June 12, 2007

Update plus...

As you can see, I uploaded some of my more recent creations, though not the absolute newest as I have not taken pix of those yet. THe order was meant to be from the bottom up, but of course you will be looking at them downward, most likely, so you'll see my worst one, the one I like the least, first, and the one I once liked the most last (I say "once", because it was sold, and therefore I can no longer "covet" it). Anyone interested, please contact me at my gmail address above...

Joe saw his urologist today about the bladder polyp he just had removed, and I spent an anxious afternoon, awaiting the news because they failed to come home immediately and I therfore assumed the news was bad. Luckily for Joe and happily for me, it was good news all around: though urologists consider ALL bladder polyps cancer by definition, this one was evidently as harmless as they come and nothing further needs to be done except for a follow-up visit in three months. Thank heavens! Joe definitely does not need another serious illness at this point. I think he is burdened enough...God. So if you happen to be listening, lighten up a bit. Leave him alone. Pick on someone your own size for a change, someone who can and will fight back!

I am doing okay. Joe and Karen seem to be doing fine without me, and Karen seems to have decided that it is okay to simply take over and take up all Joe's time, and Joe is not even trying to spend any time with me...F--k me! Obviously I'm no longer important in anyone's life. No, no, I know Lynn L still cares about me, because she keeps telling me how much she loves me. She calls me her daughter, and seems so grateful for the little I do for her I feel bad that I don't do more. She even offered to pay for J to come every week to help me clean up the apartment, rather than every other week as J had been doing, because she (Lynn) knows how hard it is for me to keep it up. I couldn't accept that, I just couldn't, though I understand the impulse and know she meant it. Damn, I know I should have accepted it! It would have meant so much to her to be on the giving end of things for once...and I deprived her of that chance to feel good about helping me out. It was plain old pride, that's all. It is hard to explain how I know I ought to have accepted, but I LOVE doinog things for others, and feel bad when they don't accept my help. So I ought to have known how she would feel when I said No, and should have allowed her to do something for me. But the problem is I couldn't rely on her to remember, as she is losing her memory and most likely would forget she offered, or would forget to give me the weekly $10 extra I'd need and I simply cannot see asking her for it in that event! No, it simply could not have worked, but I suppose I could have said Yes, thank you, and then assumed she would forget, but at least let her feel good for as long as she remembered what she genuinely wanted to do. Yes, that would have been the kinder thing to do...It is so sad to know she would not remember, because it was only a year or maybe two years ago that she would have had no trouble doing so. It portends bad things I don't want to think about. Her own sister, only 2 years older than she, died last year, and at 82 she had only recently lost her memory.

No voices for a number of days, only music, and that is fading. Haven't heard the little people in a while, which I miss terribly. Dunno why they are staying away. Maybe because I'm keeping my mind busy and distracted, so they can't get in...Still startling at lightning, but need to get an Amox---- level to see if I'm even at the proper blood level before I assume it isn't working. And who knows if the startling means it definitely doesn't work. After all, all my other symptoms seem fine. I don't feel ill in any other way. And the startling is definitely no where near as bad as it could be. Mostly just to lightning and perhaps to sudden, abrupt, loud noises, not to anything else that I can determine.

I have decided to go to the Flea Market with J this Sunday if it is still open, instead of waiting for Karen to go, as she keeps cancelling and I have not gone yet because of it. J offered to help me set up and stay with me for a while, just so I am not alone, before taking her mother to church before coming back to help me pack up again. I hope I can get there, weather permitting, as I really want to sell some jewelry or try to, and that's the only place I know of that I can charge full price and not have to share it. All the consignment stores around her take %60 and frankly that isn't worth it! My brother thinks I should sell on ebay, but from what I can tell, the prices people expect to pay there are even worse. But I don't know for sure about ebay as I haven't really looked around much to see what sells and what doesn't and at what price, though I know that necklaces I looked at were going for .99 to $5.00! That is a rip-off as far as I'm concerned, and not worth the beads I make the necklaces from. I already don't expecty to be paid for my time, but...Oh, F--k a duck! We'll try the flea market and then see what happens. The various nurses who come here so far have been my best customers!

Sorry this is so chatty but I don't feel up to saying much more than this right now. I need some new suggestions about what to write about, what people would like to have PLEASE comment, and give me some ideas!

By the way, you can click on any of the pictures below to see the jewelry in greater detail.

Posted by pamwagg at June 12, 2007 09:57 PM | TrackBack


Pam, it's been quite a while since you posted, how are you doing?

Posted by: Kate K. at June 21, 2007 08:20 PM

You do sound good Pam.
I have one qn concerning the Lyme disease. Is there any medication you take for that on a regular basis? or only when needed. You have said (and I agree it seems to be the case) that things have gotten worse (including another hospitalization) when the Lyme disease flares up. I am wondering if there is some way that the Lyme can be held in check so it won't ever flare up. I realize that you are taking a lot of medications so keeping a good balance for everything must be a big challenge. I am very glad to hear you are doing better. Glad to hear that the news about Joe was not bad news (which is definitely good news).

Posted by: Stuart at June 19, 2007 01:58 PM

Dear Pam,

Well, I arrived home on Friday evening but Saturday afternoon the front right tire blew on my car. So it's in the shop and I'm renting a car but that took a couple of days, anyway, I'm back and ready to start reading and commenting again. You sound good Pam and I'm glad to hear that you're working on making jewelry to sell. Definitely go to the flea market and see what happens. I have to finish making an afghan for my uncle's birthday on June 30th. I've done the bulk of it but now I have to put it together. It feels good to work on something, therapeutic and artistically satisfying. Have you been writing any poetry? I would like you to post a poem. I feel closer to your experience that way. Or post a favorite poem by some other poet something that speaks of some of your experience these past two weeks. Hey, and how's Eemie? I just brought back my oldest cat from my brother's house where she had to stay while I was away due to the fact that one of my other cats wants to attack her. She's got to be about 15. This past year she's had three colds. The vet is being careful with her due to her age. I can only spend about a third of the day with her due to the cat conflict and I feel badly about that but I think she's still happier here with me than living with my brother which she did for several years. Well, now I'm being chatty...

Posted by: Kate K. at June 14, 2007 09:30 PM

There's nothing wrong with being chatty! I'm glad you're feeling better. Good luck at the flea market.

Posted by: Debbie at June 13, 2007 12:40 PM

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