May 20, 2005

Sexual OCD

I also have OCD, apart from being schizoaffective, and sometimes it can be worse than schizophrenia. I recently read a post on the schizophrenia web board about this guy who had sexually compulsive thoughts due to his OCD. And I realized that that is why I was getting the same kind of sexual thoughts earlier. It was low voices and visions as thoughts that were coming up, but they kept on repeating themselves, and that was more of the OCD.

Those thoughts can be extremely disturbing. They come up as I walk on the roads, with girls passing by; they come up when I am at home, reading a magazine, or while on the net. These thoughts contain explicit, vibrant, vivacious images. They come when I am studying, and my mind wanders. And I try to control them, try to get rid of them, sometimes partially successful if I start thinking about other events, (but the thoughts occupy the back of my mind), and most of the times, these sexually explicit thoughts haunt me. I am not able to look directly at any girls around me. I cannot force these thoughts out of my mind; I cannot tell them to keep away from me; they come when they feel like, I cannot control them, I cannot fight them, the only thing I can do is accept them, be with them, not try to force them out of my mind, for that is impossible, we cannot force our thoughts to stop, we cannot psychologically control those neurons firing above our eyes, we cannot, just cannot…. Along with this symptom of OCD, I also get symptoms of schizophrenia like paranoid delusions. Also, another symptom of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that comes with it is that I start walking on specific tiles in my house. And I keep on walking…A pattern! A pattern! You have to make a pattern! That’s all that matters. “It is essential to keep moving”, Delta, (one of my grandiose paranoid delusions), and to keep moving on the right tiles. It’s like John Nash, trying to find a pattern in the movement of birds.

These thoughts coming due to OCD can be controlled with anti-depressants, they are the only medicines that work. And when my doc increased my anti-depressants, they went away. Increased libido is a symptom of schizophrenia, which could also happen with sexual thoughts in OCD. In extreme cases of OCD, there is social withdrawal as in schizophrenia, due to the person being caught up in mental or physical compulsions that they experience due to their obsessions. One of the reasons making the correct diagnoses between schizophrenia and OCD impossible is this merging of symptoms, as was in my case (though diagnosing both at the same time is a step ahead of impossible). It’s the mind that is at work here producing all these thoughts in various illnesses. And since the mind is a network, an interconnection of neurons, studying and classifying these illnesses becomes impossible by trying to study them in parts. Another reason to support the Gaia theory;)

Posted by puzli at May 20, 2005 02:03 PM


Again you amaze me with your knowledge and your willingness to share it.
Mental illness does not exist in a vacuum, nor is it exclusive to one syndrome. Many people suffer from several conditions simultaneously, which makes their diagnosis and treatment all the more complicated. Regardless of how many "labels" have been placed upon you, essentially they are each simply a different manifestation of a deficieny in one or more areas of the brain.
You have serious problems, yet you continue with your studies, write your blog as a catharsis for yourself and a tool for helping others to understand the complexity of mental illness,and go on with your life, hoping that each day will be a better one. You are a rare and quintessentially admirable young man, Pulzi. When your voices berate you, tell them my opinion of you and your opinion of yourself, and refuse to be defined or frightened by them. They are nothing compared to you.

Posted by: Paula Kirkpatrick at May 22, 2005 04:38 PM

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