May 12, 2007

Don't Know What to Do...

Paula wrote this comment (partial) to an entry a few days ago:

" dare you have the audacity to consider yourself the deadliest source of evil in this world. Do you truly believe that you can lord your evil over Hitler,Manson,Bin Landan,Judas,and the fictional Nurse Ratchet? You are aware of the historical facts that cannot be denied. You could not possibly have been responsible for Kennedy's death. You were a child. You were not in Dallas at the time of the murder, and you DO NOT have the ability to control the mind of ANYONE,thus negating your guilt by asserting your that you did not have to be present to do the dirty deed. Over and over you have told me in so many diverse ways that you are Satan, that your very being oozes over everyone and everything, rendering them helpless in the face of your odious power to kill, maim,control the politics of the world etc.,etc. You have told me that you did not even believe that I existed at all. I was simply a creation of you, the creator of the Matrix. I could say much more, but enough is enough. STOP ALL OF THIS FANTASY NOW, PAM. I know you are beginning to deteriorate, and if you don't get a grip, it'll be another glorious stay in the bin, your favorite place to be. You have risen above the heartbreaking pain and humiliation to which you have been subjected time after time after time. I WILL NOT LET YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF. IS THAT CLEAR? YOU ARE PURE AND ABOVE REPROACH AND YOU HAVE GIVEN OF YOURSELF SO INNOCENTLY TO PEOPLE WHO CRUELLY TOOK ADVANTAGE OF YOU. HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT YOU ARE EVIL? IT IS THEY WHO HURT YOU TO WHOM THAT ADJECTIVE MUST BE APPLIED.

I am willing to lose you again as I did so many years ago, if my words will shock you into remembering that you CAN and MUST triumph over the feelings that I know are so real to you, but you have already proven that your MIND is superior to your emotions. Let me end with words from the inestimable Tracey Chapman.

"Remember the Tinman who finally found what he thought he lacked. Remember the Tinman, go find your heart and take it back."

Please reach deep within yourself and find the strength we both know you have. Do it for yourself, Pammy. I am real, I am here, and I am begging you not to leave me or all the others who love you. I bleed, I bleed, and I can plead no further."

This and other recent comments from others put me in a position I find truly untenable and unbearable. I feel like I am causing all of you more harm than good by writing here, just as I know I cause my twin sister a huge amount of grief and anguish just by being. I don't know what to do about any of it! THERE is the proof I am evil, right there!!! Not to mention all the rest. But Certain People are getting into my brain via my mind and tinkering around, trying to fix me (as in "We'll fix you!"), so I don't know what is going to happen or come out the other side -- it may be I'll end up a robot or automaton, doing their wishes, the airline crew, only, and therefore prevented from committing evil ever again. I need to stop writing, stop bothering and burdening all of you and let your minds be at ease, I did not mean to get you all worked up and emotional and upset. I apologize. The stolen lemon curd started it and I will find out who did that on my own, but I won't write about it anymore. I don't think I should write about anything at all right now as it only upsets people. Truly. If I stop doing so it is ONLY for your sakes. I can't bear to put you through the torment I have been subjecting you to; it's bad enough for me, but to include you, well, that is evil!

That's all I have to say right now. I haven't made up my mind yet, but I'm thinking about it. I think you all need a rest from me right now...

Posted by pamwagg at May 12, 2007 10:06 PM


Please don't worry about upsetting anyone. You certainly are not upsetting me!!! Please speak to Dr. O soon and hopefully you will not be experiencing these horrible feelings much longer. Please try to believe what all of your friends are trying to tell you. I agree with all of the other posts. We all care very much about you, Pam. Feel better soon. Love, Sue M. PS I wore your beautiful necklace and earrings today and got a lot of compliments!!! They're beautiful!!!! thank you!

Posted by: sue marasciulo at May 13, 2007 09:26 PM

Pamela, I am in no torment. In fact I've been feeling better lately. Last night I went out to listen to a band with my brother and enjoyed myself thoroughly and tomorrow I start a volunteer job at my local library. I feel hopeful. And because I'm feeling well, I want you to feel well also. I hope you decide to continue blogging and I hope it's obvious that we care a lot about you. I can't help it if I like you and want to be a small part of your support team. I think your writing is good for you and good for us too. Your torment that you feel you are hurting the people who care about you is an illusion. Your feelings are real but your thoughts are skewed due to your schizophrenia. You have to doubt your own assessments and try to listen to what other people are telling you. You are not evil. You are not hurting us. You need help. Don't doubt what we say, doubt what you are saying to yourself.

Posted by: Kate K. at May 13, 2007 04:02 PM


You don't upset us. We care about you, that's why we write. You need to talk to Dr. O. You are doing so well for the most part and I'm sorry to say we try to be there for you and then you say you're upsetting us and that is not true.

The hospital is no place to live. Note I don't say, "the hospital is no place to be." When you're in a hospital, that's where you're living for whatever length of time you're there.

Better options exist. Talk to Dr. O now before things get any worse.

Posted by: Christina Bruni at May 13, 2007 03:23 PM

It's not hurting me Pam, please don't stop writing on that account. Your readers belong to you, but you can't hurt us. Those who love and admire you don't want you to suffer, we want you to thrive. You're not well now, but you will recover. You will recover.

Posted by: Debbie at May 13, 2007 02:58 PM

"People can be so cold. They'll hurt you and desert you.
They'll take your soul if you let them. But don't you let them.
You just call out my name, and you know wherever you are,
I'll come runnin' to see you again.
Winter,spring, summer, or fall
All you've got to do is call, and I'll be there.
You've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know, ain't it good to know
You've got a friend."

Music and lyrics by Carol King Sung most purely by James Taylor

The love the song expresses sent to you by your friend,Paula

I love you just the way you are.There is no need to "fix" you.
You have not upset, hurt, nor made me unhappy in any way. Your words do not have that much power, my darling. Their value lies in the love that you inspire in all who have been fortunate enough to occupy even a very tiny space in your enormous heart. If you wish to write, then do so. If you do not wish to write, don't. It is your choice. Your friends will always be waiting. Just call out our names.

We are one.The Twinnies 1,2, and 3. So much love.
Perky, Pesky,Paula Marie

Posted by: Paula Kirkpatrick at May 13, 2007 11:58 AM

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