April 24, 2004

Forces gather

Up against the biggest battle of my life which I dont know if I will ever win.
often I sink into feelings of sadness,guilt,anger betrayal,disapointments...however these only increase my own feelings of being the victim..and time and again I have to remind myself it is not I who is the victim but him.
The Chinese word for crises is written in two syllables translated they stand for danger/oppurtunity both simultaneously.
The crucial issue is whether or not we recognise and act upon the opportunities presented to us amidst the danger.
I have to tap myself often to remind me of this.
The oppurtunity to improve ourselves,the opportunity to serve,the opportunity to be kind and loving,the opportunity to set aside all fear. And more than anything else the opportunity to challenge the illness.
Towards achieving all these I began gathering forces some two years ago..I did not know at that time that this illness is long and trying..emotionally,mentally and physically.
I did Reiki,pranic healing,Art of living,I chanted for hours.. I prepared a spiritual web site.
I completed a three month course in cognitive behaviour therapy.
I had to rehabilitate myself before I could rehabilitate my son.

Posted by Monica at April 24, 2004 07:18 AM | TrackBack


...and u come out stronger, stronger to fight, to fight the truth, to fight the real, to fight the unreal...
"From the unreal lead me to the real,
From darkness lead me to light,
From death lead me to immortality" - Brihadaryanaka Upanishad

Posted by: puzli at April 24, 2004 12:14 PM


What I'm discovering is when I gave up the figh and my need to control my surroundings....fix my sz daughter's problems, I started to feel alive and a peacefullness that hasn't been with me for years... I'm starting to feel more moments of joy and happiness. I'm practicing telling myself that I deserve a life and I don't need to sacrifice my life for my children. I'm learning to understand that even my sz daughter understands consequences and that she has the ability to mold her life. I'm not abandonig her but rather allowing her to make her mistakes and just letter her live her life the best way she can at that moment.

This did not happen overnight. There is a long, long stretch of grieving, anger and utter loneliness before I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. The Lord knows I have a long way to go towards my spiritual development. For me it will be a life long process.

Some folks may feel I'm being selfish not hovering around my daughter and frankly I don't give a damn what they think. What matters to me is how can I develop into a happy and joyful person. How can I rid myself of negativity and hopelessness. I strongly believe my family is much better of when I radiate happiness and joy instead of stress, anxiety, confusion, anger and depression.

I feel our search and frustrations is our path towards a more meaningful, joyful and rich life.


Posted by: Moeder at April 25, 2004 06:30 PM

//////// You will win and your son also.This is a war in real sense. No war can be win if already one feels of sense loosing it. I also sometimes fed of similar situation. Once I was very disappointed due to some big problem and was watching programme of Vladimir Putin (Russian president). He was meeting with boxing team of Olympic players. HE VERY RIGHTLLY SAID that one never should have feeling to loose the game////////as U start thinking about it U start loosing the game. Winning spirit is 50% ratio of total win, rest 50% are based of another inputs. Now i apply it in my everyday life. It is changing gradually my life towards betterment.
so never even think of not winning it.

Posted by: Nick at April 26, 2004 08:47 AM

...and slowly your realize that it is no more a fight...the tao shows the way

Posted by: puzli at April 27, 2004 05:43 PM

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