January 04, 2005

Musings on Madness

I really don't think anyone reads this anymore. But what the heck here goes nothing. I realized today that a lot of times I preclude myself from new opportunities because of anger. I wear thorns. I hear a lot of people in public say I look muy enojada (angry). I know I exhibit the facial expresson of a person who is going to go off; but I don't know what to do about it. I feel anxiety and terror about poverty and I feel acutely alone. Right now I have seasonal affective disorder. I feel that until I overcome this anger issue I can not move forward with relationships or work. Since the hypoglycemia kicked in I haven't felt right. I must eat every two hours or else I really don't look normal. I fear not looking normal too. My friend says that she can just accept not looking normal; but I can't. How can you when you appear antisocial. Part of this could be mania or depression. I suspect mixed states. I hate living alone. I am also having a problem with hormones. I've been sick since Thursday.

I'm supposed to lead a meeting tonight that I had volunteered to run; but don't know if I am up to it. I have a lot of fatigue lately. I bought some Dong Quai and started taking it as soon as they delivered it a few minutes ago.

I had offered to take a trip to Texas; but don't know if it possible what with the daily stomach illness and fatigue. I really miss my family over there. My 11 year old neice sent me a poem today. It really touched me. I sent her this one:

Myth of Hope

The Pig who sang to the moon

told me that we must live life

by design, not by default.

We are bug-eyed people,

palms open

anticipating explanation.

He said: All suffering

is caused by separation;

there will be no more dominance.

The pig yodeled Hope;

and what I heard was my whole self

singing and saying what it knew: I can.

It all passed through me

like a mountain spring

in a winter's dream.

Heather Wilcox, 2004

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at January 4, 2005 10:57 PM | TrackBack


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