May 01, 2004

Medication side effects! I hate'em!!!

I would like to say I know this will pass. However, I hope and pray that it will. Just seeing David so drugged looking, sedated, last night... I hate medication side effects!

David was pretty doped up last evening. Very tired. They woke him for dinner about the time we got there. I sat with him while he ate, but he was so groggy, I got him something to drink, and napkins, etc.... he simply forgot. Gene went in after David finished eating, and he only stayed another 10 min or so. David was just too sedated, staring off into space. He barely acknowledged we were there. I think this is pretty normal with a new medication. Hopefully, the sedation will wear off quickly. they did cut his risperdal dose by half, so I think they are titrating that down as the Clozaril is titrating up...

Dalton is doing pretty well, he misses David, but I have often said, repeatedly to him through the years, that if you cannot be safe to yourself and others, you may have to be hospitalized. Even though he was only in the hospital once since he came to us, when he was 4years old, he remembers enough to place this in context. Even though the hospital policy is no siblings, Since Gene and i are both visiting, Dalton is at the door and has been able to wave and say hi when we switch out. He knows David is safe.

The social worker sounded like he might be able to come home early next week if the Clozaril is going well and the severe irritability has lessened... then we would follow up with his OP docs. I can handle routine stuff, it is only the severe aggression, homicidal threats, and physical follow-through. If this can be contained quickly, we can deal with the rest at home.


Here he sits,
glassy eyed,
gazing into space with nothing there.
Expressionless and passionless,
lacking liveliness to care.
Seemingly, he has no pain,
but I possess a plentitude for both.
His mind is buried deep within,
a cavernous,
blinded soul.

How is it best to medicate
until his windows' radiance is black?
To calm his hurt, our only thought,
we question how to ever bring him back.
Pills of peace transformed our boy
to an anonymous automaton.
Which is best, and what is worst?
His brain to rage,
or empty shell,
soul flown?

It isn�t fair!
It isn�t right!
Who made the plan to steal my baby boy?
For all my wailed, despairing thoughts,
he�s the one unable to feel joy.
My heart cries out in agony
shattering and screaming in the gloom.
Although surrounded by our love,
here he sits,

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