March 08, 2007

Hiatus coming up

I have to warn you all that my poetry manuscript has to be reworked and finished now in order to get it in the mail before March 31 and so once I have it in my hot little hands again, tomorrow I believe, I may have to spend most of my free time working on it instead of writing here. Rest assured that if I don't write much in March, that I will be back in force by April.

Lynnie and I spoke at Yale on Wednesday, at an Abnormal Psychology class. First we did a Powerpoint presentation, mostly slides of past and present psychiatric treatments in the US, from the 1700s up to 2007, then basically we opened the floor for Q and A, as we'd been asked to do. The students were a little shy, but by the time it was the end of the class hour, they were warmed up and ready for more...and we had to quit as another class was lining up at the door. What a pity. I suppose we should have cut short the slide show, which went on way too long, but we didn't know that at the time. I hope there will be a next time as I enjoy speaking. Who'da thunk that, a year and a half ago?

One thing happened during the talk that I did not like at all, and it is difficult to explain as I am not sure I understand exactly what was going on, or what was meant. The very first question asked was directed at me and it had to do with my motivations for getting so thin in high school, weighing maybe 82 pounds and dropping once as low as 74 in college.

"You wrote that this was not for appearance' sake but because you wanted to disappear, because you felt you took up too much space in the world," the student, a young woman, said. I nodded, wondering where she was heading. "Would you connect this to your schizophrenia, or would you say the two were entirely separate things?"

I thought a bit. "I think I'd have to say that this was part of my schizophrenia, because the feelings of being evil and of taking up too much space persisted and grew in importance. It was a major theme in my psychosis, in fact." I don't recall what else I said. Or what Lynnie said then in its entirety. She admitted that she had lost all the weight due to "Twiggy being all the rage" though I doubt anyone in that room besides us and perhaps the teacher, knew who Twiggy was. Perhaps her name was enough to evoke the image, who knows.

But then, Lynnie segued into an aside about me, saying that she thought, and "Pammy will hate me for saying this, but I think her weight concerns were delusional back when she was 60lbs overweight and to this day." I was stunned. What on earth did she mean, that my weight issues were delusional? I have no weight issues; I simply...Oh forget it. She was angry with me as usual.

I did mention this to Dr O this morning when I talked with her and she said that Lynnie might not be angry so much as worried, and that she agreed that my concerns with weight were the same as they'd ever been, a continuation of the "I am evil, I deserve to die" feeling I have always had, which is, as she pointed out, a delusion. Furthermore, because I am afraid to gain weight, I will always tend to lose, just in order to make sure I don't gain.

But I do NOT want to die! I don't. And I don't know at what point it becomes actually life-threatening. I mean, I survived being at 85lbs for many years when young (through age 33), and even going to 75 for a while, with no ill effects. Why is 93 or a little less so terrible? I know, I know, I shouldn't even think that way, but I dunno how else to think! I don't know what to do...I keep forgetting to eat and I have no cues or signals to eat, but when I do eat too often, I worry I am going to gain weight which would be the worst thing that could happen, and I don't know why. I look terrible and don't feel very well physically, so what is keeping me stuck like this?...unless it is what Dr O and Lynnie said it is, that delusion underneath it all.

I haven't the time or energy to write more right now. Only had 4 hours sleep last night and I keep nodding off while writing this. My apologies, but I've got to sign off and go to bed. Remember, if I don't write a lot for the next 2-3 weeks I will be back in April! (But who knows, maybe I will write. I'm just warning you in case...)


Posted by pamwagg at March 8, 2007 09:53 PM


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