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A motley crew we were at the clubhouse today and oblivious to the outside world. The thing about people with mental illness is that we are usually people with exceptional intelligence and there is no ignorance and therefore no bliss. See when you are manic you are possibly blissful; but most of the time on meds you are so painfully aware of your deficits according to society and aware of how you might never quite measure up. There is no ignorance about the ways that professionals consider us either high or low functioning and there is no lack of questions from family and others about what we do with our spare time. My activities are mostly frivolous and are of no value to society. So today I write with a heavy heart as I realize that I have lost so many people ths past year possibly including my ex-husband who I have been friends with since my divorce.
My called a friend last night and she said that she is in a schizophrenic episode. She said that she has been in this state since we had coffee one night probably at the beginning of September. She can't go to temple for high holy days because she is talking to herself and when she is not doing that she is having a conversation with someone in her head. She is going to take a leave of absence from work and get state disability income for a little while. She has mostly been at home for two weeks now. I feel sad that she is so ill and I don't know if her having coffee with me that night had anything to do with her setback.
I have been procrastinating about getting a job. I was considering applying for a job at a department store; but then decided yet again that this was not the job for me. Maybe I just want to be lazy. I feel a sense of guilt though in not having an occupation. I missed the cut off dates for fall classes again. I mostly feel bored with my life. My Grandmother used to say that bored people are boring people. So I'm sorry if this is all a big yawn fest.
I am reading a book on developing your psychic powers. It is teaching me how to meditate. So far it has explained how to make a sacred space and which candles to use. It gives prayers to say to protect yourself and to bless your sacred space. I am very into this book. I also got a book my Julia Cameron on creativity. I think it is called The Golden Vein.
I checked out The Breakfast Club, a movie made in the eighties, which I really fell in love with. I think it is one of my favorites.
I did get to go to the memorial service of a friend who recently passed away. It was nice. I was happy that a friend had space for me in the car. I hate not having a formal way to grieve.
I saw a couple of movies in the theater recently. I enjoyed both of them. I saw A Death at a Funeral and it was very funny. I liked one of the actors that I had seen in Station Agent. Station Agent was very good. I also saw a movie last weekend called Sea of Dreams. It was what you might call magic realism and was very interesting. It had a pleasing look to it.
Posted by Butterfly Emerging at September 28, 2007 10:40 PM