July 13, 2003


Bad crazies last night. I had an argument with my boyfriend about him saying that he doesn't like me. But we stopped arguing and soon he was snoring. Then, the voices that I always have started getting louder and louder. They screamed as a monster loomed out of the darkness. I stole out of bed without waking my boyfriend and stepped into the cool night air outdoors.

Now what was it my therapist had said? Practice paying attention to reality. I needed to give myself a distracting task. So I went to the gas station in my pajamas at 3am to buy bubble gum. Strange men followed me, and I watched the liquid movements of dog-like monsters as they stalked me. The voices said that a spy was eyeing me. I combed my hair nervously with my fingers until it was frizzy. At the gas station, I purchased Bazooka Joe gum. But, once I left the station, the monsters weren't going to let me go home unless I did a good deed, because they said I never did anything right. They said that, if I tried to go home before doing good, they would tear off my skin to show my boyfriend how black I was inside. Then he would never like me.

At that time, I found a Fred Meyer shopping cart, so I decided that I would return it as my good deed. At 4:10am, the city of Bellevue turned its sprinklers on and I was drenched. I walked 2 miles with a shopping cart in the night, discheveled and in wet pajamas, all the while glancing over my shoulder and mumbling to myself while blowing big pink bubbles with my gum.

With my task completed, I pondered whether I should take a different way back, so the monsters wouldn't find me. I opted to take the same way back. I had tried my best, and now it was time to face my fears. On my return, the monsters crossed and re-crossed their paths in front of me. Eyes pressed in all around me. The voices taunted and growled as my thoughts clustered in a corner of my mind like scared mice. I broke into a run. A lady in a black and red dress was in front of our house and she reached out to warn me, but I passed on by.

When I returned home, my boyfriend was awake and angry. He said that I lied to him about leaving the house, because I had tried to make a deal with him earlier to that effect that I didn't think he agreed to. He said he couldn't take this anymore. He yelled at me, shrank away from my touch, ignored my pleadings and refused to be in the same room as me. I didn't sleep last night. So, in the end, my good deed didn't work and my monsters were right. Bad crazies last night.

Posted by alex at July 13, 2003 01:59 PM


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