June 14, 2005

Paranoid once more...and hopefully the last time

After a long time, I got paranoid yesterday. It was not due to the autobiography (since I didn't do any of it yesterday). Here's what happened....I had been thinking of asking this girl out for coffee over the past couple of days, and yesterday, I started having thoughts that I shouldn't tell anyone about this. It is to be kept secret. No one should know! I started feeling paranoid like I did about my crush in school whom I supposedly communicated with, without talking (believing that she understood my silent actions and reactions and that she communicated with me too). Even she was to be protected, as people were trying to harm her...

I believe it was due to continously listening to all those songs I used to listen to when I used to be completely paranoid, with a little push from the autobiography side too.

But now I'm doing well, after realizing yesterday's condition, and am certainly planning to start writing, though at whatever pace suits me with frequent breaks in which I will hopefully read Krishnamurti :)

Posted by puzli at June 14, 2005 01:44 PM


Dear Pulzi,
Your feelings of paranoia come and go, wax and wane according to(at least it appears this way to me)the level of stress you are experiencing at the time. I think you must realize that although you might wish that "this will be the last time", in all practicality your paranoia may change, rather like a chameleon which changes in order to protect itself, but I don't think it will simply abruptly end. Your paranoia is self protective as well, and you are also protective of others whom you feel may be harmed by what you believe to be "real and present dangers". It may take a bit of time for you to realize that circumstances that are very real to you, are not perceived in the same way by others or perhaps others do not perceive them at all. These sensations of danger are yours alone, and you alone must be able to resist the urge to give in to the fear. I realize this is far easier said than done,but if you can break the pattern at least once, you'll be astounded at the feeling of power this will give you. It will feed upon itself and enhance the courage that has always been there, but has been stifled by your illness. I picture you as a butterfly, bursting out of his cocoon to fly away, brave and free, leaving your cocoon, your illness, to decompose and vanish. You have that power. However, as in all things, it takes time and supreme effort to rid ourselves of old and destructive habits that have evolved into entities that we believe we need in order to be safe. I certainly blab on and on, don't I? These are just my opinions. They have no validity in scientific fact. I simply want to offer you my support in your journey which I believe will find you strong and healthy when you have reached your destination. I shall try to keep my comments more tightly in line in the future.
Fondly and Warmly,Paula

Posted by: Paula Kirkpatrick at June 14, 2005 10:27 PM

you are always welcome to 'blabber' on and on. take care. love. puzli

Posted by: puzli at June 15, 2005 02:59 AM

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