October 20, 2005

The residues of my past

I was supposed to meet up with one of the friends I had made at the seminar, though she was supposed to call me to confirm the meet. However, she didn't call me even when I messaged her, and finally I had to call her up myself. Later during the day, I messaged her to know whether I was being a pain to her as she hadn't called up herself. She called me back saying that she was too busy to call, and I asked her to straight away tell me on my face whenever I was becoming a pain (to which she replied that she was very blunt, so I don't have to worry about it), and that I should stop thinking such stupid things.

Anyways, as usual, I tried to analyze why I had this sense of insecurity. Was it because my friends actually hide what they exactly feel about my antics? I realized not, for they could be more blunt than anyone I have ever met. So why this sense of insecurity? The answer was there before me since a long time, but I wasn't ready to acknowledge it. It's this instinctive feeling that comes with every new relationship that I make (every time). The Bourne in me is awakened. People I love have to be protected at every cost (including the cost of my life). There cannot be any mistakes. The reply has to be timed perfectly. There can be no delays. If there are, then something has gone wrong. Something that wasn't supposed to go wrong. You make a mistake, and you are dead. Why hadn't she called me up as she had said she would? There are two possibilities - Either she is in trouble (for something has implicitly gone wrong), or she has turned (which means that I'm now a 'pain', and now the one to be hunted by my own people). In either way, no matter how romantic the situation looks (to some), the fear is still ingrained, deep down inside of me. As always, Metallica - "...still alive through the raging war, gone insane with this pain that they surely know..."

The residues of my past don't let me forget it!

Posted by puzli at October 20, 2005 03:21 PM


Dear Puzli,
The residues of your past are just and only that-residues-things left over, useless, that must be tossed away and forgotten. I will have no part of keeping a painful past alive for you. What's done is done. Each sunrise brings new opportunities. They are not always happy, but there is always the hope that they will be. Do not look back,Puzli, thinking that remembering your pain will help to prevent you from feeling pain again. Look forward to the unknown that lies ahead of you. You have the power to bring about the positives in life by thinking in new and creative ways to manage your fears and with perseverance, banish them. Metallica's words became an obsession for you. Enjoy their art if it pleases you, but it cannot protect you. You must protect yourself. Isn't that in effect what you told Pam in your brilliant comment on her poem?
Be stong. I care about you.
Love, Paula

Posted by: Paula Kirkpatrick at October 22, 2005 12:55 PM

thanks Paula,
ur absolutely right with everything that you have mentioned. but there is one thing i need to tell you. unless u know yourself (which can come only through understanding your past, you cannot have a future that you really want to have. I don't hold on to my past. Incidents suddenly strike me to be related to my past, and I mention them in my posts, for that is what this blog is all about (making people understand the nature of this illness). As long as I didn't know about my illness (which was for a year after I was on meds), I couldn't make head or tail out of my life, my beliefs, my experiences...Metallica cannot protect me, nothing can, and interestingly, once again (Metallica) - "no one but me can save myself now, it's too late..." I believe as the Oracle pointed out to Neo (in the Matrix), when he asked why she hadn't told him of what was going to happen, to which she replied "You weren't ready for it". Neo asked, "Who decides whether I was ready or not?", and the Oracle pointed out to the Latin quote on the wall behind him "Know Thyself". I leave now in peace and liberty. Take care my friend. Love, puzli

Posted by: puzli at October 22, 2005 01:17 PM

Darling Puzli,
I read and reread your blog. I realize, much to my embarrassment, that I totally missed the point you were trying to make when I first read it. Indeed, just as you said, you were illustrating the thinking patterns that are very much influenced, if not caused, by your illness. Your goal in writing your blog is to help the uninitiated to somehow understand that schizophrenia takes control of minds as brilliant as yours and Pam's, and that events that trigger memories of past experiences, often influence your current attitude and behavior, even though you do not wish this to happen. Your belief that you must protect others at all costs is deeply ingrained,and, I believe,exemplifies the power of your illness that you are not always able to control. If what I have just said is closer to what you were saying, please let me know. Frankly, I am beginning to doubt that I have the intelligence to write back and forth to you. I am not putting myself down. I am merely stating a fact. It seems ridiculous for me to be writing these long comments, filled with motherly advice, when I can't even understand you in the first place. You deserve better commentary than that of a fool. I do feel instictively, however, that if anyone can free himself from schizophrenia to at least some degee, it will be you. Be well, my fine young man.

Posted by: Paula Kirkpatrick at October 22, 2005 05:33 PM

Hey Paula,
I am sure u have understood the point I was trying to make. However, I love reading comments, especially yours, (and I don't think that you are a fool!!), so do keep posting these long comments. I put forward my views, and you, who doesn't have this illness, is trying to comprehend it. That's the whole purpose of the blog, so keep posting. Take care :) love, puzli

Posted by: puzli at October 23, 2005 05:43 AM

oops! that 'is' should have been 'are'!!

Posted by: puzli at October 23, 2005 05:47 AM

Okay, Buddy,
I do hope you are being honest with me. It would be like you to avoid hurting my feelings at all costs. I do feel, however, it would be unlike you to hide the truth from me as well, so I will keep trying to understand you and your complex illness. I have resolved to read more carefully before I jump to write a response. I truly am terminally impulsive, and that is a characteristic of my disease.
Promising to keep writing,
Warmly, Paula

Posted by: Paula Kirkpatrick at October 23, 2005 03:08 PM

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