June 04, 2004

Hello again

To Amy-thanks so much for your thoughts and prayers! It brought a smile to my face to know that someone somewhere is reading my posts. :) I am so glad that abilify is working for your fiance. We have not tried it yet, so that is always a possibility.

I have not shared what goes on in my life with too many people. My sister is my only confidant. So the few friends that I do have do not know that my husband has sz. This has been going on for 20 years. I read that and cannot believe that I have kept that to myself for that long.
With this recent ugly bought of depression that I have been in, I went to see a therapist. In hindsight, it was almost funny. I told the therapist the whole, long tale of my life and marraige. I told her that I am overwhelmed, and frankly would just like to run as far away, as fast as I can....And truly that is/was how I was feeling.
Her reply was this..."What is your goal here?" I said HUH? What do you want from me and from therapy, she says....
"I want help making this awful, horrible hurt go away in my heart.""I want someone to listen to ME and show me where to find the strength to go on." I said.
Hmmmm, she said. I have never encountered this situation before. I think you would be better served with some sort of support group...."
So do they have a support group for spouses of mentally ill people? Well, no they don't. She said I could just join any woman's support group there and they would accept me. Of course they would, but do they have a clue about sz? I doubt it.
I think what really turned her off from me was that she knew I was well educated in the "illness" of sz. I have read everything I can get my hands on. I think she thought, well, if you know so much...what is the problem! ACCCK! At $145 an hour, I think I will talk to you guys instead. LOL!

I have started exercising each evening to try to help my own mental health and maybe drive this depression out of me. (along with prozac). It has helped with that run/flee feeling that I have been having. I know that I could not really go...I could not do that to my kids, but boy do I have some good fantansies about it. LOL.
My hb actually asked me what the problem was the other day. I told him that it seems the world is resting on my shoulders and I am damn tired of it. I think he is trying to understand and help me out some. I do appreciate that!

More later.

Posted by Jamie at June 4, 2004 10:51 PM | TrackBack



Hello, Jamie. I was trying various searches to see if I could find some advice for families/spouses of mentally ill patients, and came across your post. My husband of 29 years so far was diagnoised with bipolar in about 2000. He also has other physical health problems. He was saying/doing some odd things yesterday and this morning. I get upset when things "flare up" because it reminds me of some previous episodes with hallucinations, paranoia, etc. and I don't want to ever see it at that point again. when I read what the therapist told you, I felt... I don't know the words for it...indignant...aggravated but not surprised??? I've been frustrated with some of the health care we've sought. Also, you'd think the providers would be cognizant of the effect on families, wouldn't you? As for the running away part, I have before....(when I felt I was in danger) and I fantasize about it too. A quiet, nice little place to get away .....If I had a guess, it's probably not that unusual a thought.
I think that there must be support groups in larger cities, maybe in the paper? Wonder if the National Alliance for M I have referrals? I thought about your post about exercise...sounds like a good idea for me. I love my husband very much and he needs me, but ... thinking of you, Pat

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