It's the Devil
I am convinced that the Middle Ages had it right to some degree. It used to be called demon possession. Today's term schizophrenia, just doesn't suffice. It [the disease - schizophrenia, not the person] is pure, unadulterated evil and should not be trifled with by any unqualified person, like myself. The sickness needs to be expelled by men so holy that they burn with righteousness. A whole and separate liturgy needs to be designed just for this purpose. Trumpets of angels from heaven must be blown, and the walls of Jericho must tumble down once again. The afflicted must be fire hosed with holy water and Latin must be spoken. Medication? This is the answer for the effeminate modern age. Satan has released one of his demons and we have simply renamed it and labeled it for easier digestion.
A Day in the Life
I would just like to introduce you all to me and my mother. My mother is the sick one. I am just unemployed and living with her and my grandfather who is getting very old and senile. It is a difficult situation indeed as we are living well under the poverty line as a family. I am financially dependent on the social security of my mother among other things.
It's not that I am not looking for work. I have been looking for a decent job for ages. But as we all know the market is tough and lots of people are feeling it. I was almost able to escape the misery of this particular living situation only to be crushed by the demon. I was to have my own room in a house with another family in exchange for help with the children- an au pair type deal.
The demon came out of my mother when she found out that I would be living under the same roof as a married woman with three little children. She proceeded to accuse this poor woman of sexual misconduct and setting up a kind of sexual trap with me. I realized that I had not planned the move as air tight as I should have.
Needless to say, the whole thing ended up with the woman and her three children crying in humiliation. I was crushed.
This is typical behavior of my mother who has been this way for quite sometime. She has quite literally destroyed this family which has gone through an ugly divorce, bankrupcy, domestic violence, and random run ins with the law. Now I am stuck with her again and paying for it dearly.
Daily life is difficult. I find myself choosing to hate my mother without remorse- even when I feel conflicted. In a sense, I feel justified because she has done a lot of damage. In another sense, I feel sorry for her. Not a day goes by without me cursing her with contempt; I withhold judgement upon myself. She can just be so wicked and evil sometimes, I curse the day I was born.
I can't say that I have ever been able to establish independence. There just seems like a lot for me to work out. I should have lost faith in God a long time ago but I always seem to hang on by a thread.
I find consolation in small things right now. I read books and listen to and play music. I have some good friends too. It really helps. However, there is no substitute for a healthy family. It will remain a scar for the rest of my life. I also love to write, and hope that people who read my story will connect and not feel so alone. God bless.
