April 02, 2004


It was one of the scariest things in the world to see Mike at his very worst. I felt sad, and helpless and furious. I hated the disorder. I couldn't believe that what a schizophrenic sees in his mind is a real emotional experience for them and no amount of talking was going to change it. And the thing he thought I had done to him was be unfaithness.

In the beginning symptoms were mild, but throughout last summer his doctor started to adjust his medication and that is when the world as I once knew it was gone forever. It was a physical and mental roller coaster ride throught hell.
He went from one medication to another with some calming in some places but in other places the symptoms got unmanagable.

That is where the books came in. I learned the terms associated with the disorder like cyclical, and ruminating thoughts and symptoms and decompensation. And they all seemed to happen around the same time. All at once-like a stew.

Holiday and family get togethers are stressful timed for him, and getting a new girlfriend that " is so patient and so willing to do what she could" sure did help matters, for his family anyway, the pressure was off a little for them.

A little backround. when Mike was diagnosed he was sent to a mental istutution for a month or two, and he was in his early 20's. Not long after that, a couple years maybe, his mother died in an accident, which left hiim fighting for support not only to compensate for his mother, but to understand and manage the schizophrenia. (I don't like to say His, because it isn't all he is. It is just something that he has). This made things much more complicated for everyone, and now the trickle down effect still exists and it is at these times of year I have found that he is most likely to decompensate.

It was hell, even sometimes now it is but nothing compared to those few months. He made me move during that time. He truely believed that I had cheated on him and it was so real to him, he was shaken. It was so confusing for me. The day I left (for a week) I called his doctor and told him he needed immediate attention and that he should call him as soon as possible, and I left. It was what I felt I needed to do to keep him out of the hospital. The quiet and calm of being alone and develping some structure along with the right medication did the trick. That time anyway. It has never been quite that bad since.

The worst feeling for me was knowing I didn't do anything and that there was nothing I could do to change his mind - he had already lived it and it was too late.

So lately things are calmer and as normal as things can be here in our house.
I never know what is going to happen from day to day and it is always a surprize to me.

I would tell him early in our relationship that I wish I could just cut it out of his brain. I think everyone that deals with this with someone they love with this feels the same way.

Easter is just around the corner ... I am waiting to see what happens with that.
No matter how under control everything is right now ... I know that there is something brewing, and I guess as long as I know that, I will be a little prepared for what might happen during this holiday.

And I make sure he takes his medication-everyday at the same time. It a necessity.

Posted by norm at April 2, 2004 05:12 PM


It is very imp that U understand sz. U can't blame him .........It's not his fault//////
once he is used to take the right medicine, his situation will be better, in most of cases under control. God bless him and more will power U//

Posted by: nick at April 4, 2004 12:29 PM

each person acts according to his/her own perceptual reality. so do we... even i believed that my family was trying to destroy me.

Posted by: puzli at April 5, 2004 12:03 PM

Hi Norm. Just want to say hang in there. Just being there and being a "rock" is all we can do. My brother was diagnosed yesterday. I think it is going to be a long long road, but I know we can do it together. He too blames his live in girlfriend for "cheating and lying". He has two beautiful children, age 3 and 2 months. He knows he is not feeling right. This has apparently going on for a few weeks. He finally couldn't take it anymore and cried for help yesterday and we talked him into where he needed to be. I hope he knows that things can only get better from here. He is such an awesome person. You hang in there. I know I will.

Posted by: Jen at April 5, 2004 04:34 PM

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