June 17, 2005

Free your mind!

A realization that dawned on me today answered the question as to why I had such a speedy recovery as soon as I was put on medication, and why I hadn’t been able to function as well after the several relapses following it.

The first thing I did during my suicidal time, a time when the voices were shouting at me to kill myself, was to accept what the voices were saying and obey their commands. It was also a time where a new hope dawned on me. When I was hospitalized during that time, and I became conscious, the voices started telling me to check whether the drip they were giving me was actually a sedative to prevent me from running away from my adversaries. And I obediently followed the question to obtain the answer from my sister, the only one I trusted then. As I began the medication, the voices had almost stopped, and at the times they still told me to ‘get out of here’, I replied back that ‘I don’t want to go back there. Go back in the same hell…[so fuck off]’. And that worked pretty well. However, it is not that easy to keep away the voices. It was only the miracle of the meds that kept the voices at bay, enough to get a control on my life and my thoughts. The meds had in no way removed the conditioning of all those previous years of what I had experienced and believed, no, they were not the cure of my reality. It was only later on, slowly, when I got to know about my illness that I started piecing the parts, fitting them into a giant 4D holograph - reflecting everything when light fell on one part, an interconnectedness between space and time.

The time after that was one of battling the loneliness, despair, depression, when I asked myself every second, ‘Who am I? Why did it happen? What is the truth?’ And slowly I recovered, tilting the holograph on its axis, illuminating parts of my life in new light, but the demons of my own creation were starving. The time came again when I fell into a relapse. One of the biggest mistakes I made, anyone could make, was to heed the voices and start a conversation with them, just to keep away the loneliness. I would talk it all out with myself, and wait for answers to present themselves. It’s the biggest mistake. Even the meds couldn’t, and never can correct this. We have to allow our minds to remain silent. Even if the voices keep on coming, we have to remain silent. It’s the same mistake I have been making, and it’s a product of my compulsions too. I would keep on singing the songs, even when they weren’t there on their own. I would start singing them to keep some voices in my mind, for I had become so used to them that I missed them. I needed my brain to be filled with a pointless cacophony. And then the real troubles start. As soon as the voices start coming back, the songs take on a new meaning, a newer dimension, an elevated status. The songs turn into the very messiahs of my reflection.

You have to remain silent….Breathe! Free your mind!

Posted by puzli at June 17, 2005 09:48 AM


Dear Pulzi,
Usually I like to comment on each blog as you write it. Immediate feedback is crucial to positive reinforcement.(I don't know whether you have ever wondered who I am and why I write to you, but for the first time I will tell you something personal about myself. I am a former secondary English teacher and (as I'm sure you've figured out) a friend of Pam Wagner's. I was introduced to the website by Pam, and at first I only read and commented upon her blogs. Eventualy, however, I became curious about a fellow commentor named Pulzi. I discovered that you too suffered from sz and that you wrote a blog as well. I began to read it faithfully, and when I discovered that you were a young engineering student, you stole my heart. I love young people, and I believe that I was born to teach teenagers because I virtually am and forever will be a teenager myself, so relating to my students was pure joy.
The reason that I waited until this third blog to comment is because I wanted to consolidate what I would say to you, as I promised last time. Having read much about your illness and having shared almost identical experiences and perceptions with Pam, I feel I can comment briefly and passionately on the heartrending experiences your disease has forced upon you.
Pulzi dear, you are on the verge of discovering how to crush this serpent beneath your foot already. Very few people of any age, faced with your problems, could analyze them as insightfully and intelligently as you have. Despite the fact that the voices are abolutely real to you and that they punish you, demean you, and even order you to believe or to act upon whatever they tell you, at all costs you must remember that they do not have physical or intellectual reality. They are symptoms of a brain, so brilliant and tortured,which due to so many factors, misinterprets its world, its thoughts, its very essence. It is not at all surprising that you feel that they must exist, and furthermore, they exist for the exclusive purpose of destroying you, or making you believe that you are the cause of the destruction of others. You are already on the way to recovery in your rejection of them. I know it takes unbelievable courage to do so, but you must continue on the course you have begun. Do not try to block them out with OCD behavior like the repetition of songs in your head. That only creates another problem. You must not listen to them! Tell them you are now deaf so they might as well give up and go elsewhere. Be as venemous as they are and damn them to eternal agony. You are far smarter than they are. In Shakespeare's play Hamlet, everyone is trying to convince him that he is acting as if he were crazy. The other characters tell him to stop acting so foolishly and get on with his life. I shall give to you the most powerful ammunition against your voices that I can think of. I want you to say to them, as Hamlet said to his best friend Horatio, who was trying to convince him to be like his old self, blah, blah, blah----"There are more things in heaven and earth than in your philosophy, Horatio." Reject those voices as Hamlet let his friend know that not everyone thinks the same way. You do not think the way they do, you despise their philosophy, and you will not let them tell you what to do!!! Then, as Rudyard Kipling said in the last line of his famous poem "If"-----"You'll be a man, my son." In your case you will be a free man, and I for one believe with all my heart that you will indeed defeat these demons, born of your brain and uninvited by you. You are strong, Pulzi. Strong enough to outlast the voices they have reality to no one else but you.
Keep fighting, Love, Paula

Posted by: Paula Kirkpatrick at June 17, 2005 08:12 PM

I am touched. I don't have more words. Thanks Paula. Love, puzli

Posted by: puzli at June 18, 2005 01:55 AM

Hey paula,
I had sent you a mail last month on the address you fill with the comment. Did you recieve it? Do you use this email address? I was thinking of having email conversations with you :) Lovingly, puzli

Posted by: puzli at June 18, 2005 02:02 AM

Dear Pulzi,
How sweet of you to write to me personally. I'm afraid I did not receive your email. Did you notice that there is an UNDERSCORE after the numeral 1(one)? If you didn't use that, the email could not have reached me.
I would be delighted to correspond with you whenever you wish, but PLEASE do not make this yet another chore. You have already set enough goals for yourself to last a lifetime!
Your friend, Paula

Posted by: Paula Kirkpatrick at June 18, 2005 02:36 PM

Hello Paula..
tha guy's name is PUZLI! Not PULZI...
So when guys search for Pulzi they get the link of this page in their searchand keep on asking me if I have posted it..SO please edit the comment above and rename PULZI to PUZLI as the guys name is PUZLI not pulzi..

HEHE My nick name isPulzi and its totaly unique and im nt facing such a thing so please please please say PUZLI and not pulzi..
Thanks a lot but try to understand my prob . :(


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