April 29, 2004

Life goes on...


She sits enjoying peaceful afternoons
Chatting at the fringes of her mind
Restful - Comfort - Prayer

Chaotic waves intrude upon the silence
Awakening sensation prickling skin
Alert - Vigilant - Worry

Anxiety invades and grabs control
Adrenaline rushing thru her breast
Screams - Tears - Fear

Racing where she seeks to intervene
Hoping she can stay the brewing storm
Hurries - Stumbles - Fails

Attaining site of peace� obliteration
In desperation diving into blaze
Inferno - Fury - Burns

Dividing, disconnecting valued foes
Striving to protect from grievous harm
Partition - Separate - Depart

Combatants field, destruction of affection
Sirens come to staunch the flames of pain
Anguished - Misery - Despair

Excursion to bequest a residence
Of asylum from the thunderstorm
Rage - Blame - Hurt

Salty streams incinerate her soul
Desolation piercing loss of hope
Love - Pain - Prayer


I was on the run all day yesterday, what with Dalton's field trip which went wonderfully, and then hospital visit, Gene was buying new cell phones for his office and for us, then I got new glasses. I guess in some ways keeping too busy to breathe is a coping mechanism...

Anyway, we did visit with David last night. I had misread the information and they will not allow Dalton to visit, so Gene and I split the time (all of the 45 min allowed) and saw him.

David is very upset, depressed, he hates the place, nothing to do, he was awake at 5am yesterday as he got a roommate early, and was unhappy that they do not let the kids out of their rooms until 7am. then they have 2 and a half hours "Room" time in the afternoon. He had noting to do. I made sure that he talked with the unit nurse about the books they have there, hopefully he will choose one. I also found out they do not have a complete deck of playing cards, so I told them I will buy some and "Donate" them to the unit, so David can "check out" a deck to play with while in his room.

It is heartbreaking. He wants to come home. he is convinced that we are doing this to punish him, and he does not intend to hurt anyone. I know this, but tried to explain, it is not that he wants to do these things, but that his irritability level and ability to cope isn't there... He was telling me he does not trust anyone there, that he will not stay a moment longer than he decides, that if he has to he will break the glass in the door and get out. I explained this was a choice he could try, but told him it would be a bad idea. I mentioned the isolation room and restraints they had mentioned when someone gets dangerous and will not be redirected... He said he could get out of there, and out of the restraints... Then I tried to explain again, that if he chose to fight that way, they would likely end up giving him a shot to knock him out for his and their safety. David said if they touched him with a needle, he would punch whoever in the face...

I know he needs to be there, I just pray that we will get what he needs and we want from this. He is all concerned about failing school, that he cannot keep up with his work.
**He hasn't done hardly any work in 5 weeks!**
I took his Saizen (hormone) shot to the hospital last night, and he was adamant that they would not be allowed to give him his shot. I cleared with the nurse that she will watch him self administer.

We have "Family therapy" this afternoon. I found out this is not a meeting with the doctor, but the social worker. Evidently, I may not meet the pdoc! Everything is to be relayed thru nurses and soc worker..... I don't like this part! Hopefully we can get our questions answered and some comfort level of what is to happen. I don't like the feeling we have about all the questions about his hormones causing his symptoms, etc.... I am picking up a letter from his therapist re: his history, treatment, and med plans..... She explained, as I knew, that they can make themselves available for the hospital, but they have no power there. We don't want to alienate the hosp pdoc and have them go the wrong way on treatment. David is very upset, because "If they really cared about the patient, they would make sure his pdoc was allowed to be there and do his treatment, and he does not trust this quack!"
He did not like the doc, said was very impersonal, and fixated on his line of questioning and refused to talk about anything else.... The agitation and paranoia are in force. I am just praying that they don't try to rediagnose him...


Update: We saw the social worker today with David. David is very symptomatic, agitated, and vocally upset. Given where he is, I guess this is a good thing. I was pleased to hear from a church friend that the pdoc David is being treated by, is her daughter's pdoc. She likes him a lot. Also, I was told that they had not made any changes yet as they would like to confirm with David's OP treating pdoc, that clozaril is on, approved, and they will follow up after he exits the hospital.

I guess I was worried for nothing, but Way back in the early days with Dalton, we had a horrific hospitalization experience. I guess I am a bit PTSD!

Anyway, I brought the letter from his therapist, Jen, and even though Davids pdoc is on vacation, I think the letter was enough to soothe the hosp pdoc's concerns. The plan is to start him on Clozaril tomorrow, and "Maybe" He will be able to come home early next week. Fingers (and toes) crossed here.

David was in with us for a while. He was VERY unhappy to hear he was going to be staying a while more..... He got agitated, verbally loud, cursing....etc.... I pray that this medication works where the others have not. I am so tired of this for him and for us. If this med does not work. I have no idea what the next step is.

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