February 27, 2004

In a Very Large Nutshell

There has been a lot of abuse in our family. Most beginning with the pedifiles our parents had baby sit us. My older sister could expand more on that. by the time I came around the older siblings would take care of the younger.

When I came into the picture, or rather my first memory of this was of an old man who gave us candy for sexual favors. I don't know or remember how old I was when it started. And I couldn't say if he was the first or if my older brother was. The old man's name was Bill. We called him dirty Bill. He had a very bad past.

We lived on a farm then and my mother would sell or buy farm animals from him. I believe it was sheep. But not sure. Our parents new of his past. He had spent quite a few years in prison for child melestation and on more than one account. But even knowing what kind of past he had they still alloyed him to spend time with their children.

One occasion I remember well was when the family got together around the kitchen table with my dad on one end, dirty bill on the other and the rest of us in between. There wasn't a chair for me to sit in so I sat on one of my parents lap. I don't remember which. Dad asked all of us if dirty Bill had ever touched us in any way. Of course we all said no wanting the confrontation over. Dirty Bill swore he never touched any of us kids and no longer lived that kind of life.

At one point he asked if I wanted to sit on his lap. I agreed because I would get a piece of candy if I went over there. He always had a bag of candy on him and we werent allowed to have candy, but I knew that my parents wouldn't say anything. As dad was talking to everyone dirty Bill would have me play with his genitalia while I ate the piece of candy. Quite ironic actually. My dad even questioned me being over on Bills lap but they never told me to get down or take me away. I was six at the time.

This kind of thing happened quite frequently over a two year span. Somewhere there is a picture of me half naked. This was taken when I was seven. Dirty Bill was later put in prison by another parent who's son told her that he had tried to touch him inapropriately. My mother even visited him in jail. And as a family we visited his home after he had gotten out. At this time we were confronted and asked if bill had done anything and we all said no. I didn't know what the consequences would be and our father was an inimidating person. I didn't want to get in trouble. That was the end of that.

At aproximately the same time my older brother was doing his own fondling of his sisters including myself. I don't remember when he started but the earliest thing I do remember was my fear of being left alone with him, I didn't want him to touch me. I was four. He was abusive to all of us girls and I later learned that he tried to molest my oldest sister.

She was old enough to fight him off so that didn't last long. Next came the second oldest girl. He got farther with her becuase she was four years younger, about eight or nine at the time. By the time he reached me he would take things even farther. I am eight years younger than him, almost nine. By now he was trying everything including penetration. I was scared to say anything because he threatened to beat the crap out of me. He used that on all of us, he was so much bigger.

When I was almost nine years old I decided to finally fight him. He had me on his bed and I was crying and trying to push him off when my oldest sister started banging on his door and yelling at him. He jumped up and got dressed and left the room as if nothing had happened. When I got out my sisters asked me if he was trying to have sex with me. I was shocked they knew or suspected anything. Come to find out the bedroom window was open and one of the girls were in the back yard and told the other that she heard me crying. The oldest girl was about twelve or thirteen I think. She confronted our brother and told him that if he ever came near one of us again that she would beat the shit out of him and cut off his penis and tell mom and dad. Well nothing ever happened again. He was seventeen.

Our parents disgust me. There were so many times that something should have been done. But they were clueless, refused to see the signs. Mom caught my older brother wearing her nighties and we told her about his pornos and what he was doing and she laughed at him. I don't think anything was done over that.

When I was fouteen my older brother had moved back in the house. I was having a lot of problems with this and my sister told her why. Now everything was out in the open. I thought that now everything would be taken care of. But I was still afraid. Mom sat me down in her room on the bed and asked me what I wanted her to do. That put me in a spot. I told her that I didn't know. What fourteen year old knows how to handle a situation like this. She proceeded to tell me that he was older now and had a family of his own and was a different person. I didn't believe that. He still tried to over power and abuse us physically. That was the end of that.

Looking back I always wondered what the heck she was thinking. I am a parent and if I ever suspected anything was happening to my little girl the person involved would be put in prison. And I certainly don't associate with pedifiles and allow my child to be around them. I have learned a lot from my parents on what not to do. She now denies ever knowing or being told about anything. I guess that would make her liable. She has a lot of guilt. So much so that she can't admit anything even to herself. Accepting responsability was always a problem. But at the time we did not know that she had a mental illness. Enough for now.

Posted by Erin at February 27, 2004 11:28 PM | TrackBack


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