May 02, 2004

My heart doesn't understand...

I know I'm not to blame, but the feelings are still there, this devastating illness will not allow me to comfort my child.


My agony is locked away,
and guilty in my peace.
My heart burns with flames
of nourished rage and dread

Being eaten from within ,
my soul craves sympathy
Yet with myself
I cannot empathize

Pain resides inside my mind,
and in my dreams, I torture find
consigning my reward

For I cannot understand his fear,
still I chose to place him there
And though he�s safe,
he hates me, all the more

Entreating every moment,
hoping someday to appease
His anger at intruding
when he understood no need

I close the windows of my world
and drift beseeching Lord
Alleviate his anguished
veiled fears

We just got home from the hospital. It is very apparent that David will NOT be coming home in the next couple days. he is awake, very agitated, and making homicidal threats against the adults on the unit, for their being against him, for me not taking him home, ....

I spoke with the nurse on duty she got hold of the doc on call, and they will reduce his Risperdal another 1mg, and increase his clozaril from 25mg am, to 25mg bid. They also will give him 100mg Trazadone at bed, instead of the 50 he has been taking. He told me he is very tired, but could not sleep.

I can only imagine how upset he is going to be when Mon rolls around, and he realizes he will not be coming home... Even though we were very careful not to imply he would be doing so, it was phrased as a possibiliy to him that possibly early this next week. Unless there is a miraculous change overnight, I can't see it.

Keep the prayers coming! My head knows he is in the right place. I thank God we were able to get him there before he crossed that final line of hurting someone, but my heart just doesn't understand....

God Bless and keep us all,

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