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For many years I was so tied up with my husband's illness, that I forgot to take care of myself, too. We had 3 children in 5 years. Seriously, there are several years there that I have blocked out of my memory. LOL. Taking care of the kids and M was quite a challenge. We both worked to earn money, but financial strain also was a problem. It was a tough, tough time.
I saw a therapist once who told me that I NEEDED to take some time for myself-do something that I enjoyed. I could not come up with one single thing that I wanted to do for me. I was so wrapped up in others that I had no wants, desires, needs. She made some suggestions- go sit in the library and look at magazines. Go to a coffee shop and just sit. Have my hair done. Plant a flower garden.
I really thought she was way off base, I was fine-what did I need to do these things for? But, I took her suggestions and started to put me first. IT worked. I felt a lot better and I had a lot more to give to others when I took time for me. When you give, give, give all the time and never take for yourself...you become numb, distant and resentful. Remember to take time for yourself, don't get in the spot I was in!
I still get myself into this situation, but I can recognize now when I need some time for myself.
When your spouse has a mental illness it is hard to deal with. Add to that the pressures of daily life and it does seem overwhelming sometimes. It can be done, though. Take a deep breath and press forward!
You know that little game where you take a daisy and say He loves me, he loves me not? Well, that is what my life is like.
The emotional ups and downs can really drive you up the wall. Today has been one of those days where anything and everything I say is either wrong, stupid or trying to make him mad....When I ask what is wrong? I hear this "It is you, you are the one who is getting mad at the drop of a hat, you are the one trying to make me mad". What ever.
Not true, but I get tired of trying to prove my innocence.
Boy you would think that after 20 years, I would be able to ignore this kinda crap.
Things are humming along nicely. I think spring does that to people. We get sunshine and fresh air. M. is doing well. I am so happy for that!
Next month his siblings and families will be visiting us...hope all goes well. I am preparing to watch for signs of problems coming as I know this usually brings on stress. I am not worrying about tomorrow, though....way to much to be happy about today!
Our darling daughter (12) has a project to do for her english class. She was told to pick a topic of interest to her, something she wanted to learn more about. She picked Schizophrenia....I asked her why and she said..."Well, I want to know all I can about it." This led to a wonderful discussion between the two of us about sz. I am so happy that we could talk about it in a comfortable setting. I am also happy that I know about sz. and can answer most of her questions. I got out my books and let her borrow them.
That's about all for now. Hope you are all doing well and enjoying the season.
Seems sometimes that I have to push, push, push M. to do anything. I know that this is part of the illness, but dang I get tired of it. Sometimes I feel like a nagger, but if I don't push nothing gets done.
M. sometimes throws a curve ball out at me that I don't see coming. I will think that things are humming along and then he will say something like, "For the last 2 weeks, you have not been very nice to me." And it is just like getting slapped. So what have I done.? Usually he can't come up with anything or if he does I have no idea what he is talking about. I know it is in his head, But, it still makes me feel like crap. I gave up long ago trying to fix him, fix our life. Live with it. That's what I have to do.
It's not fair, but nothing is....
My hb's sister was just diagnosed with m.s. He also has another sister who had a tumor between her ear and brain and yet another sister who has sz. Maybe none of these things are related, but it sure seems strange that this family of siblings as they get older have so many diseases. It makes me wonder what could be in their genetic makeup, what they were exposed to as children, etc...that could be causing these things.
Things here are going relatively well. We are busy getting ready to paint our house, uggh.
Our oldest son will graduate from high school next year. It is so hard for me to think about. I know that I must let him go, but gosh I sure would like to wrap him in tissue and keep him a while longer....LOL. I worry that the stress of moving away and going to college may bring on the symptoms of sz. I know that this worry is useless, because more than likely he will not get it. But you know us moms (and dads) still worry about anything and everything. I know that it will leave a big hole in our home when he is gone. Our other 2 children will still be at home for several more years, so I won't have an empty nest for a while. Thank goodness! It will be interesting to see how M. and I get along when the kids are all gone. It sure will be quiet!
m. has always had ear problems, even as a child. Lot's of infections, etc...He has a lot of scar tissue and some hearing loss. He has had a bad cold and it seems his ears are really plugged up. He cannot hear much of anything and this is driving the rest of us nuts, too! I don't think it is good for the paranoia either when he can't hear, because then he has no idea what people are really talking about and he assumes it is all about him....