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I can't say how grateful I was to Lynn's family today when they actually invited me to come over when the Hospice nurse came, just to hear what she had to say and take part in that gathering...It felt so good to be included, and to see Cy, who had been keeping a stiff upper lip with me, actually show how he truly felt. I do not want him to feel so terrible, but I knew he did -- his heart is broken -- and I felt terrible that he seemed to feel he could not share that with me until today. Though in fact, I guess he had done so on the phone several days before...Anyhow, I just, I just...Ah...it is so nearly over and I cannot bear it. The hospice nurse said Lynn's kidneys were no longer functioning, which meant she would probably pass away in 2 or 3 days. I never got to say good-bye and the last time I saw her that she was nearly conscious I forgot to kiss her or say I love you! Both things she always wanted from me!
I'm so tired, I'm SO tired. I had a splitting headache and vomiting all weekend, and it has passed today only because I could keep it at bay with Imitrex, but if I let up, I sense it will come back at any time...I dread tomorrow, waking up with it once again. I dread the next several days, wondering which one will be the one when the call will come...Oh, oh, Lynn was so important to me, I cannot tell you. She was always there for me, always only a phone call away from coming to pick me up to bring me to their house or visit me in some hospital...I never knew what a friend I had in her, never quite understood how much she truly did love me until two summers ago, when we began to talk as never before...For twenty years and more she had been there, loving me and supporting me, but it was then, two summers ago, that I finally understood it, felt the reality of it as I had not been able to before. Whether this was a result of my getting better, or something between us, or something different in her, I cannot say and will probably never know. But for me, though likely not for her, something profound changed...I knew, I understood, I felt what I had had all along in Lynn and in Cy: two people who had never needed or had any obligation to love or do anything for me but who had done both freely and unconditionally for a good part of my adult life.
I feel like I will never get over the coming loss, but it hasn't happened yet and so I console myself with the knowledge that maybe just maybe it won't. Maybe my need can keep her here, and help her get well after all. But I know that is foolish hope, and cruel even, for she wants to go, and has wanted to for months. If I were to keep her here, she would only suffer. So I need to let her go, and wish her well on her way, hard as that is, hard as it is...
Posted by pamwagg at March 10, 2008 08:13 PM
I've written all I can write tonight. I am so tired. It is barely 8:30 but I am going to bed.