June 17, 2004


Dear Average American Citizen,

Well, the cards of grief have been shuffled. Which one is it today? Denial? Anger? Bargaining? Depression? Acceptance?

Today I'm angry.

Today it is about my losses. Not my son's. Funny how this part of the process always seems to run into more barriers than any other.

One, because few people like being around an angry person. Least of all myself. But, wherever I go, there I am!

Two, because I'm a woman and we are not supposed to get too up close and personal with this emotion. Especially not the arm of anger that elicits motivation and power, rather than just liquid anger and tantrums.

Three, because it just plain feels awful to be angry. It's hard to be happy when your pissed.

And four, because it's the last great act of defiance prior to acceptance.

What am I angry about?

The two by four that hit me upside the head and sent me reeling in the first place.

The ignorant audacity of others who still expect me to function as if my life is still as it once was.

The plans I had for myself that seem to shrivel up into all the 'not nows' and 'laters' and 'maybe somedays'.

My own personal inadequacies of never measuring up to all those people who seem to be able to accomplish so much more than I in spite of even more drastic difficulties than I am dealing with.

Truth be told, I'm running on full speed ahead, with full barrels flaming. When is enough......... enough for me?

I try to remember what it is like to spend my time interacting with others, and not have to sort through their delusional beliefs to find the hidden reality. I miss flowing conversations and effortless connectedness.

Then there is the beloved task of sorting through the twisted language, both verbal and written, of government agencies assigned the matter of 'helping' the disabled and balancing the budget at the same time. Oh! What FUN!!!! Not exactly what I had planned spending my golden years on.

Frustrated? I'm beyond frustrated! I'm fed up and want to run away and live on an island; a very small isand!!!!

It's the continual onslaught of crap on top of crap that is gripping me by the ovaries and hurling me into this thing we call anger!!!

There was a time when the advice of others, when taken and applied led to a reprieve, an awareness or a solution. An experimentation in what will work and what won't emerged. Now, I just feel stuck! It's been a long time since any one's suggestions actually made a difference. Cuz, already been there, did that. Used to work. Not working now.

I can't even follow my therapists advice in putting myself first without running into yet another totally bizarre calamity.

On the advice of my therapist, I went to get my hair done. The hair dresser actually yelled at me. The woman sitting next to me said "I felt so sorry for you!" Now what a wonderful excursion that turned out to be in pampering myself!

Tried to take a trip up north with hubby. A time out, again on the advice of my therapist! Our hot water heater up there died. We spent two days of the four day trip getting it back up and running. One day taking care of a tenant problem. One day trying to calm down. What a time out it was!

Had an overnight trip planned with two friends to go to Shipshewana, Indiana and see the Amish village there. One friend had to have last minute emergency surgery. Meanwhile, the other friend who has a mentally ill son was dealing with her own crisis. A freak thunderstorm rolled through, lasting only several minutes, and toppled a tree onto his bran new parked car, totaling it! Me? I was at the mall, actually buying something to wear for the trip. I heard nothing. I drove home through the tree carnage, and darkened traffic lights, to find I wouldn't be going after all. Instead we would be holding the DTE candle light vigil, and getting through the night without power.

And yes, at least I can afford a therapist, and at least I can get my hair done, and at least we have a place to get away to, and at least no one was in the car when the tree fell, and at least we had candles to light when we had no power and ................................... but COME ON! Even the queen of denial can see the utter ridiculousness of my efforts here!

I'm just trying to do something nice for myself!

I have an appointment with my therapist tonight.

If she gives me another assignment to do something nice for myself, I'm going to tell her to shut up!

Posted by Doe at 08:18 PM | Comments (8) | TrackBack