May 05, 2004

Contemplating life

Another relapse going on and I'm finding a reason to live. I asked my friends, and one of them answered " you will find it nowhere in any library, nowhere on the net. if you find out let me know." I've been trying to find out my own missions that I needed to accomplish earlier by listening to metallica. But things have changed. I realize now that those are not the same missions, the words they sing are not the same meaning, the songs have lost their mysticism, yet I listen and listen, till they bother me more than the voices.

And then I listen to "The God that failed" by Metallica, singing "I see faith in your eyes, never you hear the discouraging lies, I hear faith in your cries...follow the god that failed", and then "bleeding me" - " I'm diggin my way, yes i'm diggin my way to something, i'm diggin my way to something better, i'm pushing to stay, yes i'm pushing to stay for something, i'm pushing to stay for something better......" and it gave me strength, immense strength, to live on, to push it once more, to take it once more and go through it once more and live through it once more and live with it once more.....phew! and i pray to the god that failed! for even the god had failed within me, i'm my own god, and i was reduced to ashes, and I pray to him to find my own strength, once again....

I have this quote printed in front of me now from the Bhagavat Gita, the sacred text of the Hindus "Lift up the self by the Self/ and don't let the self droop down/ for the self is the self's only friend/ and the self is the self's only foe."

So be it.

Posted by puzli at May 5, 2004 12:35 PM | TrackBack


hi , puzli. Its sad to know ur going thro a relapse. U had told me earlier ur taking ur meds from past 2 yrs , how soon did u notice a change and improvement. When ur taking ur meds , u should recover but what is causing a relapse??? Is it the stress??

Posted by: rvasudev at May 5, 2004 07:32 PM

hi puzli, maybe you should 'clean house' of those thoughts/music. i reallize that metallica is 'dangerous' for me. Notes create thoughts, minor keys made me sad, i noticed, and songs in major keys always made me brighter. but when i am down, i prefer sad songs. or fighting types. sometimes i 'cleanse' them all with gregorian chant. to focus. how do you say? namaste? blue. look to the skies... hope against all hope. the 'god who failed', has Risen... He is as close as your heart.

Posted by: bluebird at May 6, 2004 12:43 AM

hi vasudev, going through the ups and downs is normal with this illness, its just that sometimes it gets out of control. this is the 3rd time its gotten out of control since the past 2 years.

yes blue, its namaste:) and the god who failed has risen, once again!

Posted by: puzli at May 6, 2004 09:09 AM

Honestly I think that you are on to something here...

Iann P.

Posted by: Ian Simonton at May 12, 2006 12:31 AM

to puzli, indeed the self will fail, we can only succeed if we grasp hold of something greater than ourselves, the creator of the universe is our strength He loves you soo much, you can do all things when you surrender yourself to Him, and live in His strength (Phillipians, 4 v 12)
you have a choice of what to cling to...don't let it be metallica or yourself, they will both let you down.

Posted by: sukie-sue at May 17, 2007 03:33 PM

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