Here I sit. I took the day off from work, because I feel like a big pile of you-know-what.
Last night I told M. that I am about done in. That I don't see much hope for the future...other than living the way we are now. And to me that isn't good enough. We were sitting on the front porch, me talking/crying, him listening(?). I walked out into the yard to compose myself before coming into the house with the kids. He got up and went inside. There was no hug, no pat on the back, no reassuring words...he went inside. When I went in about 10 minutes later, he was asleep on the couch....ahhhhh. That hurt. Whatever.
I was up most of the night. When he woke up from the couch he says..."Gee, I wish there was something I could do for you." whatever.
Boy I am a downer, huh? Sorry. I hope to get my act together one of these days. I have lived this way for 20 years and this is the first time I have ever become completely depressed. I hope it does not take 20 years to get over it.
Posted by Jamie at June 10, 2004 04:11 PM
sometimes all you can do is pray for strength...Hope the next week is easier for you.Know that others do care. One percent of the population is schizophenic and how many others suffer with them?
Posted by: Barb at June 11, 2004 02:25 PM
Barb, I so totally agree. Even if every person with sz. affects 10 people...the numbers would be staggering.
Thanks so much for your support. Jamie
Posted by: jamie at June 12, 2004 12:50 AM
A couple weeks ago I was talking with my spouse, she was sitting down and I was talking about something that was important to me. After talking for a bit, she looks up and says, "I'm only sitting here because I'm tired, not because I want to listen to you."
I've gotten used to a lot, but that still hit me like a brick. I know it's not her fault though... she's done better lately and talks very sweetly at times.
Hang in there, for me the hardest times are being in social occaisions. I feel so alone - well, at least we have a (kind of) community on here :-D.
With all the talk about Alzheimer's disease and how cruel it is, I can't help but feel we're going through similar stuff. Except we don't get the 70 good years out of a person, it affects them their whole life.
Posted by: Anon at June 12, 2004 05:04 AM
I just wrote a long reply and lost it in Preview mode *LOL*
I was very moved by your blog and what you have had to go through. I sometimes wonder who really suffers more from Sz, the "patient" or the family who can become ill though someone elses Sz?
My wife has *only* been seriously affected by Sz for 5 years. She is not aware she is ill but does take her meds (at the moment).
I will write in more detail about delusions and coping soon (I read your remarks and sympathize completely.
Basically she believes she is controlled by the Freemasons who, for example, park red and blue cars everywhere and everything has a special meaning. She refused to watch TV because of the red and blue - so I turned down the colour on the TV to black and white!! The meds (Risperdal) seem to eliminate this more or less. She gets messages from them in form of signs that force her to work fulltime, eat certain things, and go certain places.
She's going through a big relapse at the moment.
On a lighter note the other day she said she must be really important because a big cloud was following her above (she doesn't hallucinate) and she thought this was pretty impressive stuff for them to control the weather... She thought it funny though.
I have so much I want to talk about and share.
Up until now I have tried doing this with friends but I know they are losing patience (like us too) and I risk boring them to tears with the same stories that of course they can't truely understand. The rest of the family have become upset by her negative, abusive and agressive remarks so are ignoring her. So she feels even more isolated and alienated - and proves to her that people are out to get her...
So these sites and your blog are really important to have to keep us sufferers/carers sane.
Keep it up, there are thousands of us out there!!
Posted by: Peter at June 18, 2004 08:50 AM
Not having any physical contact or love really hurts me too.
I find it hard to accept the negative verbal abuse.
I see a psychotherapist who says I really have think more about myself if I want to help others, even though it's painful to mix with normal people sometimes (envy of their comparatively easy lives), it keeps you grounded. But when I go out alone, this creates jealousy, anger and sadness.
In my case, I try and bargain, like "OK I need to go out tonight alone but tomorrow we can go out together.
But sometimes even another only 1 hour in a public place it is too much for her. My wife is a real fighter and I feel somehow at some level (conscious or not) she is fighting Sz.
As usual, there are no rules.
Posted by: Peter at June 18, 2004 09:05 AM
Peter, thanks a bunch for your comments. If you don't already, I would invite you to come to the spouse web board on this site. On the main page just click on spouse/boyfriend girlfriend. There are many, many spouses there who feel the same way we do. The support is amazing.
I totally understand how you feel and it does stink!
Posted by: Jamie at June 18, 2004 11:47 AM
My name is Denise. Is this a site where anyone can share?
Please let me know. Thanks,
Posted by: Denise at June 24, 2004 12:29 PM
Yes, Denise, you feel free to share all you want. If you would like to meet other spouses of people with sz., you may go to the spouse web page on this site. It is a great place!
Posted by: Jamie at June 24, 2004 01:43 PM
My wife has had sz for roughly 8 years now. Due to her illness and her father's extreme dislike of me my wife and I have been seperated for the better part of 3 years. We still live in the same apartment complex and I try to help her and care for her as best I can from a distance. She has been in the past very paranoid of me and her voices hated me - her words. She would become angry at the smallest thing I did and either call 911 or her father and tell them I am beating her, trying to steal her money or her car. I finally had to move out into my own place for my own safety and peace of mind. There is not much peace of mind knowing that my wife is living alone and for the most part being cared for by her father. He believes anything she tells him. It was at least 6 years into her illness before he recognized that "maybe" she had a problem. I have had her comitted involuntarily to various psych hospitals around the town we live in 7 times or more in the past 7 years. I've began to loose count of her hospitalizations. I have not done well coping with all of this with her, or with her father's unwelcome intervention. She is currently taking Seroquel and an antidepressant for her sz and Topomax, Tegretol, Dilantin, Neurontin and Klonopin for her temporal lobe epilepsy, as well as several other medications for a heart condition - all this at the tender age of 46. Her mother was diagnosed as being Bipolar many years ago but is stable on her meds. Her father on the other hand has never been diagnosed but has attempted or threatened suicide on several occassions and has issues he has never dealt with. Both parents were severe alcoholics while raising their children. I have made it past the the guilt of having "abandoned" her but still feel there could be more that I could have done to help her. Her last hospitalization was 6/2/04, when she was put on the new antidepressant and Seroquel. At this time she seems much improved but I still have my doubts. She has lied to me so often over the past 8 years about her illness that oftentimes I do not know what is true and what is not from her. Patient Privacy Act and the new HIPPA regulations have placed roadblocks in my way in trying to help her. Doctor's don't speak to me, Social Workers do not speak to me, Counselor's don't speak to me, and all under the guise of "Patient Privacy". What is left of our marriage is falling apart. I no longer know what to do or who to turn to. Modern day psychiatry and medicine has failed her. If I leave and file for a divorce she will fall apart and be lost forever. If I do not leave and file for divorce I will become another victim of her illness. What we have now is not a marriage but more she is the one who is ill and I am just a caretaker.
Sorry for the rant.............
Posted by: Thomas at July 1, 2004 04:08 AM
My wife has just been 'sectioned ' by our local health authority last week, we my 2 sons and myself have lived with her dual personalty for some 20 years and finaly managed to get the doctors to believe in our crys for help over the years.She has been a 'border line' case for so long that no doctor would comment about her personal details due to the data protections act. This in effect was a wall to me, and only once my eldest son become 19, did a caring doctor break the rules and tell us both she was a candidate for a suffering with SZ.She now is awaiting further sectioning to start treatment and yes she blames me for this.
A crule twist to this story is my intials are SZ as well...
Posted by: sam at August 7, 2006 10:31 PM
I have taken the time to update the situation since my last post.
Well an awful lot of things have happend but to cut to the point my wife is now recieving the help she needed She is now home, and very well indeed and is on medication , Olanzapine tablets only taken before bed time. The tablets make her tired and also increase her hunger so it is a side effect the extra weight gain.
We all have noted a calming in her ways and she is now not so volitile towards me and my sons.
Her adjustment to the drug in the past couple of weeks is fantastic, she is now doing most normal activites but can't drive our car until she gets clearance from the licencing people and her doctor.
So far we seem to be on the path to her well being.
I will add more post's in the future .
I hope this post is helpful to any other people with partners to have this disability
Posted by: Sam at October 10, 2006 08:25 PM
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