A Mother's Journey

Do you ever wonder.............how can this ever make sense? "They" took my son from me because he had emotional problems. Because he had a guardian I had to take extra steps to get the information I needed about my son. How frustrating..........So, I went to visit my son in the hospital, and it met or exceeded my every nightmare. The visit went as well as could be expected I suppose, but I was still in shock. The hospital was a great distance from my home so it was important to fit as much love as possible into the two hour time frame I was allotted. This all took place in November of 2000 so Thanksgiving was fast approaching. As it turned out he was still hospitalized so my youngest son and I travelled to spend it with him there. I was absolutely struck and appalled at the lack of parents there. Out of the aprox. 20 kids eating there were 2 sets of families. Now I try not to judge, but being the human I am, I was very saddened at the lack of families. About two weeks later he was released. Oh happy day!!! When I picked him up the nurse said "He needs to see a counselor at least once a week and take his medication (paxil)" Alrighty then.............so, they had determined he was depressed (my understanding). So off we go to the counselor..........that has never worked well for my son, he is not comfortable talking to most strangers on an intimate level. Thankfully, as his mom he shares everything with me and I mean everything!
Now begins the medication nightmare. The Paxil worked as stimulant. I spent numerous nights up with him trying to keep him from crawling out of his skin. I would be up until 4 or 5 am and go to work at 8. Thinking that it would take time for him to adjust (that is what they told me) we went on like that for about a week. Finally I called the counselor and told him that we needed to find something different. So, we tried Zoloft..............same results. And to top it off he was still having major problems in school. After about two weeks on the Zoloft he quit taking it altogether and said he wasn't going to take anything. We agreed that he would talk to me whenever he was feeling bad. He refused to see the counselor because I also was seeing the same one..........the only one in our town. Even though I offered to quit he still wouldn't go. About a month went by and he was no longer in school and wanted to go back to Oregon, where his friends were. He said he missed them and it was making him more depressed. In my desperation "to fix it" we moved. Lord the turmoil...my youngest son was just settling in and liking his new school and activities and making friends. I guess in my own confusion I lost sight of him and his needs. I have suffered a lot of guilt over "losing" him in all of this.
After moving back to Oregon things did not get better. He was skipping school, staying up all night, and just not doing well. He would fly into rages that were so scary. At one point he said to me.."mom, I hear voices, they told me to bash you in the head with a beer bottle" I said "well you aren't gonna are you?" He said "no, of course not" I had no clue........I hear "voices", the ones that say "dang I forgot to put the clothes in the dryer" I never imagined...... He attacked his little brother, who then came crying to me that he wanted to leave. He did not want to live with his brother anymore, he was scared. I spent so many lonely nights just crying because I had no clue what was going on. I took him to counseling, I took him to the doctor, I yelled, I cried, I did it all.....................nothing. His medical doctor said he was a spoiled teenager who needed more discipline.
Then the police knocked on the door. They said that he was suspected of breaking windows in town and burglarizing a record store. Up reared the ugly head of denial..........convinced he would not lie to me, I confronted him......."no, of course he hadn't done that" So off to the police station we went......where he confessed........ And being a responsible mom I said he needed to take his lumps. Now we are in the juvenile system........YIPEE...... When he did his intake with them I maintained that he needed to not plea bargain or get a lawyer,. because after all he had done it, and I thought he needed to learn his lesson. He told the worker he did it for the adrenalin rush... So, we went to court, and they threw the book at him. Probation, restitution, and community service. Needless to say, he did not do well in the community service. Noone was gonna tell him what to do! Even though he admitted to doing these things, I still Knew, somewhere in my heart that something was just not right. So, I called and got him an appointment with a counselor. She thought he might have a seizure disorder........finally a path to follow. So, we got a referral to a neurologist with an appointment two weeks later. And the police knocked on the door again.........this time he was at school and scared a little boy by yelling he was the devil. They said that he then started beating on the side of a moving trailer....thus putting the young boy in fear of his well being. We went to the police station for questioning. When asked how he got his knuckles hurt he said, "I don't remember.....I am not saying I didn't hit the trailer, I just don't remember" The ever compassionate policeman said "I think you are a liar" So, he offered to take a lie detector test. The officer agreed and said he would let him know when it was going to be.............Little did I know the true nightmare would begin with something so simple.