May 27, 2008

Probably a false alarm

Good news! Dr C said my worry about renal disease is likely nothing. Unless the numbers keep trending up and down, ie the numbers going higher keep going up and those going down keep going down significantly, where I am now is not bad. It would only be if the numbers got a great deal worse that kidney disease would be significant, according to what I "heard" in our conversation today. So I'm not going to worry. He did a few more tests and said he would call if anything further needed to be done, but I doubt anything will be. I think all is fine...I think Lynnie was blaming me and worrying me for no good reason and that in fact there had never been any reason for Dr L to notify me as to undue abnormal results in the first place. So all's well that ends well. I'm going back to making my papier mâché and jewelry and not being overly concerned about my health for the time being. Jeeze, what a waste of time. I've got better things to do!

One note I will add though is that Dr C did remark that he didn't believe extended use of ABs were a good idea or ever necessary...throwing me into a tizzy, unbeknownst to him, and of course now Josephine wants me to quit them too (she accompanied me to the appointment). I would do so, were I not afraid that I would become psychotic again and end up in the hospital! I know that Lynnie would say that I should not ever stop them and Dr L too. I suspect Dr O would agree...I think. So who to trust? NO ONE really knows...I myself don't really know! I don't want to continue to take ABs forever! I want to stop them, if I can! I wish Icould, I want to try! But I am terrified of ending up back in the hospital yet again, and of Lynnie's wrath if it fell out that way...I dunno. I just dunno what is the right thing to do, or what is the correct way to go. I don't know if it is really Lyme causing my relapses or just my imagination, the way these other docs must think! I believe it is Lyme, yes, but THEY don't...So who is right?

DAMN! I want off as many drugs as possible, and so I'd love an excuse to stop the ABs and if they are not actually keeping me sane, not actually working to keep me Lyme-free and out of the hospital, why take them? But I think they do in fact do that...If I only knew for certain! Big problem here: I hate to feel like people disapprove of me for taking them...But wait...Why do I care? Why do I care if people disapprove of me, if I am able to stay sane on them? Who cares what they think? Why in fact do I care? They don't care what I think! They don't care if I go crazy, or end up in the hospital or why! They only care that they have an opinion and that I know it...They have no stake in this but to vent their opinion. If I become psychotic and lose three months of my life to some hospital ward, what is it to them? It has no impact. It only ruins my life for three months or more! THEY DO NOT CARE. Why do I care what they think? I should not let their opinion matter to me...It should not play a role in my behavior or in my decision. They are not gods and should not have any power over me more than what I give to them. Why should their opinion be more important to me than my own experience? LISTEN to this, Pam! Hear what you are saying! Pay attention. Someone, anyone, tell me: Should the disapproval of others be the one critical factor that decides whether or not I continue to take the antibiotics? Come, tell me truthfully.

Posted by pamwagg at May 27, 2008 03:46 PM | TrackBack


Pam, I haven't commented before but I often read your postings. You are such a help for me to learn what kinds of things my daughter is going through. She was diagnosed @ 17 of schizophrenia. She's now 25 and lives on her own in a simalar haousing situation as yours.
But regarding the atb. thing.....I'm a nurse and I think there are some problems with long-term use, but the benefits for you far outweigh them. It really doesn't matter if they are actually treating the Lyme or if you just think it is.....botom line is that it is keeping you out of the hospital. So take them! Hang in there...Deb

Posted by: Deb P. at June 2, 2008 01:19 PM

I take loads of drugs every day because I need them. People have told me that I shouldn't take them, that I should try to do without, etc., and I used to try to accommodate other people's opinions--who knows? they might be right--but I am now experienced enough to weigh the pros and cons myself.

Of course, this depends on the drug. If you wanted to take, say, methotrexate (a heavy-duty chemotherapy drug) because you thought (with no evidence) that it would keep you from being hospitalized, then your family would be right to try to dissuade you. But long-term antibiotics, which are standard for Lyme and have minimal side effects? If that's what it takes to keep you out of the hospital, then do it! And there's no reason to beat yourself up for having to take pills for the rest of your life. Just be grateful for the opportunity to take advantage of modern medicine.

Best wishes, Pam, have a good summer . . .

Posted by: Debbie at May 28, 2008 03:09 PM

Wonderful news Pam! You must be so relieved and I'm glad that you are going back to your artwork. About the antibiotics you will have to decide for yourself. Me, I'm wary of them for some reason, but you have to weigh whether they a) help or hurt and b) relieve your worries about controlling your psychosis enough to keep taking them. You should probably do some more research online to be able to better weigh the pros and cons of them. Once again, so glad to hear that you are okay!

Posted by: Kate K. at May 27, 2008 08:50 PM

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