January 12, 2007
Lots of stuff going on
Lots of stuff going on at our house recently. Mostly all good things, but they still make my hubby nervous. Any change of pace or anything new thrown into his schedule..makes him flustered.
Today he was going on and on about the fact that he thinks that the mechanic “screwed” him over when he fixed our truck this week. He kept asking my son what he thought, and my son said.. no dad…I think he did the right thing. Maybe you should just call and ask him to explain what he did to the truck? (Damn.. I was proud of that kid!) Hubby listened and called the mechanic and they got it all ironed out. It must be awful to think that someone is out to get you ALL the time.
Next on his list of worries is this new apt/townhouse thing we are moving into. He just worries about everything about it. He has called every utility company that we have to deal with to get prices, deposit info, etc… and hey.. I am not saying that is ALL bad.. but he is obsessive about it. Then he calculates, figures, obsesses over all the figures and then wonders if we will be able to afford it or not. I sat down with him and we wrote it all out and it looks like we will be paying slightly less in the new place than we are here… soooo I am hoping that that helped ease his mind some.
November 20, 2006
Today is our wedding anniversary. In 1983, we were married in a lovely ceremony with family and friends.
So many, many things have happened during that time.
I remember the wild, passionate love we felt for each other back then. I sure it was still here.
But, it's not and that is something to just deal with.
I have recently talked to my husband about me getting my own apartment in our small town and sharing the kids back and forth.
He, of course, was very, very angry and I do not think he actually believes that I will go through with it.
I don't necessarily want a divorce...just some space. Just some space to feel like my own person... someone not weighed down by mental illness 24/7.
A place where my friends could come over, where the kids friends could come over. Just a place.
YEs, I realize that this sounds very selfish of me....but I can't do anything about that.
I have no idea where this will all go...we just take it one day at a time I guess.
Hoping everyone is surviving the early holiday season...take care and I will write again soon.
October 30, 2006
I took a picture of you.
You purposely looked away…looked down.
As I was cropping that picture…I looked at you. Really looked.
I have been trying NOT to look at you recently.
You look older. Hell, so do I. We are older.
You need a haircut. A beard trim.
You hate to go to the barber. So much paranoia there with having to talk to him and possibly other people waiting.
Digging under the bathroom sink I find the clippers.
Get the chair all set up. You sit down.
As I am cutting I think back to years ago when I would cut your hair. When I would get around to the front.. you would grab me and kiss me, or tease me or touch me….I would laugh and say.. Quit that!…even though you knew I loved it.
We would laugh and talk as I cut… toddlers running around us.
Now as I get around to the front you close your eyes. Are you remembering too? or trying to forget?
October 09, 2006
Finally I am going to update this blog.
Well, well, well... it is me! Can you believe it? Finally I am going to update this blog.
Last night I sat down and read back a ways at the things I had posted two years ago.
My heart was heavy when I realized that really I am living just about the same now as I was then....same stuff, different year.
Where should I start? to update you?
Well, M. is still M. He suffers paranoia daily. He works part time 4 hours a night. The job causes him much stress and more paranoia but it also provides us with some money that we need. I think it is good for him to work, as it gives him something to do each day and somewhere that he is expected to be each night.
We basically do not have more than a friendship based relationship. There is no intimacy, aside from the normal hug and peck.
I have expressed to him recently how hard this is for me and that I would like to live a more normal life. Yes, it was very hard for me to say that to him, but something I had to get out.
The things that I miss so much are just things that he is not able to provide. and probably never will be able to. The illness just prevents any kind of social interaction outside our immediate family, so that means no couple's friends. We rarely ever do anything outside the house.
I have made friends of my own and go out on occasion, however the guilt is hard to deal with. I am trying very hard not to worry about it, but it is always there.
Our children are doing well. One is in college and 2 are left in high school. They are the definite bright spot of my life:)
I need to go for now.. but hopefully i can come back later and write more.
August 13, 2006
I am sorry that I have not kept this blog updated like I intended to do.
Things here are much the same. Not that that is a good thing, it just is.
M. is still functioning, and working 4 hours a day.
I see where he is failing on a daily basis.
One of those things is his ability to drive and do so safely.
Not sure how I am going to break it to him that he really shouldn't be driving anymore. It is coming though.
We live as roommates raising our children basically. We have about 3 more years til they are all graduated and out on their own.
I am not sure what will happen then, as I really can't see myself in this same situation 10 years from now.
I crave a "normal" life with a man that wants me, needs me, treats me kindly, has a physical relationship with me, loves me.
That is not going to happen here in this relationship.
It is so sad, really.
IT makes me feel very selfish, but as I get older, I just cannot watch life pass me by like this.
I really have no idea what will happen. I am just going with the flow for now.
February 12, 2006
Here I am!
Hi everyone. I am still here, just have not posted in a while.
Things here have been going fairly smoothly, as smoothly as they get I guess.
The most recent problem M. has had is an obsession with the finances and bills. I have nearly strangled myself over his compulsion to pay bills and recalculate the check book. We are finally catching up a bit on some bills, but we are far from 'doing well' moneywise. He talks about it with each waking hour and of course, when I mention that...he gets angry. So....I just listen and nod and ignore. Ignoring is sometimes my greatest quality.
I am doing well otherwise. I love my new job and so enjoy getting out into the "real, normal" world. I am making friends and finding out that men are not as bad as I thought, LOL.
The kids are doing great in school and are just a joy to be around. They make coming home each day from work more enjoyable. I can always count on them doing or saying something to put a smile on my face. They make this crazy household more normal for me.
M and I are, well, still more like siblings than spouses. It doesn't seem to bother him much, but it does bother me. There isn't much I can do about it, though.
Not sure if anyone can access my email somewhere on here, but if anyone needs/wants to email me please feel free to do so. I am always willing to help with these issues as best I can. It might only be a shoulder to cry on, but I do know that that can help sometimes. email me at email@example.com
Much love and hugs to all. Keep your head up! Jamie
December 21, 2005
To all my Readers
Hello and Happy Holidays.
I love receiving all the comments! I never quite know how to respond though. I always wonder if it is safe to email you back personally, as I don't know if it is a personal email or a family email.
So please know that I am not ignoring you, I am just at a loss as to how to communicate.
I would strongly suggest that anyone who has a spouse or partner with sz., to come to the Husband/Wife board here at sz.com.
We are a wonderfully, loving, caring bunch of people and welcome new comers. Nothing you will say will suprise us, because frankly, we have heard it before.:) We support each other to no end and really, I have made so many friends there from all over the world. So anyway...come on by the spouse board.
Things here are stressed. But livable.
I am busy with my new job and keeping track of the kids and their schedules. M. has been doing the laundry and that is a big help to our family.
Christmas is more than lean this year. It is so stressful. I will be relieved when the pressure of the holidays are off.
We will spend time with M.'s family over the weekend. That is usually fun and I know the kids will enjoy themselves. I hope that M. does ok. I am sure he will be fine while we are there, it is after we come home that I worry about. Usually it takes him some time to recover from all the socializing and he has to think through every single conversation....argh!
must go for now, but will try to get back here soon. Jamie
December 05, 2005
With the pressure of Thanksgiving off and christmas still a couple of weeks away, M. is a little easier to live with. Not much, but some.
I am desperately trying to change my attitude and thought patterns to be more able to handle his problems when they arise.
I have been reading a lot of stuff by Dr. Wayne Dyer. His information makes a lot of sense to me.
One thing he says is "You cannot get sick enough to heal one person".
He is right, I have been there/tired that. I have allowed M.s illness to make me sick. To bring me down to the point that I suffered from depression, had suicidal thoughts, to near nervous breakdown.
Did it help? NOPE! Not one little bit. It did nothing more than make matters worse. Did he get any better? if anything he got worse.
So I need to stay strong, mentally well, for myself and my children. I cannot let this happen again.
One other thing he says is "I cannot control what happens on the outside, but I can control what happens on the inside."
Wayyyy true, Huh? Control my own reactions.
Hope all are well out there and coping reasonably well. Hugs, Jamie
November 24, 2005
Some thoughts on Thanksgiving
Some days with a mentally ill spouse are just more than I can take. Today I am taking time to think of things I am thankful for, that my husband, dispite his disease, has given me.
Three beautiful young adults are at the top, middle and bottom of that list.
My kids are my life.
When I was a little girl the only thing I dreamed of was being a mom. They have made me so proud and I couldn't ask for better kids. All three are different, all are so kind, compassionate, loving, funny and just a joy to be around.
I was never happier than when barefoot and pregnant. No feeling in the world is better than having a baby lay their tiny head on your shoulder. Rocking a small child to sleep and watching their eyelids get so heavy, their little angel lips in a smile. I was born to be a mother.
Now that they are all young adults, I still enjoy them, watching them discover this world and all the possibilities that it has.
I can be really down, really stressed, ready to stop trying and feeling hopeless. Then one of them will pop their head around the corner and when I see their face...my smile reappears.
I am thinking that in God's master plan he sent them to me as a gift to help me through life. To help me see the sunshine when the clouds of a schizophrenic husband get in the way.
Thanks for listening to my babbling :) Jamie
November 12, 2005
Hi everyone. Things here are ok at the moment.
Oldest boy is off to college and loving it. 2nd son and daughter are doing so well in High school. I am so proud of all of them.
I am also going to school and will be done on November 29. If all goes well I will start my new job in Dec.
It sure makes a difference to get out and be with "normal" people. I am so enjoying my friends at cosmetology school. We spend most of the day laughing and joking with each other. I had forgotten how fun people are!
M. is...himself. Sometimes up sometimes down. Most of the time just in general an ass to me. His word games drive me up the wall and I try very hard not to get him going. When he does start twisting my words or someone elses, I just tell him...that is some kind of word game and I am not interested in playing. Usually he stops and sulks. What amazes me is that he thinks he can talk to me anyway he wants, any tone, anything. And I am suppose to accept it. If I have a tone to my voice, then all hell breaks loose and I am the biggest B**** he has ever heard.
You know, it is funny (?) to me that I still care for him. I do care for him, but am not in love with him anymore. That hurts to say, but it is true. We are more of a brother and sister than anything else. I think he cares for me, but really, I don't think he has emotions enough to really love me anymore. Sadder yet? Nov. 19 is our 22nd wedding anniversary. Seems so long ago that we loved each other sooooo much and couldn't get enough of each other.
Think about getting out on a daily basis. Just can't/won't do it. Too many people at stake. I, also, am at stake. I am living a celibate life. I am lonely beyond belief. I try to compensate for that loneliness with other things, but it is still there tugging at my heart. I keep telling myself someday that will change, I just hope that I am still young enough to enjoy it!
Ah, the holidays are coming up. Major stressful time for M. But you know what, he will either handle it or not. I AM GOING TO ENJOY MYSELF.
We are still waiting on our first snow, but it looks like that will be soon. I love winter!
take care everyone, Jamie
August 23, 2005
Hi. Things here are really pretty rocky at the moment. M. is really paranoid because he cannot find a part time job. He is freaking out about money. I agree that it is a major thing to be thinking about, BUT I feel he must calm down some about it. Just seems when I try to calm him down, he gets really angry with me. So...I just try to keep quiet about it.
I am desperately struggling to find a decent job. I send out several resumes every day. Please cross your fingers for me.
I recently read the book "Daughter of the Queen of Sheba" a memoir by Jacki Lyden. Very interesting book about the author's mother who was bi-polar and their struggle to help her. It was not easy reading, but I did make it through.
I have been going to a NAMI family support group for the last month or so. It is really nice to meet others in my situation. We have so much in common and anything anyone says everyone else can nod and say "Yep" heard that one before. Sure makes me feel not so alone.
August 08, 2005
Today I feel
better! Not on the top of the world or anything, but not so crappy as yesterday.
I have a list of things I want to do today, so that helps me stay on task.
I think I get like this when I am overwhelmed with conflict, stress, etc...I wish I could handle it better and not get myself feeling so bad. Something to work on.
Wow, Peter Jennings died. That lung cancer is nasty stuff. I REALLY need to quit smoking! My sister and I are thinking of doing it together. Smokers are just a minority now, I think. The cost is really going up, I REALLY need to quit! M. quit in April and has stayed smoke free since then. I am very proud of him!
Well, I will go for now and hope everyone has a good day. Jamie
August 07, 2005
I am feeling
Sure you think that I am a "normal" person married to a man with sz. Well, sometimes I am just as ill as him , I think. Just in another way.
I am way down on myself. Feeling very unloveable, unlikeable, undesireable, uneverythingable. Is that a word? it should be.
Not looking for pity, here. really. just wanted to type all this out and maybe feel better.
Clawing back to the surface, Jamie
August 02, 2005
Well, my job at the fast food place is over. I just couldn't do it anymore! I feel like a loser, not being able to handle the people. You know, I put up with a lot of crap at home and I just am not going to do it at work, too. People just need to live and let live. I keep telling myself that these people are young and stupid, nothing has ever really jumped up and bit them in the butt, yet. So that will happen to them eventually and I am a firm believer of what goes around, comes around. Enough about that.
M. did not like it that I quit. He didn't say much but it was pretty obvious. I have some other opportunities that are coming up, so I am hopeful.
Our oldest son had houseguests last week. 5 of his friends came to our new place and stayed from W.-Sunday. It was a lot of fun to have them here, hanging out and laughing. They all are about 18 or so. M. did fairly well while they were here, he did do a lot of hiding in the bedroom though. He said he sure was glad when they left! LOL.
I went to my first ever support group last week. It was a NAMI family support group. I really enjoyed it. Just to meet some people in real life who live this same kind of life is amazing. Sure makes me not feel so alone!
Well, I will go for now and write more later.
July 22, 2005
I have been off my blog for a while during our move and job searching and here I have all these replies/ comments and didn't even know it! I am so sorry that I have not responded sooner!
I am glad to know that my rambling is helping some spouses out there.
If any spouses would like to email me please do. I check my email quite often during the day so I should be able to respond semi-quickly.
We have moved. Quite the ordeal, but it is done and over with. I also think our former house is finally going to sell so that will be a huge financial burden off our shoulders.
I am currently working fast food. Good grief, I hate it. 40 years old and slinging burgers and making messes out of icecream cones. But it does provide me with somewhat of a meager income to buy some groceries with. It is definitely not a long term situation by any means. I am looking for something constantly. I am also going to take on part time work selling scrapbooking supplies.
M. is not working. The ssdi sure helps, but of course it isn't enough. I don't know if he will ever work again. He has gone out and applied for part time work, but so far, nothing. He says he feels so much better since we moved. Says it is probably because he is living basically stress free as far as work goes. He does do the house work, laundry, supervising of our 3 teens, etc...so that is really helpful to me.
The most stressful thing right now is the finances. Probably going to make a trip to the pawn shop tomorrow to see what I can pawn for grocery money. We have also gone to the food pantry and what a blessing that is. I have promised myself that as soon as I have any extra money, I am going to go there and take food or money. I don't think we have ever been this broke before. One lucky thing is our landlord provides internet included in our rent, so I can still be online! I still have hope and a dream of finding a job that I love. It will happen, just have to be patient.
Still deal with M.'s lack of personal hygiene. I have kinda just tried to ignore it. Be kind and patient. He says he just doesn't have the energy to do anything about it. That must be a horrible feeling.
I am still on anti-depressants and frankly, I am afraid to go off them! LOL.
Our children are the bright spots in our lives. They are such troopers living with little money. What they wouldn't give to go out to McDonalds or any other fast food place! Me too! :O)
We are lucky that after a month of searching we found M a new dr in our new area. She is very kind and is getting him free meds! That is a blessing. They also have a sliding fee scale so whatever medicare doesn't pay for, we can afford. Amen.
I guess I would just say for now, we are ok. Things are not great, but they could be worse. I am still so lonely sometimes I think that my heart is shriveling up. Well will talk about that another time. Much love and sending strength to all the other spouses out there. Jamie
May 19, 2005
Our oldest son graduates this weekend from high school. I am so proud of this young man.
Please pray along with me that he(or his siblings)will not inherit this horrible disease that their father suffers from.
It should be a very stressful weekend for my hb. But, I am going to do my best to keep him up. I am so excited to see family and friends that we haven't seen for a while.
We are getting ready to move in June...so that is keeping us busy, too.
Will write more when I can.
May 01, 2005
Yesterday we had a garage sale.
I was lucky enough to come across a couple who appeared to be in their early sixties. Both were very friendly and talked to me like they had known me for years.
I watched them interact while they were looking through the garage sale items. They spoke to each other with love, friendship, respect. They were "easy" with each other...does that make sense? They wanted to be together and felt "easy" in their skin and relationship. The comraderie (sp?) between the two was so special.
Granted, I know nothing of these people, what goes on behind closed doors, what their life together has been like. But I like to think that they have most always have treated each other this way and have had a happy life together.
I almost think that they were sent to my garage sale for a purpose. For me to see that it is possible to love and be loved. To be treated with respect. To answer when someone says something. To feel so easy in one's own skin to be free to enjoy life.
He never said "Pull your head out of your ass" or "You are the stupidest bitch!" She never winced when he spoke or stood chewing her fingernails worrying that she would say something to offend him and set him off. He was not glancing around to see who was "watching" him, "following him". She never smiled that stupid "pardon us" smile when people were wondering what he was mumbling about.
They paid for their items and went on their way. I can't stop thinking about them. I can't get it out of my head.
It is so sad that it will never be that way at our house. Sad is the only way to describe it.
March 11, 2005
Hi everyone. Sorry I haven't been around for a while. Life has been busy and I seem to not have enough time to do everything.
We are still plugging along. Our move is still planned for June and we are still trying to sell our house. I am still optimistic and have even packed a few things.
M. is doing ok. He stopped smoking. I have not. I am not quite as ready as he was. And I have to be ready or it won't work.
I have been ill recently with kidney stones and M. has done fairly well helping me and taking me to and fro the dr. I know it is a challange for him to do these things, but he also rises to the occasion. This makes me feel rather funny, as I have to ask for his help....when I wish he would just offer it. But, that isn't going to happen.
I have devoted all my free time to art. It really is a healing process for me.
I will try to be more talkative in this blog. Sorry to have been so quiet.
January 24, 2005
I AM still here, regardless of what it may seem. I just have not wanted to post or felt like I had anything readable to post.
Things are humming along the same as usual. M is doing pretty good, I guess. He seems to be a little more loving and kind to me...not sure why that has changed, but I am not complaining.
We are still planning on moving in June. We have a lot to do before then , though. Our son will be graduating and we are coming up on the busy time of year for the kids in school.
M is back from the store, so I will try to post more later.
December 30, 2004
Hello and so sorry for taking so long to write. We are all still here and plodding along.
The holidays have been sort of stressful for hb. He had "an episode" on Christmas day when our guests arrived. He just got super paranoid and thought no one said hello to him.
This led him to major trembling of the hands and mouth and he said he couldn't speak with his mouth moving so much. He also could not eat lunch, because he could not keep his food on the fork.
I hate this. Why does he have to suffer so?
I have been working on a lot of art lately. Something I enjoy and keeps me going. I made most all of our Christmas gifts, so that was nice.
I think that our children had a good Christmas. They like their gifts. Sure have enjoyed having them home for the last week or so. I have also been off work this week, so that is nice!
Hope you all enjoy the New Year holiday! I think we will spend a quiet evening at home.