April 05, 2004


This morning I woke up terrified. I used to never be afraid of anything this Earth could throw at me. In college, I studied zoology, and dreamed of traveling to far off lands to capture strange new creatures. I've been bitten by everything from a lemur to an anaconda, and nothing gives me the willies. However, my brain has changed now, and I often find myself in a nightmare of terror. You see, the one thing that I was always secretly afraid of was a lack of control. And now, I cannot control even my own mind.

Today I had a job interview scheduled for three o' clock. I already work a part time on-call job at a local residential home for the mentally-ill. Of course, my boss doesn't know about my condition, and if I have it my way, no boss of mine ever will. However, I want to get an additional job. My entire life, I had a set plan: Graduate from college, get a job at a zoo, get married, move into a house and raise a kid. Now, I can't do many of those things. I don't know what sorts of jobs I'll be able to handle, so I've jumped from part-time job to volunteer jobs and back in a desperate attempt to become a contributing member of society. My newest endeavor is bartending. So, I donned my best interview clothes early, and paced my house in anticipation.

The problem is that the busses don't run today, so I had to borrow my live-in boyfriend's car. Driving is another new fear. I'm terrified that I will hallucinate and crash the car into a bus-load of kids. I spent five minutes shivering in the driver's seat, adjusting the mirror before I left.

On the freeway, I experienced the familiar psychosis I've come to expect. My ever-present voices grew louder. They were in the other cars all around me, they drifted in to scramble my brains and attempt to make me swerve the car. They all wanted to control me, to destroy me. So much hatred in the world pressing down on me. Suffocating me. I kept my hands locked on the steering wheel, determined to not let them take me. I spoke aloud to myself. I read every sign out loud, and talked to myself about my next turn. I made it safely.

The bar I applied at was quite nice, and a non-smoking one at that. I was disappointed to learn that there would be no chance of ever acquiring a full time position there, but I'm ready to try anything. For a year I was on disability, and living off the hand-outs of my loved ones. It's time for me to start paying them back. I'll find out tomorrow whether I've landed this new job. Wish me luck!

Posted by alex at April 5, 2004 02:29 AM


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