Living in Chaos: Survival

When will it end?
Will it ever?
Why does this happen?
Where will we go?

When the darkness seems to overwhelm my soul with grief
And heavy tears are choking every breath
When I see an action taken which isn�t understood
And wonder why I didn�t follow him when I could
When I know there was no reason to look for such an act
And had no ideation to prepare for its prevention
When this is the first time anything like this was done
And yet the consequence is irreversible
All I can seem to do is cry

I cry for them
I cry for him
I cry for me
I cry for us
And my heart breaks

It bubbles to the surface of my heart, and mind, and soul
With rising temperatures creating surging flames
And covers all my thoughts with darkened clouded fog
Miring me behind a wall of agony and grief

I struggle to lift up my head and voice my answer, coolly
Yet cannot seem to find my will to breathe and do the task
So drowning in the quagmire of my self induced disturbance
Buried, I am chained within a cage of disbelief

A captured spirit caught within an anguished suffered blaze
My eyes are blinded by the pain of unrequited hope
Broken, shattered on the ground and trampled underfoot
Despairing and defenseless I cannot seem to think

Frantic with anxiety, my fretful soul collapses
In puddles of gelatinous and viscid creeping pain
Until my gaze is drawn at last to sheltered sanctuary
Within the safety of his arms a refuge, where I sink

Quiet Time�

Resting in the dappled shade, beneath the willow tree
Where diamonds on the water kiss the wind
And whispering trees are singing tunes, of peaceful reverie
When laughter of small children lingers soft, therein

My eyes can barely see the joy that passes through my view
Where giant fingers reach to heaven, breaking up the blue
And harps of green are murmuring their secrets to the sky
In languages of loving care, where we forgot to cry

His soul, a churning maelstrom of emotion
A swirling storm of hurricane strength winds
Thoughts existing, twisted, knotted cords of pain
He drowns in the beginning, at the end

Time is undefined, a tempest of his mind
Where memory has painted all he views
With swirling rainbow colors, bleeding life and love
Blurring bands of reason, multihued

Distorted and awry, he feels that he will die
If he cannot rise above the gale
Yet, crippled by his past, in fire his heart was cast
He cannot tell the difference should he win, or should he fail

Love and pain, all feel the same,
He cannot separate them in his mind
Shades of muddied color shining brightly in the night
He wonders how he ever will be able to define

Golden love from midnight hate
Crimson pain from pink delight
Chartreuse hope from blue despair
Violet joy from emerald care

Eddies spin out of control as he is sinking in the flow
Roiling mix, just seems to blend in painted lines which do not end
He struggles ever to the rim, a constant conflict just to swim
He cannot know his only hope is to surrender, just to float

For at the center of his storm, within the unseen eye
There is a treasure in his reach, hovering beneath his sight
A pristine bloom, a bud of peace, serenity far off, yet close
To find asylum from turmoil, he has to become vulnerable

In the still of the night I lay in silence
and marvel at the wonder of my world
in the softness of my bed, I rest my aching head
and can feel the stress of life just slip away
as I hear the soft night sounds echoing outside
my focus here can shift to things which do not make me cry
and I thank heaven for the miracle of respite
found beneath the edges of the sky

As each moment passes by the softness 'round me grows
clearer, and more heartfelt in my mind
I can feel the sounds of gentle wind come to carry me
upon their wings of soothing, whispered, breath
crickets cry for all my tears and bring my spirit peace
as hypnotizing melodies transport all worry spent
till consumed my weary soul can coast on waves to dream
of sweeter seconds safely berthed, intent�

I am like the dog that chases his tail,
neverstopping, completely focused,
intent upon his task, oblivious
I cannot stop to enjoy the view,
I must continue running,
constantly seeking the goal,
ever illusive, unattainable,
ever out of reach,
yet always in my view

I struggle endlessly
to reach the carrot hanging
just, one more inch, ahead of my fingertips
A puppet on a string of some unseen handler,
I dance to tunes which I don't even realize I hear

I hunger for normalcy,
yearning for the pulchritude of peace,
discontent and restless, I cannot seem to stop
Until a clanging bell resounds with painful sound,
capturing my attention for just one moment...
Then I realize that I have once more been tempted
into the dark abyss of self importance
and falling to my knees, I beg yet, one more time
for your forgiveness and forbearance,
for your mercy, for your peace,
to be content...

Thank you Lord for the challenges
which have been given me.
May I never be so selfish as to forget
the grace I have received.

Amen

Grace�

My face was wet with tears,
which fallen from my soul
Had drifted, deeply from the place
my heart had hidden all my pain

My shattered mind, distressed,
seemed to have failed the test
Of placid peace and harmony
I had appointed my refrain

My hope, stretched delicate,
brittle, flimsy, frail,
Lay wrecked and ruined at my feet
where my composure failed

So broken and distraught,
I hung my head and cried
Lifting silent prayers: Dear Lord,
Please rescue me from where I lie.

My comfort knew no bounds,
for when his answer came
The velvet touch of peace
relieved my soul from every strain

His calming words brought joy,
which soothed my aching heart
His presence close beside my fear,
delivered me a pristine start

I knelt in gratitude,
for I could not repay
A single grain of what I owed
for giving me this brighter day

Instead his message came,
benevolently on the breeze
There is no cost or fee assessed,
just share my gift with all who need

We are what they see�

Our hands are painted brightly with our deeds
Our souls dyed with the pacts which we have made
Our hearts are tinted with the shelter of our dreams
We�ve dreamt of for ourselves and for our blood

Our touch leaves lines and traces of our hue
Behind when we have touched another soul
The color smoldering is bright with residue
Emotions often left out of control

Our spirit grows from our foundation�s vine
With vintages of passion flavored wine
Whose aftertaste depends upon the subtle brew
Of tenderness or anger borne anew

Our harvest is determined by our path
The journeyed trek of love or pain we choose
For choices which once made will make up who we are
Serenity or chaos, we�re imbued

Our fantasies and goals change over time
Once passing we cannot regain the frame
And if we are not careful to point our path toward home
We could find joy has flown from our refrain

Our lives are fragile, fleeting, delicate�
One misstep can lead us upon a trail
Whose passageways are fraught with enormous stumbling blocks
Leaving our intentions there to fail�