May 08, 2004

Finding a way...

What I've felt
what i've known
never shine through what i've shown (never shined through what I've shone)
never free, never me... [ metallica - unforgiven II ]

that is where it all began, a fight for my own sense of self, my sense of identity. being the one that they would never let me be. they were imposing themselves on me so that i couldn't become the one that i wanted to be.

but now i'm me. now i'm the me i wanted to be. now i've become, overcome the obstacles, now i've realized that no one can stop me from becoming what i want to be,....except the voices, they still hang around at places, nooks and corners, places unknown, places unseen, they come out of nowhere and they prevent me from being what i want to be. i abuse people i love, people who care for me, people who help me out, people who love me, and the voices tell me to do that, the voices tell me to challenge my own friends, a test to see if they are my enemies. can they stand the test, are they strong enough to face the challenge i beckon upon with my forces of thought and power. there lies the whole dilemma of me being not me, not again, not again can i face this, not again do I want to go through this, not again will i live like this....

there are possibilities, there are ways to end this all. the meds don't work 100%. they can control the symptoms but they can't control the inherent nature. dr. jekyll and mr. hyde, the split personality i'm not, but the mind, it is split into pieces, split into what no one can see, what no one can feel, touch , hear , think....there can be forgiveness, forgiveness from teh ones i abuse, forgiveness from the ones i shout at, forgiveness for my acts, acts that i cannot control, acts that have to be done if the world is to go on, it is necessary to ward off those evil forces that try to control the world. there lies the dilemma of accepting the forgiveness and living with it, or accepting the unforgiveness and living with the hatred, the broken trust, the broken relationships, pride no longer there, it is not even necessary, rather harmful, but the memory remains, and the life sustains by itself in a morbid fashion, a zombie as I roam the world, no understanding, no friends, no future, .....its not true, but thats the way i feel, thats the truth i know, thats the choice that gives the outcome. interaction imposes self evocative acts of meaningful justice, and justice for all i see not, so i live with the hope that some day i'll be rid of this constant fear that burns me up, burns my brain, fries it into boiling nitrogen, the other options remains, the other course to be taken is to kill myself, and free my self from the pain that others cannot see, to die in order to live, to be what i want to be, by not being, to cut off, to break off that chain of forbidden trust, that unknown response, that unknown outcome, for life is a game and i understand the rules well, its just that i'm sick of playing the game over and over again,.....

Posted by puzli at May 8, 2004 02:59 PM | TrackBack


I am sorry to hear that you are suffering from relapse. But dying is not the solution to the problem. If you need to write to me, do write me. I thought you were busy with your studies, I didn't know that you are undergoing this struggle. Hope everythings alright now. bye rajan

Posted by: Rajan at May 9, 2004 10:33 PM

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