November 12, 2005

End of a long day and I am aware of that near bedtime productivity issue.

I read in a sleep help book by some medical doctors that one gets one's world saving ideas, and solutions to one's own problems just before going to sleep.

But I am not sure if these are good solutions. My mother of course likes to warn me about lacking sleep and not getting enough sleep. So often in the past when I lived at home and was up all night I wold be fussed about and worried that my last thoughts of the day were unsound. My mother has been a critical person. She recently apologized for this and realized recently, that she was causing me to always second guess myself and worry about everything. This can be related with a little thought to being critical of ones self and then another step over and we have voices of criticism and issues of maintaining self esteem.

Throughout the time that this type of thinking has been mine I have been seeking to buy a career. In other words by buying books on school subjects I hoped to learn a profession. I hoped to buy military clothes that would make me a soldier. I hoped to buy union material that would make me a worker. I hoped to buy musical equipment that would make me a musician. I hoped to buy information technology that would make me a programmer.

The counter pose to all this buying was also conveniently provided by my family and that was to purchase needs not wants. But this vague and manipulatable prescription is not working. Instead I must do real work and earn real money before I buy more stuff.

I must in the bigger picture put more faith in what I actually do rather than what I hope to do. That is I need to accept myself and my actions as they actually are rather than placing them in the future. I also have to stop living with some much financial credit and so much spending.

Well I did it again another end of day writing fest and more blog entries. I left this entry the last of the day for awhile before posting it. I read a little of that workaholics self help book then cleaned up the living room. I am leaving my wife some money for her visit with her friend today and I am going to sleep. Sleep is the real solution but so is getting in touch with my feelings. And I actually can feel good and relaxed and enjoy times when I lack sleep.

Posted by petert at November 12, 2005 09:15 AM


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