May 04, 2004

Ext ...

And so it keeps going. I have come to the conclusion that family and loved ones of persons suffering from schizophreina are very special people, and VERY SELFLESS. We have not only our own sanity that we must handle carefully and nurture to make sure we don't fall backward, but we also have to be on our toes for whatever may be in store for us, everyday, with our suffering loved ones.
I am not made of stone, nor is Michael. The anger and frustration I feel at times is so over-powering that I fell like I am going to pass-out. It is sometimes just too much. Like pressure on every inch of your body, pressing in on you, until you are going to pop.
Finally the other day he told me what his diluision was, and I laughted. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. And at the same time to realize that his brain takes so much energy and turnes one suggesting into an event that he actually lives and experiences is madening to me. I still can't comprehend it all. It totally blows my mind. Yet with each dilision he is feeling and living each event-I think he feels like he is in a dream. 24 hour a day, every day of his life.
He told me that his dilusion is that I am "a sex addict and that I have sex with anyone I can as often as I can." Yea ... well, I don't know how I feel about it all. I do know it made me absolutely sick to my stomach. Understanding it Kind OF still doesn't make it any better. I just try to forget it. I just try to hope that one day this month will be normal and nothing will be said about suspiscion or noises or things that were never said. This is not something that one recovers from easily. This is something I have decided to make part of my life. Now is that nuts? To me, no, not if you really love someone. Its is so complicated, I get headachs trying to figure it out. Its more drama than a Soap Opra.
Anyway, the confession didn't make anything better, now it is almost a daily question, and daily plea for "I just want to know the truth." When the REAL truth is...he will probably never believe anything other than what his brain tells him to believe, no matter what type of proof he is given. That is so exhausting.
I have never been so tired in my life and with this choice, I will probably never feel rested again ... not for the rest of my life.
So hang in there everybody. Say many prayers. Only the good Lord can help me throught this everyday-and help from loving people like all of you. I guess we will have to just stick it out together.

Posted by norm at May 4, 2004 02:52 PM


Dear Norm,
Your love is inspiring. I have bipolar disorder but I manage it well with medication, sleep and therapy. I'm lucky that I'm able to live a good life. Even so, I fear that no one will want to be with someone who, despite my best efforsts and on rare occasions, has periods of psychosis and mania followed by long periods of depression. You are a beautiful person to try to hang in there. Don't forget to take care of yourself, too -- kind of like on an airplane -- you have to put your own oxygen on first before you help your child. You are in my prayers, as is Michael, and I hope you can find some help so that you are not alone in this. Peace. Rachel

Posted by: Rachel at May 14, 2004 08:18 PM

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