March 13, 2006

Update on "Worried and Nervous"

I did go back on Zyprexa 5mg, which has already helped my concentration a little. I actually read a magazine, not a sophisticated one, but the fact that I read anything at all amazes me. I haven't read a book or magazine from cover to cover with enjoyment and without forcing myself to grind through it (largely without comprehension) since I dunno how long. At least two years...But now, a week after I started the Zyprexa I had the urge to pick up something to read, rather than parking myself in front of the TV, and I was able to actually read it.

The urge to open the mag or book is as important as the ability to read what's there, you know. Because before this, I didn't even feel like picking up the book to try. I just had no interest or motivation whatsoever. Suddenly, it doesn't feel so intolerably difficult. In fact, I feel this compelling urge to do precisely that: I feel curiosity to find out what is inside the book!

Curiosity, interest, compelling urge -- these were not things I felt just a week ago. They have to be related to the Zyprexa, and I know they are, because the same process happened when I took it in 1996.
But it stuns me now just as it did then, the colors coming back into the mental landscape. I feel other feelings a little more too, like a wooden doll that is coming to life. Even when I sounded depressed, I felt more empty and deadened, deficient of emotions, than actually down in mood. I just didn't understand this until I was able to feel these new feelings.

Also, I'm glad to report that though it leaves me still having to gain weight, the drug itself does not at this dose increase my appetite or sedate me at all. These are good things. I want to gain weight on my own, not eat voraciously without enjoyment simply because I'm driven to. And I'm so glad that I don't feel oppressed by sleepiness, which was my other worry about the Zyprexa...So far so good, in other words.

I still feel that other people are thinking and talking about me. I won't take a walk or go anywhere without someone going with me so I'm not alone and without protection. But I'm hoping these fears will pass too. So things are looking like they may be getting better soon...there is progress being made at the very least. TTFN

Posted by pamwagg at March 13, 2006 09:39 PM


Dearest Pam,
I have been with Hades in the Underworld far too long. I grieve that some of the frightening feelings have returned, as I simultaneously rejoice at the return of interests that you had lost. Never, for even a second, think that I had lost my interest in commenting on your blogs. I was just too sick to even try.
Lovingly, Paula

Posted by: Paula Kirkpatrick at March 23, 2006 11:23 PM

Please take care of yourself. You are in my prayers. It is always good when I see your new postings. God bless you.

Kent Chastain

Posted by: Kent Chastain at March 14, 2006 05:51 PM

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