March 11, 2004

Forgotten Soldiers

It's like this world you have created. Grown with everything around you, everything in your mind, everything that you have heard, all those voices, all those songs, all those thoughts, and suddenly you are hit with the reality of schizophrenia. You know that all you thought, all you knew, all those truths only you knew, all those songs you listened to and have grown with, all those movies you have seen and acted upon the clues, have nothing to do in the reality. It's like this song by linkin park that i'm listening right now - Runaway -

"... I wanna run away, and never say goodbye, I wanna know the truth, instead of wondering why, I wanna know the answers, no more lies, I wanna shut the door and open up my mind..."

The disillusionment engulfs your emptiness, the loneliness, no more friends, no one more to talk to, no one whom you trusted, no one you can trust, 'cause the truth is no more the same, the reality is no more the same, it's like you are suddenly pulled out of the matrix, and you don't know where you are, no one has explained you what has happened. All you can do is try to get rid of those past voices that haunt you, all the don't want to hear any of those songs, don't want to watch any of the stuff on TV (they no more contain the truth), you don't want to do anything, for the whole purpose that you were fighting for has disappeared, it's as if soldiers find out that they will never be needed ever, they have nothing else they can do in life, no one will take them, no one who knows the horrors they have faced in the battle, and know one who will understand, no more war, no more fight, no more purpose, in life, all that you lived for is no more, and there is nothing more that you can live for, and yet to try to find a way, try to find the purpose, a renewed sense of confidence, a faltering hope that still goes on strong, the faith that no one can execute, cause you knew the truth, you will find it out again, no matter what it takes, you will smile again, you fight with that faith, ...

Posted by puzli at March 11, 2004 02:10 PM | TrackBack


hi puzli- thanks for your post. how are you? i just read a book called 'the day the voices stopped'. by ken steele. i wish he was still alive. in a way, he is. but i wish still that i could have spoken with him. he had schizophrenia and made a recovery. he took alot of meds then risperdol. i am wondering if this med still works. my brother took it once and it made him more depressed. i wonder if he took the right dose? after reading the book, i can see where he, ken, rarely took the correct dosage, until he took respirdol. then he did. my brothers- i wonder if they've ever done that. sometimes i get so down, i want to just waste away. but then, when things are good, like when you see the buds busting forth on a sprig of a honeysuckle, and the sun is just right, you thank God for all that's good. and i find i don't want to leave this earth, but want to live another hundred years. puzli- do you have a beach where you live? <8 blue

Posted by: bluebird at March 15, 2004 01:29 AM

read your post, puzli. it's really deep! war is so useless. especially these wars. what are they for? we don't need the land, we have our own and can't even keep it going. too bad those in 'control' don't have this perspective. we fight each day, with our demons.

today, i kicked back and took a walk. it's spring. and even though the soldiers are 'forgotten', they are known, each one, each ones' battle, to God... i hope. maybe it's not so bad to die, but not by one's own hand. peace.

Posted by: bluebird at March 15, 2004 01:38 AM

hi bluebird,
i'm taking risperidone and it is suiting me pretty well.
No, i dont have a beach near my place.
For me, these wars are to save the world from those who are trying to reduce us to what i call this "nothingness". its a state where you are alive and yet not living, where you are like the dead but yet not die. in that situation, it is better to die, even if its with ones own hand. that is what the fight is about, and that fight is what i'm trying to fight against.

love always
take care and keep on going for walks, it really boosts you up physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Posted by: puzli at March 15, 2004 07:34 AM

who are those who would have you dead? what is nothingness? i find i am 'those who would have me dead'. i am the enemy

Posted by: bluebird at March 15, 2004 01:44 PM

these people wouldn't want me dead but would reduce me to a mental, physical, emotional state where I am not able to do anything literally, and they will try and do this to the whole world. these are real people that i see walking on the road, my family, and by the way they act and react i can know who are the ones who are trying to do this to us and who are the ones who are not. Some of those who are on our side know this Truth, but can't do anything about it 'cause they are powerless to bring the change, and the rest are those who don't know it, and like the people in the matrix, as long as these people don't know it, they are our enemies because they are the part of the system that we are trying to destroy.


Posted by: puzli at March 16, 2004 10:26 AM

hi puzli.

today i heard two women talking, one who said about this man, 'he must be a real looney, long gone'. it was reported that this man, a sniper, had had a long history of mental illness. the other person said, 'well think about it, he only shot one, when he could have shot them all.' And i passed on by without making a comment. it seems they are all over- those who would throw away the key, and those who would bathe the wounds and bind. when i heard them, i was really mad. i was going to confront the one and tell her off. but then i thought about my mute brother and kept my tongue. i wanted to be small like him and feels how it feels to be ill and not able to lift a finger. so i offered it up. and it helped. maybe i 'wimped out'. but maybe not. wishing you peace too. bluebird

Posted by: bluebird at March 17, 2004 10:01 PM

hmm...good..sometimes its best to remain silent. people are not always ready to change. there needs to be a bomb dropped on them to realize the truth of the situation. peace. love. puzli

Posted by: puzli at March 18, 2004 02:14 PM

Could it be described in one word as a state of ennui.
There must be kind of a place that would be the most soothing to be in.
Some kind of an enviornment which is not troubling to the self and mind?
What could it be?

Posted by: monica at March 22, 2004 07:00 AM

the soothing place is the place where there is quietness. that is why sz retract back, slow down movements suddenly with too much noise if it is not percieved as a direct threat, in which case they start running away. that is the reason why sz dont like noisy environments, where there is too much stimuli, too much input. they cant concentrate. they would rather settle for watching birds in the park. its so much less stressful.

Posted by: puzli at March 22, 2004 08:52 AM

that is why my brother doesn't talk much, never chatters like other people do. It is really sobering sometimes to be around him. Although I do joke with him when the moment presents itself. and I get a smile, sort of a smile that surprises you with it's suppressed delight. Like he doesn't want to smile, but the joke was so dry and the irony so blatant that he can't help but admitting a 'wry try'. those moments are gold and we all make mention of them. we want him 'back' like he was when he was a kid. He was quiet then, but he was the funniest one. He was the one who came up with the jokes, the insightful commentary. He'd repeat them too, and then we'd all follow the lead..... you know? Like calling someone on his 'misdeeds' and teasing them with a name or something. just silly stuff. then he got serious and turned black. he wore only black clothes, for the most part and stayed in his room. He'd put his head down at school in the classroom and 'sleep.' But those were times almost five years past. In this same month. April. And it was in this time, the month of tornados, that he heard the radio speak to him and asked me why.

Posted by: bluebird at March 30, 2004 02:47 PM

not ennui. it was protection from myself- my anger. it was a silent looking upwards. i want to feel my brother's burden. i want to share his cross. i want to take his stripes. it is not 'languishing' or apathy. [looked up ennui, haha] it is concious mutism. like he experiences a million times when he's treated like a door or a freak.

Posted by: bluebird at March 30, 2004 03:18 PM

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