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Not much new here, but a bunch of delusions.
M. is going to work a temp. part time job of 7 hrs aday in addition to the pt job he already has of 4 hours a night. He can barely function with the 4 hour job how in the world he thinks he can work 11 hours a day is beyond me....He needs an hour break during the 4 hour job because he is "wore out". I hate to be a pessimist an say it isn't going to work, but then again I am the one who will suffer the consequences of the added stress and fatigue. I don't even really want the extra money...because it just won't be worth it.
I am tired of this life. I need a vacation on my own...maybe for about 5 years or so...LOL.
I will try to write more later.
Edited to add...Now ten hours later he has changed his mind. He decided not to take the job. I am so relieved. The best part is he made this choice on his own...so this time it CAN"T be my fault!
We both are feeling a bit better. Saturday night, we had a long, serious discussion about our marraige. How things have really changed in the last 20 years. I am sure that is pretty normal for things to change. However, we talked about how really there is not much left, as far as feelings go. That hurts tremendously, but at least the truth is out there and I feel like I had a load lifted off me.
He feels that I am too controlling, but I have to be. To save myself, I have to make some of the decisions. I told him that in order for me to stay in this relationship, some things are going to have to be FOR me, BY me. That is the only way it will work. I cannot stay stuck in this rut feeling unwanted, unloved, a caretaker.
It will take a long time to undue the damage of the last 20 years. But I think we are well on our way.
Well, yesterday I did something dumb. I forgot that I am to walk on eggshells and must be always on alert and never say anything that isn't kind, supportive and wonderful. (sarcasm:)
Here is how the stupid conversation went:
Me: There is one piece of ham left, do you want it to make a sandwich?
M: One whole piece, huh?
Me: Yes, it is enough to make a sandwich...do you want it or not?
M: Yes, your highness, I want it. IF it is ok with you...
How stupid is that? Well, that wonderful little conversation ruined the whole day yesterday. And I am sure he is still pissed about it today...but he is still sleeping.
What really pisses me off about the whole "be careful what you say thing" is that he can say whatever he wants, in whatever tone and I am just suppose to take it. Never any apology, just take it and deal with it. Because that is just the way he is.
Later after that one conversation he was sitting on the front porch smoking. I went out and sat down, too. He looks up at me and says "What? Did ya come out here to bitch some more?" I just got up and went back inside.
Oh yeah, I remember now...I have a choice to be here or not. Ha.
M. started back to working evenings, so now his sleep schedule is screwed up again. He was up half the night last night, saying he can't sleep. Well, fine and dandy....I still have to get up at 430 am....so go to bed already!
"I feel like were drowning in a sea spilled from a cup"-Train
Things here are going pretty well. I am feeling much better. Don't know if it has to do with the prozac or therapy or both...but whatever it is I am forever grateful!
M. and I went out for dinner on Friday night. We went without kids and to a place that does NOT have a drive through! LOL! It was a nice time. I could not tell you how long ago it had been since we went out to dinner by ourselves.
I am actually starting to have feelings again. Ok, I know that sounds really strange. While I was so depressed, I had no feelings toward anyone else. I built up these protective walls around myself and didn't let anyone in. Safer that way, I guess. Now I feel that I am peeking over the top of the wall and it gets easier every day.
I am getting very excited about the move we will make next June. It will be so nice to have a new start! There are sooo many things I will do differently. When I make friends I will not keep my husband's mental illness a secret. I will live honestly with the disease and if people don't like it, well, that is their loss. I just cannot live a lie anymore. I also want to get involved in some support groups. I have never done that before other than online. It will be a relief to be able to experience in real life the feelings that other people have that have a spouse with sz. or mental illness. It will also be nice to be around/closer to M.'s family. I have 9 months to get packed! I plan on going through everything and getting rid of stuff that we don't want and need. That will be a lot of stuff, probably! LOL.
It is so nice to be able to see the future again. To get excited about it, and make plans.
The sun is coming up here and that makes me smile.
Wow, summer is flying by...thank goodness. One month closer to the crisp fall days :O)
Since Thursday, I have felt really well. I just hope it stays that way! I think therapy is doing a lot to help me.
M. is so moody. I know he loves me and doesn't want to be alone either, however, I don't think he likes me very much. I told him on Saturday that I need to figure out the way to live with him and not let his moodiness, hatefulness, and smart mouth get me down.... He didn't like that very much. IT is true, though.
Last night we were discussing something and he called me "Einstien". Meaning that I think I am so smart.....sigh. I said nothing, other than to myself. That may not seem like a mean thing to most people, but it was hurtful and a put down to me. I think I handled it ok....of course, my first instinct was to lash back, but I didn't.
I have also given away a lot of my household responsibilities to M. and the kids. If it doesn't get done, so be it. I am tired of doing it all myself. So far, they have been pretty helpful.
Better go for now.
P.S. Thanks Louie for your prayer! I wish the best for you, too and hope you are well and surviving the roller coaster ride we call life.