April 18, 2004


Hallmark of this ugly illness, is the paranoia.

I hate it,
I loathe it,
I want to run from it,
I wish it would disappear, but
I have to face it head on

This past week has been up and down. Monday - Wednesday, the stress of the impending end of the grade period resulted in several outbursts from David. These invariably end up in paranoid ranting, that we don't love or care about him. If we did, we would help, but the help has to be on his terms, with no requirement of him. I was a bit to keep most of these from going too far, and he was able to calm down, but the edge of surety that we, school, his teachers, his brother, and the world are against him is always there.

Wednesday was especially difficult. He was very paranoid, and screamed at me for a long time. He escalated into the you don't love me, you never do anything for me, you only care about Dalton, you don't make him do anything. He was screaming that if Dalton got in his face again, he would go to Dalton's room and shred everything Dalton owned. There was no rationality or responsibility there with him. I just had to ignore him. Gene got home and mowed the lawn. David has refused as, he was convinced it did not need mowed, and he refused. However, after a period of time, Gene was able to convince David to take over, then he went ahead and mowed the neighbor's lawn. He does this for money. The exercise seemed to reset his emotive control.

Although it sounds bad, and strange, David's injury of his ankle at school on Thursday, in some ways, acted as a reset switch to his functional level. I picked him up from school, we went to the doctor who diagnosed a bad sprain. We bought a brace and rented crutches, ate lunch, and I dropped him back at school. Thursday evening was better than he had had in several days.

Friday, David had a band contest immediately following school. We took Dalton swimming. [Dalton went poop in the toilet Wed morning, had poopy pants Thursday, pooped in toilet Fri morning, then accid in his pants Fri afternoon, but went at the pool before we swam, in the toilet. Swimming seems to be very good for him, and a motivator for toiletting.] Friday evening, David was edgy and tired, but we managed to have a good evening without huge issues. He even decided to sleep in Dalton's room on the floor to keep Dalton company! Dalton is a bit anxious about the sound of the wind on the house siding.

Saturday Dalton had a parade, and his first Challenger Little league baseball game. David decided to go with us, and he did pretty well. We parked the truck for him to sit in and watch since his ankle was hurt. Dalton had a great time and did well. David enjoyed watching the game, he sat with me on one side of the field for a while, then with Gene.

Unfortunately, at the end of the game, both kids were tired. Dalton made a "Fake" swing with his bat toward David. No intent, and no way near hitting him. David got paranoid and yelled loudly "If you every hit me with the bat, I will..." he did not finish the threat.

We managed to leave and get the boys calmed. Had lunch out. David did a tiny amount of history homework, then i took him to a card tournament from 3pm-8pm. Gene and I took Dalton to the Canal walk, and we had a long walk, and dinner, and peace downtown for the evening. David was very edgy when we picked him up. He went to bed about 10pm.

Today, Sun, Gene and I decided to skip church. maybe not the best choice in retrospect, but I wanted to take it easy due to my back and shoulder being out.

David slept in until about 8:30. Dalton was up bright and early about 6:30am! We let Speedy (bunny) out on the porch for a while, blocked the dogs out. Dalton was having a good morning. he began to wander the neighborhood to play with other kids. When David woke, he appeared to be i a decent mood, but edgy.

About 9:30, Gene and I decided to take a short nap. The boys began to get in each other's faces, i separated them. Told David to go to basement. Dalton was to leave his brother alone, and play computer or outside. Unfortunately, we had only gotten to sleep about 45min, before i was woken by Dalton screaming and crying. Evidently, David had come upstairs after Dalton went out to play. Dalton returned inside, and "Pretended" to swing his bat at Dave. **He did not hit him**. However, this perceived threat was enough to send David's paranoia of being hurt through the ceiling. David had taken his crutch, in response, and swung it at Dalton. David was in the recliner and Dalton was on the couch. the crutch hit Dalton in the crotch, hence the crying.

I was trying to get the details, when Geneee also came down, woken. David was screaming at me, calling everyone in the house "F***ers". Gene got into the conversation, and David was screaming threats at him. Gene made a comment, to the effect of, what do you want me to do, kick your other leg?, not a good choice of words...... This lead to completely paranoid outburst.

I managed to get David to take two clonopin and ibuprophen, for the ankle. he was "Gone". he refused to go to his room to calm, even when I told him he had permission to lock the door. He said we could unlock it, he did not trust us, and he KNEW that we would come up to hurt him. he said if he went to his room, he would get a Knife and kill to protect himself. Then escalated to what did I want him to do, throw himself out the window. He probably would, then I would not happy. I could not get him calm, he would not move to find a quiet space to calm. he was sitting/laying on the floor in the dining area.

I told him he had to decide how he was going to calm down, and stop the threats of harm to us or himself, of I had no choice but to consider hosp. I finally did call emer pdoc re: threats and suicidal ideation. David lay on the floor complete shut down for about 5 - 10 min, then disappeared. I found him in the basement, barricading himself into the void under the stairs. he placed cots in front of himself. i tossed him a blanket as the concrete was cold.

A therapist called back, and then David did agree to talk with her. I think the Clonopin had kicked in a bit. he played computer games for a while after that, then came upstairs for icecream and brownies. He is still edgy, and the paranoia is underlying his thinking process all the time. I did manage to get him to take a shower. I hope he does better this evening.

I hate the paranoia. there is no possible way to convince a paranoid, irrational person, that you are not a threat. That we will not hurt him, or that we love him. I find myself wondering just what kind of life he will have with this outlook on life? He is still this paranoid, on medication. We have tried so many interventions, and still, even when doing better than before, he still has this problem.

Calm in the face of storm. Peace into desolation. Still nothing can give him comfort.......

I pray tomorrow is better.

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