September 15, 2004

My birthday

I turned forty nine on the third of September. I had planned to do a lot of things that morning - have an oil bath, browse in a book shop, get a pedicure and so on. However after the oil bath I fell asleep. I slept soundly till the evening. I was aware of my daughter peering in but she did not wake me up. In the evening a dear friend came home with her husband and gave me four cards and a painting as a gift. I felt so happy.
Later in the night we went to a pub in a mall. My daughter accompanied us. She normally does not go out in the nights. She wanted to come with us. At the pub, I was a little apprehensive because I thought that it would be stimulating - the loud music, the dark corners and the shadows on the walls.
However I enjoyed that night- the music, the tingling vodka, peach schnapps with Sprite, the Caesar salad, the banno kebabs and most of all - seeing my daughter sitting in front of me smiling. I felt blessed for it was after such a long time that she could come out late in the night without being troubled by the 'eyes staring at her' or the 'slowing of movements' which follows the evening medication.
There was a tinge of sorrow because my mother and father had not called me that day. Perhaps it was because I had responded to them angrily the previous night. I dont think I'll ever know the truth for whenever we meet it is more important for them to talk, not to listen or understand. However nothing could take away the joy I felt that evening. We came home late. My daughter had no trouble falling asleep and she was fine the next day.
I was nineteen years old when my daughter was born. She was an unusually beautiful baby. I was forty when schizophrenia entered our lives. What gave me pleasure then, no longer brings me joy now. And what I could never have imagined then, brings me happiness today.
Thank you for your comments
Dear Moeder,
It is so strange. You are oceans away, yet you understand so well my anger and sorrow. God be with you, dear mother.
Dear Nick,
I wonder why it is so difficult to make them understand. God must be having his own reasons. My prayers are with you and your wife.

Posted by survivor at September 15, 2004 01:53 AM


Dear Mother and Survivor,

By what you have written � it sounds like you had a very good birthday celebration and that your daughter was able to come is even more special. Happy belated birthday dear Mother and may you have many more wonderful birthdays with your friends and family. I pray things will improve in your relationship with your parents and brother. It is so painful when the folks we love the most don�t understand what we�re experiencing.

I�ve replied to your e-mail and just today sent you another e-mail. I hope your receive both of them.


Posted by: Moeder at September 16, 2004 10:42 PM

I need your contact number in india and email adddress as a matter of requesting you to let me assist you in schizophrenia related matters in india. I am from kerala,india


Posted by: Alex Varghese at October 4, 2004 02:49 PM

Dear Mother and Survivor,

I just sent you another e-mail. I should be receiving my shipment of books soon and will forward it on to you. In addition, I'm including some NAMI material and other books I thought you may find useful. The postal service told me today that it will only take one month by surface mail rather than the 3 months I thought.

I hope all is well with you and your family.

Best regards,

Posted by: Moeder at October 5, 2004 01:28 AM

Dear Mother,

do you still remember me? Its helen from the USA. I havent had time to read your website for along time cos i was gone to China for the entire summer. School has just started about 2 weeks ago. This is my senior year in university and i'll be graduating this coming june! By the way, Happy belated birthday. My mom is also 49 right now. :) im happy that you had such wonderful b-d with your she better much better compare to before? i hope all is well with you and just wanna let you know that you and your daugthter are always in my prayers. - helen

Posted by: helen at October 12, 2004 11:05 AM

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