January 02, 2007

Today started out on a down note when I weighed myself and found out I was at 94 I had to eat today whether I wanted to or not. I made a good start by having a rather unconventional and bad breakfast of an egg and french fries (leftover from supper), fries not being the sort of food I often eat. Though I'm wondering now why it is considered not good for you: is it because potatoes and vegetable oil have little nutritive value, beyond starch and fat, both of which I need? Or is it something that makes them actively bad for you? I dunno, and I can't think. Must ask someone. Because if it is the former, obviously I needn't avoid them after all! But in any event, I tend to prefer truly healthy stuff like whole grains and fresh vegetables -- a baked potato over fries any day for instance. I like very little meat, though I'll eat it if I am presented with it, but mostly I avoid it when I can... But where was I? I ate a decent breakfast, then took an involuntary nap from 10-noon. Though I wanted to do other things I simply couldn't stay awake. When I woke, I immediately started working on my tortoise, and finished the underside, at least the papier mache part, by four o'clock, forgetting lunch! Damn! By that time, I decided to have supper and not wait, then have a big snack around 8pm, which I did. Though I know I won't have gained any weight by tomorrow when I see Dr O, I did try to eat and feel I am on the right road to not losing any more.

During the making of the tortoise today, the little people voices were going haywire, ordering me to do this, do that, put paper here, put more glue mixture there. Once, they were telling me, as they do, about some domestic war that had broken out and how the crease and gap in the paper I had put on two days ago simply had to be concealed or the war would go very badly for them, so would I please cover it up with gluey paper immediately, several times, please? I started doing this, and had covered the spot twice, with them begging me to keep at it, when I realized that this was NUTS. They were just voices telling me that some fictitious war was going on on the turtle's stomach and I was going to follow their orders as if it were true? How long was I going to obey them?! So I stopped, and went back to the job that needed to be done, but the little people kept at it the entire four hours, begging me and telling me all about their lives and trying to cajole me into changing my mind and listening to them. Oh, listen I did. I had no choice. But I stopped doing what they told me to do until they finally stopped asking or telling me and returned to merely bickering with me or with each other.

I don't know what or who these little critters, these little people are. I mean, they don't feel scary, like the voices do. THey talk to me, and about me, yet don't nag or carp or say nasty things about me, and though they order me around, it is to help them, not to hurt me or anyone else. Despite what anyone thinks, I am really rather, well, not fond of them, because they are rather annoying when they start getting me off track when I want to be doing something else and find myself responding to them. But I am not trying hard to rid myself of them either. I feel kinda sorry for them, like they need a home, and who better to provide it than me, since I am already used to them. If they didn't have me, they'd have to find someone else, and that person might not greet such interruptions with equal equanimity. For me, as you can all imagine, after what I've been through, the little people are nothing, they are, as the French say, "tres amusante." [very amusing]

How is everyone's New Year starting out? How were your holidays? Do write in to tell us all if you feel like it. They don't have to have been great or successful. If they were a downer, it can help to vent and you can do it here. Please feel free to use my comment section in any way you wish, except for flaming of course.

I realize this is a short entry but I'm going to have to stop here, at least for now. I didn't write poetry for two weeks, because of the busyness of December, and I'm itching to get back to it. And although I didn't formally announce it, my informal NYR, is to write here every day. Somedays, therefore, it may only be a paragraph at best. I may decide in fact that such a requirement is so grueling that it is affecting the quality of my entries and have to cut back in order to have some time off. But for now, that's what I'm going to try to do. In January, at least.

Posted by pamwagg at January 2, 2007 07:58 PM


Dear Pam,

I just read that someone who is 5 feet 2 inches should weigh at least 110 pounds. This means that you're 16 pounds underweight. And this means that you can eat whatever you feel like. You're starving your body so all those fatty carb filled delicious foods are at your beck and call. Right now, it's not what you eat, it's that you eat. I really believe that you must treat eating with the same dedication that you treat your writing, with the same faithfulness you show towards taking your meds, with the same loyalty you show towards Joe's and his illness. That means three meals a day, every day even if they start out small.
That means setting the alarm clock to ring at meal times. If you can take your meds, I know you can do this. You have the training, you just need to apply it. Make meal plans and stick to them the way you would stick to a diet. You have the intelligence and the ability to be disciplined. New Year's Resolution # 1--GAIN weight. And I still think you should have an eating disorder therapist, even if you go just once a month. Talk therapy does work. Lately I've been thinking about returning to a therapist again because I've been feeling depressed and isolated. It's just part of self-care. When what you're doing isn't working you have to make some changes by reaching out for help. You've been doing so well in all the other areas of your life, you can do this too. I'm so glad that you're so open and that you write about your eating disorder but also get outside help. Talk to Dr. O and ask what your options are. I'm sure she'd love to help. Meanwhile, I'm back to reading my books on it and I'll be around for you.

French fries are just fine. And little meat means you have to get your protein from other sources like cheese, eggs, milk...

Posted by: Kate K. at January 3, 2007 09:10 PM

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