August 21, 2006

Sorry, but no joy today.

I got this comment on my blog a couple of days ago that pierced my soul. It said something like these poems suck and you should go commit suicide. What shit! I deleted it and fired off an angry e-mail to the monster that wrote it; but the letter came back mailer daemon. Maybe that is mispelled. But it was quite a relief that they did not receive it. Such bad karma. I was afraid I might get kicked off of here if I wrote that.

I am in again today. I am quite sad. Tori Amos is playing in the background. Will keeps writing and forgetting to make an effort to show up. I wrote him an angry e-mail yesterday and said that I felt that it is as if I am sending up smoke signals and beatiing a drum on a distant mountain. So I think instead of this continuous tease I am going to end it with him. His actions are telling. I feel like I am his prisoner and on occasion he remembers to slip me some food.

I heard a radio special yesterday about the life of Jimi Hendrix. It made me sad to hear how he od'd on sleeping pills. Was he manic and couldn't sleep or was he depressed and just done with it? I also remember when Kurt Cobain passed. I completely understood him wanting to check out.

I didn't get to go to the poetry meeting over the weekend. I couldn't sleep until 6:30 a.m. So I slept until 10:30 a.m. and felt pretty miserable. I haven't seen friends or family since last Tuesday and haven't been out much either. I have been maintaining contact by phone though.

I don't know if I explained that I fired my case manager/therapist. I did it because she disrespected me when she did not return my call about Victor. She called the day of my appointment when I didn't show up and yelled that we had an app. and that she was planning on discussing the issue during our session. She had told me to call her between sessions if I ever needed support. So I lost trust in her. I guess she taught me how to set up boundaries. She reccomended that I break off friendship with three individuals I knew because of their dysfunctional behaviors and was hinting that Will was not really all he presented himself to be. I am glad that she clued me in to people's b.s. and that I deserve better. But now what? I am growing stronger in ways and feel weaker in ways too.

Today I am waiting for the plumber to show up and repair my kitchen sink. I haven't been able to use it for about 5 days. They don't have emergency maintenance here so it was postponed for a while. This feels kind of slummy.

I feel hungry and cold because of hypoglycemia; but I am tired of having to eat every two hours. It gets old.

My meds are screwy right now because I have missed a few doses of Lexapro. I ran out and will get more tomorrow. I haven't felt well enough to go get it.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at August 21, 2006 10:50 PM


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