May 22, 2004

Rough evening....

My World�

My world consists of one room
I built it myself
It has no windows, no doors
Only walls and a floor
But its walls move�

They never move further out
Only closer in
Toward me
To crush me
To force me to become small
To crawl deeper inside myself

There is no light inside my world
Only darkness
And the darkness grows
As time goes on

As I grow older
I become smaller
As I become smaller
Other people matter less
As others are less important
I look more to myself
And become fearful
For I am of less value to others
Than they are to me

Every extra thing I retain inside
Causes me to fade
further into the background
One day I will disappear�

My world consists of one room
I built it myself
It has become my prison
And I have no escape

(I was going through old poetry and pictures this evening from years ago, I cam across this one I wrote when I was 15-18 years old.... Depression can strikeanybody. I can only imagine David feels worse than I ever did)


Reaching, monstrous tentacles extend
Grasping for the heavens' earthly gates
Reaching out to feathered creeping clouds
Floating past, into the greying sky
Rays of hope faltering, disappear
On evenings� conquering entry to the world
Driving hope into the depths of gloom
Beyond horizons, underneath the sea
Straining, searching orbs pursue lost dawn
Chasing vanished skylines, bolted down
Stretching painfully within the dark
Craving safety felt upon pale edge
Powerless to pause the flight of joy
Existence� exodus inhaled by dread
Anxiety expands, encompassing
Hidden fears obscured by days� events
Shivers emerge to intimidate
Nightmares appear, engulfing lasting peace
Radiance digested by the dusk
The crawling ebony inhales belief
Thoughts stagger trapped inside the creeping dark
Where gratitude seems leveled by the weight
Of violent, burgeoned, deadly, dreary, blurring
Time�s animation lost vitality
Last lucid thought, a plea of prayed entreaty
Begging for a moment to conceive
How to survive within a darkened world
Isolate, alone, forlorn, in need

For some reason, and I have no clue why, David really seemed to have a rough day. As I mentioned earlier, he awoke unusually irritable, and edgy. He ended up sleeping most of the day, and when he woke, he was not much better.

David seemed to fluctuate, back and forth, between, barely leashed irritation, and blowing a gasket! We had intended to go to a drive in theatre this evening. Unfortunately, David lost it pretty badly, verbally, when I asked him to take his textbooks and game paraphenalia to his room. Instead we ended up renting DVD's.

To David, this change in plans translated to yet another example of Mom being a "LIAR!" I tried to explain the need to changing plans... basically, his reaction illustrates his instability this evening. When David gets unstable, overwhelmed, stressed, whatever the cause, he becomes extremely inflexible... He sees the world as very black and white. There is no room for changing plans, for unexpected data, or any adjustment to the plan he has for his world to function.

When he is doing better and his meds are containing his symptoms better, this is not nearly this much a problem. I did manage to get him to take 12.5mg of Thorazine (PRN) this afternoon, although I do not know how much benefit it had.

I ended up just telling him, that when he loses control and lashes out verbally before we leave to do a planned activity, then to use his terminology, I will become a "Liar" rather than expose him or the public to a potentially difficult, negative, dangerous situation. I told him that if he wan't to use the term "Liar" to describe my actions, so be it. My job is to do what is best for him and this family, not to make him happy by following his dictates...

I hope and pray that tomorrow is better.

I need to remember: There is a light, no matter how dim, if only we seek to find it.

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