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It started as psychosis then paranoid schizophrenia then undifferentiated then schizo-affective. I am not quite sure where the schizo-affective came from. I was told that it had higher success rates...but I have no mood problems.
If I were bipolar then I would not be hallucinating so much. Could the hallucinations be a high form of PTSD? Because I've suffered some extreme traumas in my life that seem to have contributed. Then I look at mom who is chaotic, compulsive, paranoid, delusional...with false memories etc.
I take the pills and then I think I'm getting better and then I think well I'm just thinking i'm getting better how am I supposed to know for sure? Is it possible that the reason I got delusional and hallucinated when I started the medication again was because I went from 0 to 30 mgs in one dose? Is that unsafe? I am having trouble finding a psychiatrist. I'm on the third one now at this practice that is constantly changing doctors so it's a bit annoying because I never have time to actually convey much to them. The last one kept sessions under at least 10 minutes or tried to. I guess they are supposed to be like 5 minutes now a days. That wasn't how it used to be.
I have so many questions! I can't stop obsessing that i'm not really dealing with the trauma I'm just dealing with the symptoms. Though the symptoms are somewhat radical and unexplainable could they be explained by trauma? But then of course I look at mom and she doesn't deal with trauma I think....everyone is nice to her pretty much but she's just angry and etc. How can one know for sure what's really going on in their brains? I think I'll keep taking the pills. The major reason is I experience dissociation from my personality when I don't take them. I become someone else. Or the same person in another person's shoes.
I don't think I'm in denial of anything but I am confused about what's right or wrong or who to ask....who's decision is it now? Now that it actually is my decisions I'm just like screw it I'll take the pills. Though back when I was being tortured into taking them through isolation and harassment I suffered extreme amounts of trauma. Just being left in a room in the dark for hours and hours is enough to drive someone crazy oh and add that I hadn't been sleeping the 9 weeks I was in the hospital. No I never ever slept and then of course they pretended that was OK? Am I too delusional to know if my arm is numbed out from needles and I can't sleep? If I really do have trauma. Then can I go away from here on a long journey and never return? My brother doesn't have schizophrenia and he actually is a lot more like my mom who's the crazy one.
Maybe it was her who drove me crazy? She's always been crazy now I have realized shes the one who put me through all these paranoias when I was young and she OD'd on prozac and said that her parents were evil child molesters etc. Maybe SHE's the schizophrenic. She obviously doesn't know what she's talking about anymore. God!....I get stuck with the worst genes ever. My parents are getting separated again. I should have never prayed for them to get back together. I have a slight hope that maybe I'm not schizophrenic afterall. Oh yes I know it doesn't matter what I think...yeah right! It matters a lot what I think! Our thoughts effect our brains more than any psychiatrist will ever admit!
Schizophrenia? Bipolar? It's all the same. Let's face it. We're lost. We're hopeless. There's no cure and I wish I was born in the Middle East because at least I wouldn't have these professionals shoving pills down my throat.
I'm probably regressing into the past because it IS my choice now. Except that it's almost as if I was kicked onto the floor and the rug was pulled from under me and then I was told I could never walk on it again. Then one day the rules changed. I was an adult OFFICIALLY. Since when does being a youth warrant SO MUCH ABUSE?
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