April 19, 2005


I am repeating my 2nd year in college. In the process, I've lost my friends to the next year. It is only now after a whole semester in this year that I've started interacting with people in my current class. Today I and my old friends got together for a party. There was also a guy from my current batch and he jokingly told me that if I drank, I would fall prey to some illness. Now, I hadn't told this guy about my illness, and I guessed that my friends had since his comment had that tone. But I took it in my stride and carried on to drink.

I've been in a complete tumultous state of mind this past week. I've been thinking about my conditioning, my past behaviour, based on past thoughts, my decisions based on my meaning of good and bad, my meaning of the glorious and the depraved. My level of acceptance of behaviour I thought belittling has changed over the years. I've seen that maybe this is the way my friends from school also behaved, but I was too ill to take notice as I had grandiose delusions about their existence.

The way that guy from my class passed that comment at me jokingly
today left me unmoved, but it has only added to my confusion...hmmm...After writing this though, I believe that I should
be open to laughing at jokes at me, but should stand up against people if they ridicule me and other with this illness...(still confused about a lot of other things...) lets see when the sky becomes clear...

Posted by puzli at April 19, 2005 04:47 PM