June 20, 2004

Recent thoughts

This is what I have been thinking about, partly copied and pasted from a letter I recently wrote. I hope you won't mind my sharing it in this fashion.

What I want you to know is something that is TRUE in the most fundamental sense, though I know you will have trouble with it, trouble accepting it, largely because you are all so much the opposite. But the Truth, capital T, whether you believe it or not, is that I am evil and as a consequence, if I were to do the Right thing I would not write here or talk to friends, or allow myself even to be on this earth any longer. (I assure you that though the reasons are selfishness, cowardice and plain old fear, I refuse to do what I should do, and I promise I won't.)

More than that, the worst thing about this is the understanding that nothing matters, nothing alters this fundamental truth, not even whatever little I have ever done that might be considered kind, generous, caring and so forth, not even trying to be the saint I once wanted to be, the child who did things without wanting credit for them, acts of charity (as in the Latin, caritas) and other stuff, things that, by the way, adults inevitably spoiled the purity of by noticing and admiring. Oh never mind, it doesn't matter, and even if it did, the whole point is that I shouldn't tell you what I did or even what I do now. Just trust that I once did my best to be as Good as possible, to help people and be as unselfish as I could (though this may seem utterly unbelievable now, I suppose). This has always been very important to me, as it continues to be...

But to finish the thought, what I understand is this: no matter what I have done, no matter what I do, no matter how charitable, kind or unselfish the act, NOTHING can ever compensate for the evil that comprises my essence, my most fundamental self and being, NOTHING. That's what makes me feel so sad and hopeless: the uselessness of it all in terms of changing what cannot be changed. I never wanted to be evil, I still don't, and I still try to make up for it. But nothing can change who and what I really am, nothing I do can atone or compensate for my evil in any way. And that fills me with despair, the utter futility of trying to be forgiveable.

I know that, at least in Christianity, forgiveness CAN'T be earned, that no one actually deserves it; one simply gets it for free, literally by the grace of God. But even such a gift as this is forbidden me, completely beyond reach; I can't be forgiven because I am too conscious, I know too much, I understand my essential self, and therefore have no excuses. I'm not able to say: I didn't know, I didn't understand...Because in fact I do understand and am conscious of everything. Therefore I must be Satan, the one and only completely unforgiveable soul on this planet.

You should understand by the way that being Satan is something you're born to, not something you will, not something you choose. But you cannot do anything to change it. You are evil, and all the good things you try to do will never make up for that, no matter how secret, how selfless, how kind or loving or charitable. All I know is that if I were as good as I profess I want to be (and should be), I would withdraw myself from everyone's presence forever, not write here again, so as not to infect anyone any longer. No one is safe; all are vulnerable, most of all those who claim not to need to worry about it.

NB: even though Satan, I am also human and like anyone else I want the usual comforts, the relief, if nothing else, of human company. So I continue on, selfish and evil, knowing nonetheless that the world could be purified and at peace, but only were I gone.

That's the unvarnished truth of the matter, however terrible.

Posted by pamwagg at June 20, 2004 03:56 AM | TrackBack


My apologies to Mr. Stewart for referring to you as Mr. Sherman. If the website is comfortable with printing your comments, then freedom of speech prevails. My impulsivity is legion. I simply wanted to defend Lynnie. In the future I shall confine MY remarks to reactions to Pam's blog. I have no right to object to your personal opinions. This is the end of this misuse, begun by me, of the comment section. You will never hear from me again. I wish you well. Paula Kirkpatrick

Posted by: Paula Kirkpatrick at June 24, 2004 07:36 PM

Although I realize the blog comment section is not a forum for debate between or among those who choose to comment on Ms. Wagner's articles, I cannot help but take issue with Mr. Sherman's critical remarks about Carolyn Spiro, Pam's sister. His remarks are conjecture at best and insulting and hurtful to a woman who loves her sister dearly and whom Pam loves equally in return. I would suggest that Mr. Sherman confine his remarks to issues that directly address the points made in Pam's blogs. I believe that is the purpose of this forum of expression. Protectively, Paula Kirkpatrick

Posted by: Paula Kirkpatrick at June 23, 2004 01:56 PM

Hi Pam, so nice to read everything you write! i liked that one poem about the silver burglar and your doctor, so much, i printed it out and put it on my cork board to just read it and savor the images. great stuff....

as far as us being intrinsically evil, i remember my Catholic teacher explaining man's nature in this way: that we are weak, and flawed due to our human nature, and it's fallen state. Satan only makes use of our fallen state, but does not have power over us. He can only tempt.

But we are correctable. With God's grace, we are given help to overcome our fallen natures and live holy lives, to be another Christ for others; to continue His work upon earth. He gives us the grace to amend our lives.

And in Scripture it is said, that man should ask forgiveness not once, but 'seventy times seven'- in other words, each and every time we fall. Or feel down. He is there always waiting and hoping we will turn to Him. In fact, our crosses, illness and such, are helps which take us closer to Him. If we didn't have such weaknesses, then we wouldn't know humility and wouldn't need His help and love.

So, in all things, He draws good out of evil and directs all things for our own salvation.

and if you 'were gone' who would write these posts? who would do your work? it is some thing only you, Pam, can do. And what it is, unfolds each day.

love, alfia

Posted by: whatsitallaboutalfia at June 22, 2004 01:50 AM

I have been reading your posts and worrying since you haven't written much lately. Know that people all over are thinking and praying for you. It's this illness that's evil not the people suffering from it. I know that my words are useless to you in your pain but I pray for peace for you.. You are the teacher. You help enlighten people on the burden of schizophenia. Because of people like you, we non-schizophenics
learn empathy and compassion and research and being pushed to help understand this awful disease. May God bless you and provide you His peace.

Posted by: barb at June 21, 2004 11:15 PM

Dearest Pam,
You may not be perfect(who is?),but you are NOT evil,nor can you claim to be Satan. If Satan does indeed exist, his identity is his own, as is yours Pamela Spiro Wagner. This shift in your thought patterns disturbs me greatly. I shall not give in to my usual hysteria, however,since I am now a seasoned Pammy expert. I know that in time you will return to yourself. Until then, I shall swaddle you in layers of goodness and hold you closely to me to show you that you will always have my compassion, support, and friendship. Your Paula

Posted by: Paula Kirkpatrick at June 21, 2004 11:01 PM

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