for the first time in her life (something I have battled off and on for years due to lack of support), and she has emerged much more understanding of other people's feelings. She may well be on the road to recovery. All in all, I'm feeling pretty good about things, and all of this was accomplished without medicine. I thank my God, Jesus Christ, for all of it. When I had finally had enough, whether I was right or wrong (I had always believed I was wrong due to the fact that I had no outside perspectives other than my husband, who my mom convinced me was just jealous of her closeness to me) and turned it over to Him, he has brought me through, given me the courage to stand, and my husband and I have been able to communicate about issues long neglected now that there's more of me to give to our relationship. So for all you out there in these kinds of situations, only Jesus can really take it away for good. Repent, and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost. Acts 2:38
Posted by: Katie at February 22, 2006 06:29 PM
dont worry about it your going to be okay. Just keep trusting in God and keep praying
Posted by: Desirae at April 7, 2006 09:19 PM
i just broke up with someone who has schizophrenia and that is not taking medication. it was hard both the break up and relationship because he thought i hated him he thought the opposite of how i felt about him. we argued evryday and sometimes we got along. he had all sorts of thoughts about time ending soon. and how i was not real. it made me confused and frustrated. so we ended it . i'll miss him . and another thing no matter how much i poured my heart to him it really seemed that i never got through to his heart. can someone help me to try and figure what i did wrong ? am i to blame? thank you.
Posted by: silke ireland at April 15, 2006 04:05 PM
Hey silke. It isn't anyones fault. I am also a schizophrenic. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just can't help some people. It's easier for people like me to understand love if you actually use the word a lot and continue to show it no matter how much you might want to give up. It can be hard for me sometimes to ignore all of the horrible things that go on in my head. But its people that love me and care about me that keep me going when I start having doubts. It takes a very strong person to have any kind of relationship with someone who has schizophrenia. I can only hope that someday he will realize that he is sick. And when he does, I am sure he will realize how much you really did care about him.
Posted by: Janet at September 5, 2006 06:35 PM
I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 1/2 yrs and we've lived together for about 3 yrs now. My boyfriend's mother, who is on meds for schizophrenia recently (coming up on 3 months now) came to live with us. At first I thought everything would work out, but I've myself frequently getting irritated of the things she does. I'm starting to think I'm just nit-picking. Two weeks ago I was diagnosed with cancer and am about to come across my own healing. If I am so irritated with the things she does now, I'm worried about how I'll feel when my chemo starts. Should I have her around?
Posted by: Vee at October 18, 2006 10:44 PM
Dont be angry at your mother. Its not her fault. If given the choice, she would choose NOT to be afflicted with this crippling illness.
Is your mother on medicaton and does she take it properly? If not, she should be. If she refuses to take her meds as prescribed, its time for you to get your own home and live your own life.
Tell your mother that the only way you will stay is if she takes the meds, and if she wont, then get out.
If she is already on meds, perhaps she needs to be re-evaluated and may be due for an adjustment. That is just part of the process....readjustment of meds is needed from time to time.
Spread your wings and find your place in the world. Set limits and stick to them. You will be much happier.
Good luck to you.
Posted by: Marilyn at February 18, 2007 10:27 PM
Hey Dan,
don't be disappointed.never say i will be a scar for the rest of your life.I have gone thru similar situation where my wife was dignosed SZ, I was in ruins b4 I could understand that she is ill. I also hated her, cursed everybody why it is with me.even if I had divorced her, where should se had gone.......it is not her mistake also....it can be with anybody with me, U or anybody else. U say urself that no subsitute for healthy life. so we should help the ill one. atleast our near & dear.I also ost everything, money, job, friends, even parents stopped to speak to me. but od helped me and I realized that only I had to take this fight, I am already looser, have nothing to loose. Let me take another chance to revive the things. she was taken to P-doc, things started slightlly better.I had to take some harsh decisions.first my family got better. then I started a very small job, which I couldn't dream to work, but to get high I had to start it. in a span of eight month her situation got more better, and after another four months, she was able to work also. she is still on medicine but working Ok and I also got two promotions, changed better job, I have another miles to go.....but my life is totally changed, now I am more mature person and try to help people....who are in similar position where I was................and I am.........
Posted by: nick at March 24, 2004 08:34 AM
Hi Dan,
I understand some of your pain. My mother also suffers from schizophrenia, but fortunately has been stabilized on Mellaril. I hated her at one time when she was severely ill. I think understanding the illness helps, but it's so much easier to love someone that isn't acting psychotic. My parents also divorced as a result of her illness.
I have my own blog where I talk a little bit about my experiences with my mom's illness if you are interested in reading it. Yes, the damage to families caused by mental illness is a wound that never seems to heal.
I hope you don't mind me suggesting that you need to put some distance between you and you mother, even if it's just moving down the street. The burden of caring for a mentally ill person, especially when they won't take meds, is too much for one person. If she won't take care of herself, there's nothing you can do unless she gets really bad. So why torture yourself by putting that burden on yourself?
Meds are not a cure-all, but they can help. My mom leads an almost normal life now. She's a part-time teacher's aide. She can't work at jobs that are high stress and require learning a lot of things at once and e.g. cashier. But at least she's not in the hospital anymore and can take of herself.
I hope things improve for you. Don't give up.
Posted by: Fly Killa at March 30, 2004 03:52 PM
Dan,
My father-in-law was diagnosed with this disease before I met my spouse, and he has lived with us since the day we got married(15 years ago). Along with his very opinionated ways, he seems to hate our children ( ages 11 and 13), and me in paticular. I try to be very good to him, almost like petting him, but he still tries to tear our marriage apart with lies and manipulations.God has taught me to be strong, so even though sometimes I don't understand, I go on, hoping one day he will recover, but for right now, no end is in sight. The doctors in our area don't understand, because he seems to be able to switch his sickness on and off, to suit himself. Alot of people just think he is mean, but his elated self-esteem and delusions tell us different. No one in our area will even change his medication, which he has been on for 25 years. And it is only 5 mg. a day. This is almost a joke, to us. I hope things get better for you, but I do understand where you are coming from.
Posted by: ami at April 11, 2004 08:05 AM
Never give up. Here's a poem my friend wrote:
You think you are down now
But just look around and see how
God has put his hand on you
Made you the person you are
Gave you the life you love
You may not see it at times
But you should know
That he's telling you this:
"I love you, and I'm always there for you
No matter what happens,
No matter what you do,
That fact is there, pure and simple,
My hand will cover you"
God bless you.
Posted by: someone in the universe at April 11, 2004 10:06 AM
I have a mother and baby brother. I hate being me right now and .....
Posted by: Judy at April 13, 2004 05:32 PM
Oh my is all I can say to myself as I read this and realize that all the times I said my mother was driving me crazy, she was ill. She used to talk about people who were schizophrenic and how terrible it was and when I was going through tough times growing up and tried to lean on her, she'd always yell at me and say I needed to learn how to deal with life. Then she'd accuse me of being mentally ill. After 25 years of this, she finally convinced me I was. I began researching all types of mental illness and drove myself crazy trying to figure out what was wrong. I then went into a major depression because I felt like nothing would ever get better and I'd rather die than live like that. While in this depressed state my memories of my whole life began to come back, at first in flashes, and then in vivid detail. These were memories long suppressed. As a matter of fact, it was a running joke in my family that I couldn't remember the way home. I guess it was my way of coping. My memory is pretty good now, although I get down now and then when I have a bad memory I haven't dealt with. At any rate, as all of this finally surfaced, I got a clear view of who really had the problem. As I pointed the finger back at mom when she tried to jab at me (firmly without attacking most of the time), she finally came to see how neurotic she really was. She went through a depression for the first time in her life (something I have battled off and on for years due to lack of support), and she has emerged much more understanding of other people's feelings. She may well be on the road to recovery. All in all, I'm feeling pretty good about things, and all of this was accomplished without medicine. I thank my God, Jesus Christ, for all of it. When I had finally had enough, whether I was right or wrong (I had always believed I was wrong due to the fact that I had no outside perspectives other than my husband, who my mom convinced me was just jealous of her closeness to me) and turned it over to Him, he has brought me through, given me the courage to stand, and my husband and I have been able to communicate about issues long neglected now that there's more of me to give to our relationship. So for all you out there in these kinds of situations, only Jesus can really take it away for good. Repent, and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost. Acts 2:38
Posted by: Katie at February 22, 2006 06:29 PM
dont worry about it your going to be okay. Just keep trusting in God and keep praying
Posted by: Desirae at April 7, 2006 09:19 PM
i just broke up with someone who has schizophrenia and that is not taking medication. it was hard both the break up and relationship because he thought i hated him he thought the opposite of how i felt about him. we argued evryday and sometimes we got along. he had all sorts of thoughts about time ending soon. and how i was not real. it made me confused and frustrated. so we ended it . i'll miss him . and another thing no matter how much i poured my heart to him it really seemed that i never got through to his heart. can someone help me to try and figure what i did wrong ? am i to blame? thank you.
Posted by: silke ireland at April 15, 2006 04:05 PM
Hey silke. It isn't anyones fault. I am also a schizophrenic. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just can't help some people. It's easier for people like me to understand love if you actually use the word a lot and continue to show it no matter how much you might want to give up. It can be hard for me sometimes to ignore all of the horrible things that go on in my head. But its people that love me and care about me that keep me going when I start having doubts. It takes a very strong person to have any kind of relationship with someone who has schizophrenia. I can only hope that someday he will realize that he is sick. And when he does, I am sure he will realize how much you really did care about him.
Posted by: Janet at September 5, 2006 06:35 PM
I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 1/2 yrs and we've lived together for about 3 yrs now. My boyfriend's mother, who is on meds for schizophrenia recently (coming up on 3 months now) came to live with us. At first I thought everything would work out, but I've myself frequently getting irritated of the things she does. I'm starting to think I'm just nit-picking. Two weeks ago I was diagnosed with cancer and am about to come across my own healing. If I am so irritated with the things she does now, I'm worried about how I'll feel when my chemo starts. Should I have her around?
Posted by: Vee at October 18, 2006 10:44 PM
Dont be angry at your mother. Its not her fault. If given the choice, she would choose NOT to be afflicted with this crippling illness.
Is your mother on medicaton and does she take it properly? If not, she should be. If she refuses to take her meds as prescribed, its time for you to get your own home and live your own life.
Tell your mother that the only way you will stay is if she takes the meds, and if she wont, then get out.
If she is already on meds, perhaps she needs to be re-evaluated and may be due for an adjustment. That is just part of the process....readjustment of meds is needed from time to time.
Spread your wings and find your place in the world. Set limits and stick to them. You will be much happier.
Good luck to you.
Posted by: Marilyn at February 18, 2007 10:27 PM