November 24, 2005

Some thoughts on Thanksgiving

Some days with a mentally ill spouse are just more than I can take. Today I am taking time to think of things I am thankful for, that my husband, dispite his disease, has given me.
Three beautiful young adults are at the top, middle and bottom of that list.

My kids are my life.
When I was a little girl the only thing I dreamed of was being a mom. They have made me so proud and I couldn't ask for better kids. All three are different, all are so kind, compassionate, loving, funny and just a joy to be around.

I was never happier than when barefoot and pregnant. No feeling in the world is better than having a baby lay their tiny head on your shoulder. Rocking a small child to sleep and watching their eyelids get so heavy, their little angel lips in a smile. I was born to be a mother.

Now that they are all young adults, I still enjoy them, watching them discover this world and all the possibilities that it has.

I can be really down, really stressed, ready to stop trying and feeling hopeless. Then one of them will pop their head around the corner and when I see their smile reappears.

I am thinking that in God's master plan he sent them to me as a gift to help me through life. To help me see the sunshine when the clouds of a schizophrenic husband get in the way.

Thanks for listening to my babbling :) Jamie

Posted by Jamie at 10:53 PM | Comments (3)

November 12, 2005

Hello again

Hi everyone. Things here are ok at the moment.
Oldest boy is off to college and loving it. 2nd son and daughter are doing so well in High school. I am so proud of all of them.
I am also going to school and will be done on November 29. If all goes well I will start my new job in Dec.

It sure makes a difference to get out and be with "normal" people. I am so enjoying my friends at cosmetology school. We spend most of the day laughing and joking with each other. I had forgotten how fun people are!

M. is...himself. Sometimes up sometimes down. Most of the time just in general an ass to me. His word games drive me up the wall and I try very hard not to get him going. When he does start twisting my words or someone elses, I just tell him...that is some kind of word game and I am not interested in playing. Usually he stops and sulks. What amazes me is that he thinks he can talk to me anyway he wants, any tone, anything. And I am suppose to accept it. If I have a tone to my voice, then all hell breaks loose and I am the biggest B**** he has ever heard.

You know, it is funny (?) to me that I still care for him. I do care for him, but am not in love with him anymore. That hurts to say, but it is true. We are more of a brother and sister than anything else. I think he cares for me, but really, I don't think he has emotions enough to really love me anymore. Sadder yet? Nov. 19 is our 22nd wedding anniversary. Seems so long ago that we loved each other sooooo much and couldn't get enough of each other.

Think about getting out on a daily basis. Just can't/won't do it. Too many people at stake. I, also, am at stake. I am living a celibate life. I am lonely beyond belief. I try to compensate for that loneliness with other things, but it is still there tugging at my heart. I keep telling myself someday that will change, I just hope that I am still young enough to enjoy it!

Ah, the holidays are coming up. Major stressful time for M. But you know what, he will either handle it or not. I AM GOING TO ENJOY MYSELF.

We are still waiting on our first snow, but it looks like that will be soon. I love winter!

take care everyone, Jamie

Posted by Jamie at 09:19 PM | Comments (3)