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I had a really bad morning, but I'm feeling better now. An argument (that is now resolved) left me with negligible sleep hours, and I couldn't take any preventative anti-psychotic medications because I'm going to be starting the test drug soon. This morning, my really bad hallucinations lasted long into the afternoon. I kept wishing that I was physically sick, so that I could stay home from my volunteer time at the zoo. But alas, I was well, and had to make the trip to the zoo alone with my brain worms. At one point, I thought I was vomiting up long bunches of hair! But, I'm sure that was just a hallucination, because, well, I don't eat large amounts of hair. So I perservered, because I won't let my brain worms be the reason for staying home. I can't let that happen. If I let it happen once, it will happen more often. And then, I'll be crippled. But the zoo time was hard to not react to things in front of the keepers.
Well, the unexpected (finally?) happened. Sometimes, things just suck. And this, in particular, really sucks because I've been preparing for Initiation into a Coven long before I even knew I was. This evening, I was politely and lovingly excused from my training group due to the potential risks of Initiating somebody with schizophrenia. I'm not really going to post the details. My buddies, who are still in the group, can ask me about it privately, if you weren't given specifics already. On the way home, I was told, "sorry we chickened out on ya'." I said, "You didn't 'chicken out' on me as friends, and that's what counts." I really want to stay friends with everyone. Being in the group has really changed my life for the better, and it's been an experience I will never forget. I had some of the best moments of my life, and definitely the best feeling of belonging I've ever had, with them. There needs to be a word that means more than just family. I really wish that I could have stayed with them through the rest of everything we're going through. I don't think that they made the right decision, but I realize that the decision has been made.
So, of course, I shall be indulging in an evening of sobbing, hugging my Fiance, and munching on chocolate. It's very much like a break-up, you know. Sometimes, things are challenging, even if you are following your bliss.Posted by alex at October 7, 2004 06:14 AM