November 29, 2004

Song lyrics

Miracle Drug by U2

I want to trip inside your head
Spend the day there...
To hear the things you haven't said
And see what you might see

I want to hear you when you call
Do you feel anything at all?
I want to see your thoughts take shape
And walk right out

Freedom has a scent
Like the top of a new born baby's head

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've seen enough I'm not giving up
On a miracle drug

Of science and the human heart
There is no limit
There is no failure here sweetheart
Just when you quit...

I am you and you are mine
Love makes nonsense of space
And time...will disappear
Love and logic keep us clear
Reason is on our side, love...

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've had enough of romantic love
I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up
For a miracle, a miracle drug, a miracle drug

God I need your help tonight

Beneath the noise
Below the din
I hear your voice
It's whispering
In science and in medicine
"I was a stranger
You took me in"

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've had enough of romantic love
I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up
For a miracle, miracle drug

Miracle, miracle drug

Posted by Jamie at 06:50 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

A story

When I close my eyes, I see my self for the past 20 years. I am a big strong black blob in my mind. Out of the big blob I take a child (ME) and place her gently down on the floor. "Go over there" I say to the child. "I am busy being the superwifemomcaretakerwageearner". "I don't have time to worry about you."
This goes on for years and years and years, never paying any mind to that small version of me. Once in a while that small version of me starts to reach out, ask for something, cry. "Be quiet!" the blob says, "You are fine! What's your problem? Wait your turn."

Slowly after all the years, the big blob is shrinking. Not nearly as strong as she used to be. The big blob is slowly getting smaller and smaller. The blob looks over at the girl and says "I am so sorry I neglected you." and then the blob is gone.

The small version of me starts to walk around and look at all that is around. My legs are wobbly and my tiny voice is squeeky. I start to come alive and want and need what most people do. Support, companionship, love, laughter....
I am too needy.

And no one to give me these things but myself. Some day I will be able to stand up and shout "ROAR""HERE I AM!" but today I am still the little girl standing in the corner waiting her turn.

Posted by Jamie at 06:48 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

November 19, 2004

21 Years ago today...

we were married. Sure seems like it isn't that long, but then again, maybe it does...:)

I was a naive 18 yr old, just out of highschool, working as a waitress. I was so head over heels in love and so was M. There is just nothing better than that new relationship feeling. You walk on clouds. The thrill when they walk in the room, etc...

It is too bad that it doesn't last forever, the feeling I mean. Maybe for some lucky souls it does.

I heard on a tv program the other day that when someone has been married a long time, and are asked why they love that person, they just say they do. And that is how I am with M. I couldn't really pick out any "reasons" to list off. I just love him.

To me, Friday night is the best time of the week. Work is over for the week and I try not to think of it until Monday morning! My first thought is to I don't get too much sleep during the week. Of course there are several other things that need to be done before I can sleep for a while:O)

Well, that is all for now. I will try to post more this weekend.

Posted by Jamie at 11:09 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

November 13, 2004


Well, Here I am. Still makin' it! Sorry it has taken me so long to get another entry in here.

Things are going fairly well here. I have been really busy. M is doing alright, however, rather moody and defensive...but what else is new? LOL.

Tonight we are having a cast party at our house for our oldest son who is in a play this weekend. I think it should be a blast! M. is worried about what he should do, where he should be while the guests are here. I hope all goes well. It should be a lot of fun, I enjoy doing stuff like this especially for one of the kids. We so rarely ever have really gives me something to look forward to!

I have been feeling really creative lately and have been working on some art projects that I enjoy. I really would love to evolve art into some sort of career/income in the future. I am hoping that after we move, an opportunity will present itself.

I have not been to counseling in a couple of weeks...feel that I am doing much better. I do still have my moments/days that are not so good, but I feel I can pull myself out of it. I am going to see therapist in 2 weeks, to just check in and get some feedback. It is scary to think about not going to therapy anymore. That sounds silly huh? Well, you come to count on the therapist to help you and when the time comes to go along on your IS scary! This summer has been such a soul searching one for me. I think I came out better in the end, even though it was the hardest thing I have ever done. Just making it through the depression in itself was a huge challange. I feel now I am well on my way to a bright future. One where I am in charge of my own destiny...I am not going to spend the rest of my life hiding behind my hb's illness.

Relationship wise I think things are running fairly smoothly. I do have to keep control of my patience and remember that he is doing the best he can. On the 19th of Nov. we will be married 21 years! That is a long, damn time...doesn't seem that long. Not sure if we will go out to celebrate or not.

I am excited about the holidays. M. always has a little trouble during this stressful time of year, but usually can cope fairly well. I will keep my fingers crossed!

Well, I will go and try to be more timely in my posts. Jamie

"I know you don't see me as a movie star,
and it can't help much that I don't have no car,
But your my favorite thing by far!
Thats gotta count for something."

Posted by Jamie at 10:09 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack