October 13, 2004

The Ugly

The Ugly
I knew it was coming-that rush of paranoia and panic---the fleeting sighting of me just hangin' around at my job instead of being where I am supposed to be-according to Mike. Where I was supposed to be is beyond me, home, instead of driving kids to and from school. This season of the year just rocks everything solid in our foundation and it take days and weeks and hours to get it back to where it was.
I call it the Ugly. Because it is so ugly and unwelcome. Who wants to hear the suspicious dilusions of Mikes worried and tormented mind over and over again? I feel so bad for him and so helpless.
I believe myself to be a champion at recognizing things now-symptoms-things not so normal-a little off balance. And when I do, I act. I don't waite, who wants to go that far down again? Waiting and trying to fix things alone is a relm I refuse to visit alone anymore.
The changes started when the days started to get short-the evenings cool and the stress of good and bad mounted(without my noticing). I don't mean to sound insensitive, but I just roll along day to day doing what I usually do. I sometimes forget that I live with a man that might get stuck in a thought for days and days and I am totally oblivious to it. I just totally treat everything around me like he is just as NORMAL as me. But then we pick our own level of normal as well, don't we? And then something bazzar happens or something is said and the whole reality is gone.
So with all the autumn changes came some medication adjustments too. Not perminant-just until the ugly guy goes away and stays away for a while. It is easier to help this year, I know what is going on and what steps to take. Last year I felt like I was in a nightmere and I was never going to wake up and be OK, either of us. Thank goodness for good doctors, better medicine and lots of information for me to use when I forget what works best.
Its a jolt to the system when all of the sudden, the peace and calm of almost everyday are gone and replaced by dilusions, suspisions and threats. I wasn't looking forward to that day-its that vicious cycle-the ugly guy-I am hoping he moves it along fast this year and leaves the holidays alone.
God bless you all. Love yourself or your family memeber or who ever it is with a return of the ugly guy, and I will pray it only stays until the season settles into autumn.

Posted by norm at October 13, 2004 02:18 PM


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