WAGblog

Poetry Workshop with A

I recently heard from A, who will be taking a poetry workshop to get her poetic juices flowing. Recently she started writing two new poems and wanted help with two rough drafts. I haven't heard from her yet as to whether these are the poems she is to bring to the workshop or not but will print them here and make a few beginning comments and ask some general questions. Should these be the rough drafts that the workshop has asked for, I do not want us to be finishing these poems -- what use would the workshop be then? But we'll see. Here forthwith, is A's note and poems:

Pam,

Here are the two poems for your workshop. Feel free to post them on your blog with your notes.
Thanks.
I look forward to working with you.

A


ROMANCE

I chase romance through
the streets of Paris in my dreams
adventuring to smell the fine vintages and listen
to smooth French spoken in the soft wind.

When I awake in my bed
drenched in the sweat of another Chicago night,
I look down at my bulging stomach, my
inverted, equilateral triangle thighs, the
thick hairs sprouting on my body. I sweep my fingers
across the black fuzz on my face. I am
as unromantic as they come.
Douty, with clunky speech—a perpetual awkward phase.

I want to be like the glamourzons in the movies. But
that would mean the daily purge of the finger down
my throat. My romance with food overpowers.
Beauty and romance comes at such a high price.

The man, for whom someday will be my life partner,
will love me for who I am. He’ll see my soul.
We will meet in the Ivy League university library
where I will work someday and begin an affair
among the stacks.

He will be tall, athletic, dark-haired—an Irishman
or a Jew perhaps. He will be intellectual, kind, artistic,
display a maturity beyond his years, and be open
to God, Buddha, and the supernatural.

Romance—the ghost I chase.
Every time I come close to catching her,
She slinks away
into the shadows
of desperation and desire.


© A. M. 2007

First an analysis of what is written as it is written:


The poem is titled ROMANCE and it starts out with the narrator dreaming of "chasing romance" through Paris, of wine and the lilt of the French language. The scene is set for, well, romance, but for that little phrase, "in my dreams" which portends that all is not well. It implies a reversal to come, as indeed it does, in the next stanza.

After the dream, when awake, reality is somewhat more bleak, to say the least. Sweating, the narrator (and while one suspects it is A, a reader must ALWAYS be on guard against assuming this; I have written poems where the "I" is a man!) contemplates what she considers her most unromantic body. Questions: is a fashionable body -- presumably a model's or actress's body -- the same as a romantic body? How would you know? What is romance? What is romantic? Look up the history of the word. Dowdy and inarticulate, perpetually awkward, she is, you might say, a woman in the body of a perpetual teenager, at the wrong stage of life.

But, oh, and just like a teenager, she still daydreams of being a princess, a "glamourzon," that made-up word reminiscent of glamor and the spanish word for heart, corazon, glamor-heart, only that would necessitate bulimia, which the word "but" suggests the narrator rejects as an option, at least now. Her "romance" with food is too strong. Beauty and "romance" -- in a different sense of the word -- are costly, she says, once again equating the ability to find romance in one's life with appearance, which may or may not be closely connected. What do you think? Is beauty a prerequisite for romance?

Once again, still daydreaming (and notice that we have moved from dreaming, to waking, to daydreaming) she works on the image of her life partner who "will" love her for who she is, not her appearance presumably, she has even worked out where they will meet and what his physical and intellectual features will be like.

Finally, perhaps because she has become too exacting as to whom she will accept, though she wishes to be accepted for who she is, she admits that romance is a ghost she chases, that romance, suddenly personified as "she", slinks away into the shadows whenever the narrator is close to finding her.

Comments and advice for A:

Watch for using an adjective, or two, or three, before every noun. They should be essential if used at all. Let the burden of description be carried by the nouns and verbs if possible. "Drenched" while adjectival, is a form of a verb and is terrific. "Inverted, equilateral, triangle thighs" loses the reader by the time he or she gets to equilateral. Don't tell the reader that "you" are unromantic, that is a judgment you can't make and it is editorializing. Just show us the picture and let us, the readers, judge. Plus, you want to show, not simply tell us what conclusion we should draw from what you said. If you say it well enough, we will "get it" without your spelling it out. "Dowdy, with clunky speech" in some fashion tells, rather than shows us...How so, dowdy? What does that mean? What ONE feature is the epitome of dowdiness? Show us -- is it how she dresses? How is the speech clunky? Can you show us in ONE teensy tiny example? If not, then better to leave as is for now.

I dunno about "I want to be like" -- it is slack, no tension. Much stronger to say "I'd BE..." and let the reader understand that you mean "like." Or, "To be a glamourzon would mean..." In other words, to fix slackness, try combining 2 thoughts into single sentences. Also, I question making up the word glamourzon...Not sure it looks like what I've interpreted it to mean, or if it looks like anything. Run that by others and see what they think about it. Does it suggest anything to others? What do they see when they read it? Is it the image you want to convey? If not, use something less unconventional. (*From Nov. 2007 : I love "glamourzon"! I still think it works. It continues to evoke the glamor and corazon notes it did the first time around. ) About bulimia, that is a huge topic, blithely introduced then dropped. In some ways, this casualness is good, in others it doesn't do it justice. I'm inclined to like it this way, but others might disagree. Again, do you want to use romance and romance in such closely connected sentences? Does it or does it not -- I dunno -- add something to the stanza? "Beauty and romance COME at such a high price." Singular "come".

"The man who will someday be my life partner" is a better way to say this. I assume this is all daydreaming, that these are not absolute requirements, except that he love you for who you are. Otherwise, you, the narrator that is, are doomed to disappointment as life NEVER turns out to bring us what or who we dream of and/or demand. This part of the poem troubles me, with its staid "demands" and lack of understanding that life, fate, god, doesn't work this way. If you, the narrator, if she is waiting for this to happen, you -- she -- will wait an awfully long time, perhaps forever. No guarantee that such a combination of characteristics will ever come your way, or that if they do, combined in a person, a man, suitable for you, single, available etc that you would...Well, you've structured the daydream to cover all bases, which is what makes it so impossible. The narrower your dreams, the least likely they are to come true. Better that you hope for a partner, perhaps a partner for life, if you both work at it, than the perfect partner, cuz hon, him you ain't gonna find.

Back to the poem. The ending seems, just, to recognize this, calling romance a ghost, as if you subconsciously know that with these requirements, romance will slink away everytime you almost catch her...That romance can't do it, can't find someone perfect the way you want. The shadows she slinks into are yours, your desperation, your desire. I like this part in particular. Very nice ending.

Hope this has given you some pointers and things to think about. Everyone...

I think I'll save the second poem for tomorrow. I'm pretty tired tonight. TTFN

Posted by pamwagg at February 18, 2007 06:25 PM