December 21, 2006

I saw Dr O today and gave her my log, where she read that 2 weeks ago I weighed 98 pounds, which was up from 97. So she said she didn't need to weigh me and I certainly went along with that, though I hesitated a while, because I didn't know how to tell her that I've been eating so little, so often forgetting to, so often just not feeling hungry and scrambling at the end of the day to get down some calories, that I've lost 2 pounds already. I suspect she would be angry with me for withholding that information, but I dunno how to tell anyone what I weigh, much less her. I mean, I am not too concerned about it, (yes I am but I dunno what to do about it) and I don't want her concern. So why tell her? Even though I think she wants to know. But it's all so crazy, because she weighs me with clothes on, and my weight in half pounds is obviously dependent on what I'm wearing, since when I wear lined winter pants and a blazer I obviously weigh more than I do when I wear light weight pants and a blouse - and I'm as likely to do one as the other, what with this crazy weather! Now, this would not be important if she were after a ball park figure, but we know she is not. She is counting the half pounds! So I ask you, how accurate can any clothed weight be? If she really wants to know what I weigh, she should ask me to weigh myself in the morning, in my undies, and report it to her. I don't lie about it. Why would I? I have nothing to gain from lying and for the life of me I can't figure out which way I'd be expected to lie, up or down! 8D

I'm going to talk to her about this because it really makes no sense for her to weigh me, and I need to know that she trusts ME, as much as she expects me to trust her.

I decided that I will try the neuro-feedback, which is a very different animal from what it used to be when it was used for ADHD and other kinds of specific problems. This is a whole brain approach, with the brain essentially healing itself, wholly unconsciously, in that the person does nothing and is aware of nothing more than an interruption in the music or audiobook they choose to listen to. From what I gather, you choose something recorded to listen to and watch patterns on a computer screen, a rather beautiful screensaver, or I think you can merely close your eyes. And as you listen, the electrodes glued to two places on your scalp, to the right and left of center, record your brain waves -- delta, theta, alpha, beta and so forth. I don't know what each kind means though it will be explained to me as I go along, but I think the delta waves have more to do with your body than other waves do. And we've all heard of Alpha waves and the relaxation response (if I remember correctly...If I don't, somebody help me out. What is Alpha and what does it have to do with?) Anyhow, these waves are not specific to any one thing, just generalized states and areas of experience, but the neurofeedback machine measures if some waves are out of balance with the others, with spikes and peaks that are disproportionate compared to the rest. When that happens, the practitioner will put a limit on the wave size, so that when the spike occurs that goes past that limit, the music you are listening to shuts off for a moment, which teaches your brain to lower the surging, the peaks, and to achieve a state where they are eliminated. You feel nothing. You notice the gap in the music, but that's all. Your brain does all the work. Eventually, supposedly, you end up with a balanced healthy brain that functions at its peak, doing the best work it can do, which is what we all want. I surely do, at any rate. I want my memory back. And I want to be able to read. And I want to feel less evil and guilty, and less paranoid...and so many things. I'd love to find out what my peak is and whether I could achieve something of what Zyprexa gave me, but without Zyprexa! So I'm going to try to trust Dr O, and not get paranoid about this procedure, which is harmless at any rate, and give it a chance. I'll do it once. Then see what I think. I'll report back about it in January, after my first session on January 3rd.

Today I visited C and L, had lunch, sorta-- in that I didn't eat much of it, with them, then came home and had Joe up to wrap his packages for him. We sat on the floor to do so, but I didn't realize that sitting down there would be so difficult for him, and of course he didn't tell me (why would he tell me? He'd rather suffer than admit he can't do something. And I'm supposed to simply know?). But when he got to the floor, he fell over to one side at first because he lost his balance, squatting and then sitting. Luckily, he went slowly and has enough strength in his arms to catch himself, so he didn't hit his head or hurt himself and managed to push himself, with me pulling his arm, to a sitting position again. But why, knowing this problem, he didn't simply tell me he would sit in the armchair while I sat on the floor, I do not know. He can be so damned frustrating, as you all know. But he is my friend, and I love him as my friend first and foremost.

I made butter cookies for the Christmas eve dinner Karen inveigled us to create and attend with her and Gary, but nothing about them came out right, I dunno why. They aren't very sweet, one, and two I couldn't roll them very thin without picking up a lot of the dough on my rolling pin, so they came out a lot thicker than they ought to have so they aren't thin and flakey at all. It's been many years since I did any cookie baking, so no wonder they aren't perfect, but I don't have time to go back and make another batch. Oh well, they are extra, as my real contribution is the Raspberry Sherbet I'm making, plus the Colcannon. Jeeze, then the next thing is the Christmas breakfast that Karen also decided we had to have. Again, I have to cook -- this time, fresh biscuits. Those are easy for me, though, as I have made a huge container of homemade "bisquick" so I only need to take a cup of this mix and add a 1/2 cup water and voila, six drop biscuits are made in a jiffy. But I'll be glad to have all these Christmas meals over with, as you can guess. It's not that I mind being around the food. The food is all great stuff. Just that I don't have much of an appetite and have trouble being with so many people for such a long time. At Christmas proper, at my parents's house, there could be 20 people in the one dining room at one time, which means a LOT of noise and crowding and hustle and bustle and color and stimulation. I only hope there is a bedroom for me to go to if I need to get away from it for a while. My brother and his family may be using two of them; I dunno about my younger sister, if she will be staying over; but there is one tiny bedroom that might still be free that I could use. I'm hoping so at least as I doubt that I'll be able to last the entire time without some break. Joe understands that as does my mother I think.

Well, I wrote this while it was still Thursday, but it is now after midnight, so who knows where this browser will put this entry, Dec 21 or 22. If 21, I'll write more later today. If Dec 22, then I'll try to write again on Saturday to make up for not writing on Thursday!

Posted by pamwagg at December 21, 2006 11:44 PM


Pam, I am very much interested in this "new-style" neurofeedback. My daughter had neurofeedback about six years ago and a little more recently, and it was cutting-edge at those times. The patient, with electrodes attached to their scalp, manipulated specially-designed, no hands, video/audio games or less playful feedback with their brain wave activity. The games/feedback were custom-programmed by the therapist to suit each patient's own particular needs. Interruptions in music, or less pleasing music or tones, were indeed often part of the feedback, so maybe there is not so much difference now, I don't know.

Theta waves would be a bit faster than Delta or sleep waves and would predominate in a drowsy, unfocused state, as I recall. Well, I will be anxious to hear what you think of the therapy, but, in the meantime, have a wonderful Christmas with your family and Joe.


Posted by: Cynthia at December 23, 2006 08:49 PM

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